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-   -   new to poly (surprise! ha!) and wondering how to negotiate (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21730)

ultradeluxe 02-23-2012 02:33 AM

new to poly (surprise! ha!) and wondering how to negotiate
 
Forgive the lengthiness of this, there seems to be a lot in my head right now...

When I met my bf, things were perfect for the first 3 months. Communication was incredible, in fact, I'd never felt so close to someone. He admitted that he hadn't been able to be as honest with someone else in a long time, and I felt the same. I felt very appreciated on every level. He has a serious health issue, something I took upon myself to learn more about so I could understand what he was dealing with on a day-to-day basis, and I believe it brought us closer.

He started detaching after those 3 months, canceling plans at the last minute, ignoring texts and phone calls, and I asked him point blank - is there someone else? He said no, but he didn't sign up for a relationship (neither had I...we sort of fell into it) but that he loves me, and wanted to continue. I found out shortly after that he *had* met someone - and the evidence was all over his camera. I was SO angry - not that there had been another girl in his apartment, but that he'd lied about it. We fought. Furiously. He told me he felt like shit over it because this girl and I are polar opposites: according to him, I'm everything that's good in his life, that I'm nothing but love and light - and she, and these are his words, is a "hot mess" that inspires a darker, self-destructive side of him that he needs to address. He's told me in no uncertain terms that yes, he's going to fuck her. And basically there's nothing that I can do about it, it doesn't matter what I say. He did tell this girl that he and I are together (but didn't mention he loves me) and essentially, she didn't care and still wanted to have sex with him as well. This all happened 2 weeks ago, and while I'm not a violent person by any stretch, I'd like to shove her in front of a bus. That's terrible, I know - it's not her fault, it's his for lying to me, but still....she represents a big fat lie to me, one that I'm not entirely sure I'm able to overcome. I find myself obsessing over whether or not he's ignoring me to talk to her, if all the pet names he's given me are being used on her, if she's been in his apartment (pretty sure she has), if she's used my toothbrush, my bath products...I actually checked the level of body wash in the bottle I keep in his shower!! And all the while, he's telling me to relax, that he's sorry he hurt me, he wants to make it work, he was an asshole for hurting me. I'm also questioning the timeline he claims for meeting her initially, and even how. The list goes on and I keep thinking to myself WTF have I gotten myself into? When is the next bomb going to drop??


We've been talking over the last 2 weeks and have come to an agreement that we'll keep an open relationship, but it's me he loves primarily. He wants me to be happy (so do I) and we both know that we cannot give each other everything we need. I asked him to table sex with this other girl (to be honest, I'd rather he not do it at all ONLY because of the lie associated with it) until we're on more solid footing and have worked out an agreement - and he agreed to that as well.

As an aside, I have never lied to him - about even the tiniest of things. I believe that the only way to navigate any relationship is to have complete and full disclosure and honesty; without that, how do I trust him?

He's not holding up his end of the deal. He promised me that he wouldn't have sex with the other girl until we're more solid; he promised that he would tell her how he feels about me; he promised that he would be open with me about everything. And he's not. I've tried to broach the subjects with as much love and compassion as possible, but I'm becoming frustrated that he's ignoring my request for some sort of boundaries. One of the things I'd like to ask for are weekends; he told me that in all likelihood, if he saw her, it would be mid-week. And this evening, he told me he's seeing her on Saturday night, and I'm stuck with a few hours on Sunday and an overnight that makes us both rush around on Monday morning in order to get to work on time. This brings out the weird jealousy of fear in me, and I feel like he's just not getting it. We haven't had a Saturday night date in over a month, because he was seeing the other girl on the sly. I asked him this evening if he loves her and his response was "Maybe - I'm not sure". But then backtracked and claimed he only wanted her pussy (sorry), not her soul... does this even make sense??

He's never been with another woman who accepted and supported this type of relationship, so to his credit, he may not even know how to navigate it. I'd never consider it with someone else, only because I felt that the bond between us is strong enough to handle it. But now I'm not so sure...how do I get over the feeling of a) jealousy over a girl who is the embodiment of a lie and b) that he's not being considerate of how I feel? And how do I encourage him to create some sort of rules (man, I can't stand that word, but we need them right now)?

Your advice is welcome, but please be gentle...I'm new and a little raw already.

LadyNiah8504 02-23-2012 02:46 AM

As a fellow newb, I welcome you. You've come to the right place to get answers and advice. ^.^

ultradeluxe 02-23-2012 03:16 AM

thanks, Lady! (funny I say that every day to the girls I work with) :)

LadyNiah8504 02-23-2012 03:26 AM

You're welcome.

dia 02-23-2012 07:27 AM

hmm
 
If your guy isn't willing to communicate openly, be honest with you and put work into your relationship, I don't think it's going to work. It really sounds like he's going to do whatever he's going to do, despite what you might feel. So if I were you I'd decide if I'm really okay with that. I wouldn't be.

dia 02-23-2012 07:34 AM

maybe
 
I might have been a bit harsh in my last post. I guess it's hard to know how to start navigating these boundaries and situations when we live in a monogamous culture... Anyway, probably the best way to encourage him to be honest is to make him really believe you're okay with him seeing this woman (then he won't be afraid to tell you what goes on). But it sounds like you're not really okay with it, which seems to be a problem, since he's shown that he'll continue to see her anyway.

ultradeluxe 02-23-2012 09:53 AM

I'm really not okay with it (his seeing this girl) - not at this stage of things. He's failing to see that we need time to get on more solid ground.

Am I being selfish about it?

redpepper 02-23-2012 03:44 PM

Its not selfish to have an opinion. There isn't much more you can do than to keep expressing your concern for your connection to him and keep him up dated about that. Hopefully he is paying attention.

ultradeluxe 02-23-2012 04:29 PM

"hopefully" is the operative word, RP. I think he's consumed with the NRE he's found in this other girl and is completely distracted from dealing with our own issues.

It's a vast and deep hurt and if I'm being honest, I don't know how much more I'm willing to take.

SourGirl 02-23-2012 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ultradeluxe (Post 126268)
"hopefully" is the operative word, RP. I think he's consumed with the NRE he's found in this other girl and is completely distracted from dealing with our own issues.

It's a vast and deep hurt and if I'm being honest, I don't know how much more I'm willing to take.

You have 3 months invested in him, not three years. In three months, who knows if he was also looking elsewhere, and how long he has actually been interested in her. In 3 months, he found it easy to brush you aside, for his new interest.

Usually the NRE in the first 6 months to a year is pretty heavy. I am also concerned that he has you in this role of 'good and light'. I find poly people with the attitude of ; 'This one fits this part of me, and this one fits this other side of me...' ...kinda scary. It treats people as human lego.

While people make mistakes when they are unsure of how to engage in poly, and people also can hide and lie if they have been made to feel ashamed of their manners,...there are some red flags that tell me this isn`t so much the case with your guy. I am seeing someone who appears very selfish.

For instance : It`s abnormal for someone who is 'scared' of losing people, to be insistent that they are going to fuck who they want anyhow. If anything, guilt usually consumes them, and they over-compensate with compromising their desires.

You sound like a person who fell in love with a nice man, but not the right man. He sounds like he is your 'hot mess'. I would trust your gut instinct if I were you.

My blunt advice is : DTMFA.
My kind advice is : For you to talk to her. If he wont let you, take your cue, and then DTMFA.

Good luck to you.


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