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-   -   Feeling overconfident? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21673)

GoddessKiss 02-20-2012 09:39 PM

Feeling overconfident?
 
My husband and I were in a monogamous relationship since 2006. I recently found myself very attracted and falling in love with another man. At first there was a lot of drama and my husband and I split up for awhile. After realizing that you can in fact love more then one person, all three of us read everything we could get our hands on. None of us has ever been in an open or poly relationship before so we do not have any sort of guide. We have tried to wrap our minds around jealously and how to directly deal with it.

So far, a month later we all are growing everyday. Both of my partners have been amazing, they both talk to me openly about things that bother them. They respect the time I spend with the other and make sure that we are always present to get the most out of it. They are so intelligent, kind and want to love me. This past weekend we invited my boyfriend over and after I went to bed my husband and boyfriend ended up talking to each other until 3am! They are slowly becoming friends. This is AMAZING. I KNOW that there will be hard times but I can already see the benefits of poly is going to enhance my life and I know that I totally lucked out with these two amazing men. I am very much open to advice as I do not want to mess this up!! If you have any advice it will be very much welcomed.

km34 02-20-2012 11:12 PM

It sounds like you three have gotten over the first bump in the road and are on a good path! The fact that the two men are becoming friends is great. As long as the communication keeps up, it sounds awesome!

My only question was regarding this sentence:

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoddessKiss (Post 125930)
They respect the time I spend with the other and make sure that we are always present to get the most out of it.

I don't really understand what you mean when you say that you "are always present." Do you mean you only spend time together when the THREE of you can or that you are just careful about setting aside specific times that you spend with each person? Or something entirely different?

GoddessKiss 02-20-2012 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by km34 (Post 125940)
It sounds like you three have gotten over the first bump in the road and are on a good path! The fact that the two men are becoming friends is great. As long as the communication keeps up, it sounds awesome!

My only question was regarding this sentence:



I don't really understand what you mean when you say that you "are always present." Do you mean you only spend time together when the THREE of you can or that you are just careful about setting aside specific times that you spend with each person? Or something entirely different?

Ahh yes, that wasn't clear. I mean that I am learning to be present in life. To make each moment count. Not to tune out on my phone ect. I have alone time with each of them and just about once a week we have dinner, all three of us together.

km34 02-20-2012 11:37 PM

I thought you probably meant something of that sort, but I hate assuming. I've seen it cause some nasty little spats in forums. :)

JaneQSmythe 02-21-2012 02:03 AM

Congratulations!
 
GoddessKiss - congratulations!

My hubs and bf were friends for a few years before I was introduced to Dude. My attraction to Dude (and his for me) caused a period of major drama but led us to were we are today (mistakes and all).

Hearing Dude and MrS laughing and talking after I go to bed is one of the most comforting things to me in respect to the ability of the three of us to "go forward" in our configuration.

I feel I am the "luckiest girl in the world" when I have two boys that care for me and are so considerate of each other.

Advice? a.) Issues will come up between A&B, B&C, A&C, A&B&C - let each relationship (intimate or otherwise) address their own issues. Don't let the 3rd person always be the "go between." I was mad at Dude so I turned to MrS for comfort - MrS offers love and support and then tells me to talk to Dude about "X." He doesn't need to get mad at Dude himself in order to validate my feelings. (Obviously if Dude had broken a major trust between the three of us that would be different - I am talking about routine arguments.) b.) Relationships move at their own pace and resolutions to problems may be relationship-specific - what worked for me and MrS may not work for me and Dude because MrS and Dude are different people with different perspectives. c.) As the hinge in this relationship you may feel it is your responsibility to keep everyone happy all of the time - you can't. People will sometimes be unhappy - let them. (Comfort them, care for them, and let them work through their pain - remember that they love you.)

My advise may not be worth anything (being only 9-10 months into our personal configuration) - so take it with a grain of salt.

(Disclaimer: The three of us live together so we have roommate issues as well as partner issues and friend issues.)


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