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-   -   Newbie needing advice ASAP.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21830)

Megziebaby216 02-26-2012 10:55 PM

Newbie needing advice ASAP....
 
Hello all, this is a great website! I am in a polyamorous triad ( MFF ). I am a bisexual female. My husband and I have been married for 6 years now and have had great times together and 3 children. he has always been suportive of my sexuality. We attempted a triad with a good friend of mine about 2 years ago. we were in a bad place. and my trust was broken when my request that they use protection went ignored. Long story short, a lot of trust building and repairing happened. he had gotten her pregnant and she misscarried. We decided to try again in october with a different woman. she tried to take him behind my back and we stood strong :) . Met our current girlfriend in december and i love her so much. everything is great. the family dynamic works great, sexual and romantic chemistry is great. she moved in and we reccently purchased another vehicle large enough to transport our large family. We also picked out a ring to show her how special she is and that shes more than just a mere plaything. I am madly in love within my triad. we have come out to close family and friends. We all have alone time together and triad dates as well ( which i must admit is funny to watch peoples reactions). I am nervous though. My husband has discussed his desire to have a child with her. ( which I am okay with, in time.) We are newly joined so this makes me nervous. My girlfriend has not mentioned this to me. when asked she says not in the near future. But her conversations with my hubby says different. Its all they seem to talk about it. They know i am clearly nervous ( I have an anxiety disorder) and everytime i think about it i get sick. Im not jealous of them at all, i honestly dont know my reasoning behind feeling this way other than its being so soon after beginning dating. i dont like them talking about getting pregnant behind my back, saying that they should schedual their dates around her ovulation schedual, and that they should have unprotected sex while i am sleeping. how do i approach this? I want open communication. my gf knows i think its too soon but i havent gone into details with her. husband knows how i feel, and gets angry. he calls me controlling and says i shouldnt have a say where it doesnt involve me.......whats a girl to do? i need them both in my life. where this is the only problem we have approached so far where we arent on the same front......I mean.....sacrifice my happiness so the ones i love wont be upset and resent me? Man, this is hard! ----Thank you ahead of time for reading and listening <3

drtalon 02-27-2012 12:00 AM

It sounds to me like they're hiding things from you because you don't all agree on certain things. I think all three of you need to sit down and talk it out together. You might also look at how the group arrives at decisions, if the current process isn't working.

Megziebaby216 02-27-2012 01:24 AM

Thank you for your input

polypenguin 02-27-2012 02:17 AM

COMMUNICATE!!!!! Tell them both seprately and together how you feel. Let them know why you are upset. For that matter, you need to sit down and think about WHY You are upset. Without knowing what is making you upset, you are going to go no where.

ThatGirlInGray 02-27-2012 03:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Megziebaby216 (Post 126670)
i honestly dont know my reasoning behind feeling this way other than its being so soon after beginning dating. i dont like them talking about getting pregnant behind my back, saying that they should schedual their dates around her ovulation schedual, and that they should have unprotected sex while i am sleeping. how do i approach this? I want open communication. my gf knows i think its too soon but i havent gone into details with her. husband knows how i feel, and gets angry. he calls me controlling and says i shouldnt have a say where it doesnt involve me

So, two years ago your trust was seriously broken involving unprotected sex and a pregnancy. And now you don't know where your anxiety is coming from in regards to unprotected sex and the possibility of pregnancy?? Give yourself a break! Your husband, imo, has no right to get angry with you, especially given his role in the first situation. And it ABSOLUTELY involves you if the father of your children has a child with another woman, ESPECIALLY a woman you are ALSO in a relationship with! If nothing else it involves you legally and financially, and probably emotionally. It only doesn't involve you physically, and at this point that's the minor part (9 months pregnant vs 18 years legally responsible for a child, and this is coming from someone who's gone though a couple pregnancies!).

Does gf know about the previous situation? If not, I would highly recommend letting her know about the history so she has some context for your current feelings. If you're just not ready for it, and it has nothing to do with her personally or her relationship with either one of you, she deserves to know that. And it might also help her to realize how beneficial it would be for her to be supportive of your side and stop enabling your husband in what seems to be an attempt to either wear you down until you agree or make it happen without your knowledge or consent.

AnnabelMore 02-27-2012 03:17 AM

Wait, you guys just met this woman in December and you're already doing the ring, move-in, kids talk stuff?? That is REALLY fast for such major life decisions! I don't feel like I can even be sure if I'm going to be great friends in the long-term with someone in three months, much less if I want to share my life and co-parent with them. What the heck? How did things get so serious so fast?

It's not ok for your husband to say that decisions about him having another kid don't involve you. That's just ridiculous. Few things could impact you more than your life partner having a child!! Does he really not understand that?

nycindie 02-27-2012 04:02 AM

This is a tough place to be in. One's husband fathering a child with a girlfriend is always a possibility in poly tangles involving people of child-bearing age. While it isn't anyone's place to tell any woman what she can do with her body, it is only logical that it's a subject which should be discussed among all three of you and not among just two of you in secret. Ultimately, trying to get pregnant and having the baby is her choice, and you can't really forbid her not to, but you all need to discuss how it will affect the three of you as a family and household, legally and financially, and what each of you are ready for.

