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-   -   Really confused right now (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21684)

LadyNiah8504 02-21-2012 07:55 AM

Really confused right now
As I previously stated in the blogs section, I am having trouble with this. To further explain everything I guess I have to start from the beginning. My husband and I known each other for 12 years, we have been in a relationship for 6 years, and married for 5. When we were about 2 years into our marriage, my husband admitted that he was in love with another woman. He asked if we could start a relationship with her, and I said I had to think about it. After a great deal of time over thinking and considering all of the possibilities, I had to decline. I couldn't handle the situation at all, partly was because I was 6-7 months pregnant with our 2 child.

The topic wasn't brought up again until it was about 2 years later. He and I had discussed having an open marriage, and I was willing to try it. We did set up rules and what not. The rules being there could be only couples allowed (so no one felt forgotten or left out), anything would be possible when both parties were present, but if 1/2 of the couple were there ( the first couple being A and B, the second couple being C and D), for instance if B was with C, then absolutely no penetration was allowed, only oral sex, cuddling/fondling, and kissing could be done. (Sorry if this confuses anyone)

We then discussed the idea with a couple who were friends of ours. We tried something once, not actual penetration but just orally, I was ok. I did freak out because of the fact of what we did about a week and 1/2 later. But I thought about it some more and felt that we could continue. We then discussed the idea with another couple, Jim and Liz.

During the whole process I was too timid to do anything without drinking, to calm my nerves.

But after liquid courage was given, I was good to go. We tried quite a bit that night, and I thought it was really hot. Until we fell asleep. Granted this was about 5 orgasms later for me. But I woke up to the sound of my husband and Liz having sex, and I freaked out. I guess I figured that they wouldn't do anything while their spouses were asleep. I was wrong.

After that I was insanely jealous. I had trouble having sex with anyone, including my husband, and I would freak out mentally and physically. Everything came to a head when I realized that my husband was in love with Liz. How I realized this was one day we were hanging out, I saw that my husband was looking at Liz the same way he used to look at me. I knew that look, hell I loved being the recipient of that look. I called him on it, and at the time he denied it. He hadn't realized that he loved her yet.

During this whole ordeal my husband and I were having trouble, financially, etc. When he finally admitted to falling in love with her, that was the final straw for my psyche. I guess I should explain a little bit here, I have severe depression and anxiety. I became a little suicidal actually. After all was said and done, my husband wanted a divorce. Because he just couldn't deal with me anymore. As well as saying that he was no longer in love with me. I was heartbroken. He was too. But I ended up making his life hell because I put all of the blame on him. I knew it was wrong, but I wanted him to hurt like I did.

From then we emotionally seperated, but still lived together. We had 2 small children and not enough money to do anything else.

2 months later, he admitted that he was still in love with me. But he insisted that we divorce, so that he wouldn't be restrained because of how he felt. At first I agreed to it. I was so desperate to be with him that I would have done just about anything to do so. Several weeks later, I realized that after the divorce was finalized and everything, what if he decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore? The thought of that possibility was worse then death for me.

So I told him that I could no longer live under those circumstances. He said he understood.

About 4 months later, I needed sex. So I decided that I would have no emotional attachment to anyone. I did insist upon being tested for both parties, myself included. And I found that it was easy, to have just sex with guys. But inside I felt so empty.

I continued that way for about 3 months, and then when I was having sex with this one guy, I fell for him. He gave me affection, and that did me in. My husband and I were finally getting along better, while still living with one another. However, I dreaded the day when he wouldn't be there anymore.

1 month later, my husband said he wanted to get back together. I was ecstatic about that, but I was still in a relationship with my then boyfriend. I discussed the idea of being with both of them, my husband was ok (being that he understood where I was coming from) but my boyfriend wasn't.

So I was forced to choose between them. I ended up choosing my husband, because I asked myself the question "who was the person that I couldn't live without?".

My husband and I have been working on our relationship since May of 2011. We did agree that after a period of time we would again open our marriage after 2011 was over.

Since this new year has started, my husband has been bringing up the topic more and more. Then he told me that one of his co-workers was interested in having sex with him. That idea put me over the edge literally. I ended up trying to kill myself. 3 weeks ago I was in the hospital for treatment. Last week, which was the first week for me being discharged from the hospital, he brought the topic up again. I told him that this would have to be put on hold, because of new medications and needing group therapy, etc. But he is still bringing it up. I know how important it is for him and myself. Right now, just the though of him being alone with anyone makes me sick to my stomach and extremely jealous.

