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-   -   I am so confused, I'd be happy if someone had an input of any kind.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21637)

insanity 02-19-2012 07:28 PM

I am so confused, I'd be happy if someone had an input of any kind..
I have a boyfriend of five and a half years and we are to be marries soon.
Pretty much since the beginning of our relationships we had...sex buddies? women mostly (one transsexual and one man for him lately one once each..) girls are for me mainly, bdsm stuff with different people etc...

Last year we had some regular partners but pretty much we were always together... as a joke we wanted one to live with us, but obviously it never happened (it was just a fun idea to mess with)

I sometimes used to think I am in love with those girls, but I as actually just probably in love with being in love + excited about new things.

And then she came.. we invited her to play few times, and I think, I just might really fall in love... she is just amazing.

So I was thinking about polyamoric? relationship...
she said it might be cool..
I don't really know how to suggest that to him, I suffer from anxiety and there is NO way I am going to be p front with him.
He asked me a few times jokingly if I;d like what my good friends are doing (they are a married couple with a living in girlfriend) and I was embarrassed and didn't know what to say... guess I missed my chance there..

it is really getting to me... how do I make him understand where there drift goes...?

AnnabelMore 02-19-2012 07:41 PM

I would warn you away from poly if you are too anxious to bring up your feelings directly. Polyamorous relationships bring up many complex emotions and many situations where for your emotional health you may need to say things like "this is bothering me, could we take a step back" or "I would like to move forward more than we have been, could we all talk about that idea" or "I think I need some space" etcetcetc. Without that ability, you will likely suffer.

I assume you've been to therapy? Have you tried writing out your feelings/desires rather than speaking them aloud?

insanity 02-19-2012 07:46 PM

I am actually able to say "This is bothering me", and things like that, (and that's after I've been to therapy, as you guessed).

But to bring a big subject like that it is hard for me, I'd be able to talk about it and discuss it, but bringing it up on my own is very overwhelming even to think about...

I think this kind of relationship would do good for me... tired of weird sexual partners, I really like this girl and then other night three of us went to a club and they set around me and I was leaning on both of them and it just felt so right to have one on each side and not only physically..

km34 02-19-2012 11:35 PM

It sounds like you have already kind of talked about it with her? Why not see if she could say something to your boyfriend so that he knows she is interested? Either when you're around so you can all discuss together or she can tell him she's been thinking about it and thinks you might be interested if he was and you two should talk kind of thing...

I do think it is important to be able to bring up big issues BEFORE getting into this kind of relationship, though. If you're not able to tell him that you're interested in this woman, how are you supposed to be able to bring up other things that are important to you? Like if you need more personal space or more time just you and your girlfriend or more time just you and your boyfriend? You really need to be able to talk completely freely with both people so you won't get stuck in a situation you're not comfortable with.

AnnabelMore 02-20-2012 04:34 AM

Maybe you could arrange for you and your boyfriend to hang out with your good friends and their girlfriend, and get them talking about their poly relationship as a way to bring the subject up? You could even tell them your aim beforehand so that they can help steer the conversation to whether you and the bf would ever like to try it. But I still think it's dangerous to go down this road if you will continue to have trouble bringing up certain things. Clear, fearless communication is essential.

redpepper 02-20-2012 06:18 AM

Did you mean this to be in this section for blogs and stories? People are not generally invited to comment on blogs yet you have asked questions. I was wondering if I can move this to another section. You are welcome to keep it here and write your story as it unfolds however, and start a new thread in the poly relationship corner.

strixish 02-20-2012 01:08 PM

If you don't feel comfortable talking to him about this, then you might want to first work on finding ways to be more comfortable bringing up "big subject" conversations, and work on your communication skills.

It's important to have strong communication skills in any relationship, but especially if you're polyamorous. It's good that you can speak up if something is bothering you, but there are all sorts of other kinds of uncomfortable conversations that will crop up if you're navigating these waters.

I do agree that the "honey, I really like someone" conversation is one of the hardest to find the words for, especially if you know it's sort of coming out of the blue for them.

dingedheart 02-20-2012 03:05 PM

Why are going to marry? Whats the driving need behind that?

Knowing how you feel today and the possible relationship structure you want I think you need to get that all into the open before you marry. And perhaps learn the reasons behind why you couldn't/ wouldn't express your true thoughts and feeling to your long term partner.

insanity 02-20-2012 05:10 PM

I have anxiety and that's one it is hard on me to bring it up, it might take forever to fix that anxiety thing, I can't stop living and put my life on hold while it is still there, so I asked for some alternative ways of how I can make this conversation happen.. :(

p.s to the mod; you mind if the post stays here?

dingedheart 02-20-2012 07:04 PM

Sorry didn't really grasp the depth of the anxiety problem. I was just thinking in terms of being or soon to be married life partners and not being able to share these type of things when the topics been broached more than once prior and clearly such things are not going to be judged as taboo or out of bounds.

How about say ...remember that time you mentioned our good friends and asked if would I like that type relationship ....I think I'd like to talk about that concept and possibility of something like that. (see boat still there... you got another chance)


How about writing a note saying you posted some thoughts and comments on a forum and would like his input on the thread and send him a link to this thread. He knows of you struggle with anxiety right???....this could be a strategy for broaching difficult topics. Maybe talk to your therapist on effective methods to start difficult conversations. Write a journal ...then ask him to read it ...

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