I take it you are all co-primaries? There are poly families who work these types of things out, with several children in the poly tangle sharing some parents and not others. It can be a very happy arrangement, especially if they view themselves not as a couple plus one, but a truly equal triad with the goal of living and raising children communally. You need to keep examining your fears and anxiety about this, get down to the nitty gritty of it, and keep talking, talking, talking.

The confusing thing to me is that she has contradicted herself by saying she wants to wait and yet -- they keep planning their dates around her fertility????

So, how well do you really know her, and her family and friends? I agree with Annabel about how incredibly fast you all are moving! Moving a gf in before you've spent a year together really seems very hasty and somewhat reckless.

redpepper 02-27-2012 05:29 AM

I have a ton of red flags here that make me anxious about the stability of this situation.
  1. moving her in after you just met
  2. the secrecy and planning behind your back
  3. having a baby with someone you just met
  4. past trust issues that can be easily triggered
  5. having an anxiety disorder
  6. buying rings and committing after a couple of monthes

I suggest slowing down, I wouldn't of moved her in this fast and laying some boundaries out there that MAKE SENSE. Geesh, this thing will implode the way you are going as far as I can see. I haven't known one single triad that has worked the way you are all going about this and I have been here a good long time and poly for longer... have you done any researching here to see what others have gone through? Try a tag search for threads such as "triads" "triad" "cohabitation" "pace" "pacing" ?Hope you find something that gives you some ideas to go on.

trescool 02-27-2012 05:48 AM

why the rush?
 
Ok, first off, my thoughts are kinda like "Why ruin a good thing by going too fast?" You guys all love each other and are serious about having a triad based on equality, I get that. Obviously, with rings and a new vehicle, this is following a somewhat "family" dynamic, and what's more "family" then babies... except, when one partner isn't ready.

Let's think about this from a couple dynamic to help take out the poly element. If a man and a woman were together and the woman wanted a baby but the man didn't yet, would it be okay for her to secretly schedule their sex around her ovulation time? If he said he wanted babies, just not yet, why wouldn't she trust him? Thinking about it like that might help you to figure out some of the questions you'd like to ask her/them.

So many questions here jump out at me...
1. Is there a specific reason why she feels the baby has to be now? ie maybe there's some underlying worry that she's getting too old to have a baby? Or is it insecurity that she feels she needs the validation that she "really is an equal"?

2. The child would be just as much YOUR child as her child... so of course you should have a say. I think sitting down with HER and talking about "when do WE want to have a child" ie as the woman that you're in love with and want to be with for the rest of your life, when do you see making a baby with her makes sense to you both? Making that decision just like you would with a lesbian partner who needs the consent of the sperm donor is another way of looking at it. AFter all, you love her, and are committed to her. So having some real, honest, deep conversation about "this isn't about me stopping you, this is about me exploring what we want in my romantic relationship WITH YOU" is important.

Best of luck!

Phy 02-27-2012 06:11 AM

Hello there,

I would like to ask as many others have: Why are you moving so fast? You are in the earliest phase of your relationship(s) and are not only talking about children but already in practical realization of them? I mean, it is always good to discuss all topics that are out there and plan when they may become relevant for you, my men and I are doing that as well, even though we are not a year in the mix already, but I would feel just like you, this is way too fast to actually start trying to get pregnant after only three months time.

My husband and I planned to have our first child next year. Fortunately my boyfriend is on the same page (wants children in our relationship) and adjusting to the thought of having non-biological children around and wants to have a biological one in some years as well. But this took longer to discuss and talk about purely theoretically than the time you three have been together up to now. And I think it is safe to say that we are already moving fast there. Of course, relationships shouldn't be compared, but I recommend slowing down instantly and start the talking, with all three of you involved.

Even if you feel uncomfortable pressing the topic that is an urgent one for you, stand up for what you think and wish for and get them at a table to talk about what everyone has in mind when thinking about the future of your relationship. If you don't tell them that you have got the feeling that some important parts of their communication and planning involves you as well and that they seem to not see that and exclude you from the decision making process, you won't stop worrying and feeling treated unfair. As others have said, your husband has no right in this situation to get angry with you. This sounds like serious NRE and maybe he needs you to show him how unreasonable he is acting right now.

As I already mentioned, I myself am not in the best situation to talk about going slow, we moved my boyfriend in as soon as possible, we talk about the possibility of children after being together for roughly seven months and so on. But what we never did up to now is making decisions without involving all three of us. Each development in one relationship effects all others that are around this one and therefore all persons involved need to be on the same page. You need to get that clear and work on that, as couples and as a triad.

Good luck.


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