Sorry for this turning into a novel, but I had to explain everything to the best of my ability. I need advice here. Please.

ablexi 02-21-2012 09:49 AM

I'm fucking new to this myself and I posted previously asking for advice that hellped tremendously, even though I have been...well absorbed in contemplation too much so. I intend to return to my thread and open up discussion concerning my own foreay into poly, but first this is the first thread I've read returning and I wanted to see if I could perhaps help as well, from the perspective of someone who is also working to dull the double edged emotion of jealousy.

First, I'm going to give this website from a poly person whose perspective on jealousy along with the words of many from this site, helped me grapple with what it means:


On jealousy: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ming-jealousy/

On poly: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...relationships/

As he explains and others here have, jealousy is a subset of fear. Fear loss. Fear of being unloved. Fear protects us, but fear(a component of jealousy) has a tendency to trump our ability to think, we see green as in the red of anger; anger, jealousy, fear are all very ego-centric emotions that make us look at our selves as the most important thing there is as it drives us with the impulses of those emotions to seek the most expedient means towards removing the outside cause or making the outside cause bend to our will.

If you read those three articles, anything I can say will be said far better than I can recount them.

Given that, your emotions are only yours, nobody elses. Nobody can make you angry, jealousy, or scared except for yourself by letting yourself feel that way. Nobody can make you happy before you make yourself happy. Nobody can take the knowledge that your loved away from you, especially if you love yourself first as few are willing to love someone who doesn't own their own love.

I hope you read those and maybe hit the search bar on the left side of the webpage and type in jealousy and read all the stuff he mentions. He's very insightful and his idea's aid in looking at the world with a new perspective, at least long enough to get a grasp on what your feeling by looking in from the outside.

mush 02-21-2012 10:07 AM

from what you posted it doesn't sound like you are ready to open up your marriage, and your husband seems to be pushing for it even though he knows you can't handle it.

*hugs* and you shouldn't go along with it just to not lose him. Be true to yourself sweetie.

LadyNiah8504 02-21-2012 10:24 AM

Really confused right now
Thank you for your advice. I guess I am a little weird about this still. I am fine if we both participate with someone, just not when he or I do things alone. And I am in no way shape or form trying to make this a double standard or being a hypocrite. Just really confused

mush 02-21-2012 10:57 AM

If this is something you want to do, for you, and not just cause it's what your husband needs/wants then I think you first have to work on your self-esteem and mental problems. You've just attempted suicide, this doesn't seem to be a a good time to be exploring new relationship dynamics.

edited to add: and your husband should realize this and not (still) be pushing.

LadyNiah8504 02-21-2012 11:05 AM

Thank you again for your advice. I need an outsider's opinion with this topic. My husband does completely understand why I am so hesitant to try anything, considering how it ended up last time. I really do appreciate any opinions or advice given, since this is an area where there are strong emotional ties involved.

bella123456 02-21-2012 11:13 AM

In my humble opinion, it would seem wise to focus on your mental health issues. Attempting suicide is a frightful arena. Please seek some help on that and I'd be really happy to hear that you have done so.

nycindie 02-21-2012 11:27 AM

I am sorry you've had such a rough time and felt so low. I have seen life as bleak and felt very low myself at times. But you have to do what you can to pull yourself out of those feelings. This is no time to be focusing on taking lovers, nor on pleasing your husband, I don't think. You need to get hold of yourself, and build a stable, personal foundation of self-esteem, and develop compassion and loving kindness toward yourself.

No amount of attachment to anyone else in your life, no matter how much you love them, is reason to take your own life. You have worth and value simply by being you. Your value is not dependent upon your husband's behavior, and you need to see that.

You would do well to work with professionals, take your meds, and stick with the therapy to recover from your depression and work on these issues with a goal of finding, recognizing, and cultivating your own inner strength, which I do know you have. Forget about polyamory for now and focus on being well within yourself.

LadyNiah8504 02-21-2012 12:11 PM

Thank you again, really. I do apologize now if I make it seem like my husband is the bad guy. He really isn't. He has seen and dealt with all of my crazy and still wants to be with me no matter what. I'm still afraid of the concept that he doesn't come back. I know it's an irrational fear, but it's still there. Along with everything else. I don't want him to hate me for preventing something that he needs. He is my best friend and knows exactly who I am. Sorry for rambling on.

redpepper 02-21-2012 04:11 PM

Your story is not unlike many. Thanks for your honest account of your history. You seem very attuned to your process and journey.

It seems your husband needs to read this thread and see where you are coming from. Maybe if you relay your story as you have told it to us his mind will open up to WHY you aren't ready.

It seems to me that there is a possibility that no work has been done, since you got back together, on what needs changing in your relationship. Have you had any relationship therapy since you've decided to try again?

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