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-   -   Does having more partners make each one less significant to your life? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21621)

sefton 02-19-2012 09:18 AM

Does having more partners make each one less significant to your life?
 
think about it...if you are someones only partner, then you are a much more significant and influencing part of their life than if they had a dozen other partners. agree? im not saying you love them less if you have more partners, but you certainly have more of an impact on their life if you are the only one. and personally, id rather be extremely significant to my partners life than anything even slightly less significant than it could be, and i would want a partner who wanted the same in me

Emm 02-19-2012 02:43 PM

I would rather my partner be influenced by others as well as by me. Being everything to someone can be exhausting, and I'm less likely to bore him to death if he has others to give him what he needs when I'm not around or not feeling "on".

AnnabelMore 02-19-2012 03:24 PM

Wanting to be mono is fine, but this argument for it always kinda bugs me. I mean, if your partner had no other friends and family you'd be the most significant to them you could possibly be! But wait, that's messed up. My partners are significant to me and me to them not because they have no other outlets or options, but because of the strength of our connection when we're together.

RfromRMC 02-19-2012 04:39 PM

Agree with Emm
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Emm (Post 125716)
I would rather my partner be influenced by others as well as by me. Being everything to someone can be exhausting, and I'm less likely to bore him to death if he has others to give him what he needs when I'm not around or not feeling "on".

This. Amen.

In fact, lately I'm trying to get a boyfriend to go out and date others more simply because I know we are VERY different and cannot be everything for each other. I know there are others out there that can fill various needs and such for him that I simply cannot.

BrigidsDaughter 02-19-2012 05:11 PM

I have 2 partners; a husband and a boyfriend. Both are very significant parts of my life in different ways. My husband is my rock, my anchor, we've been together for 14 years, have a child together, share debt, have shared experiences that I don't have with my boyfriend. But man was it hard being stationed 2,000 miles away from home with few friends when he was sent to the field for a month or 2, especially after we had our son.

My boyfriend and I have a different but equally awesome connection. He just gets how I think. He understand why things set me off and is an amazing sounding board, which has helped understand myself better and communicate my needs better. We are only a little under three years into our relationship, but have known each other about 5 years. I couldn't imagine my life without him in it in some significant way any more than I could imagine living without my husband.

People are social creatures, they need connections with multiple people to thrive, be they friends, lovers, or family. And if anything else, I'd say that our most significant connection should be that connection with ourselves or our children.

drtalon 02-19-2012 07:26 PM

Each person in your life should be as significant as the relationship between the two of you balances out. (Relationships need to be roughly balanced, right?) If you're in a relationship where the significance you each give the other doesn't allow you time or energy to have anything else of significance in your life, then, yes, if you want anything else significant, you're going to have to give less significance/attention/love/time/whatever to the person who otherwise takes up all your significance/attention/love/time/whatever.

Some people have a point where they are "polysaturated" and don't have any significance/attention/love/time/whatever to give anyone else. Self-awareness of this point is helpful.

Others call this "scarcity thinking" and reject the idea that we diminish ourselves or our relationships by having more of them.

My personal opinion is our love is infinite, but our time is not. YMMV.

JaneQSmythe 02-19-2012 08:08 PM

Emotional Energy and Time Restraints
 
I am of the opinion that it is not possible for ONE person to fulfill all of another person's wants/needs (and it is exhausting to try). Many people have outside friends and family that fulfill some of those needs. Polyamorists have other partners that also fulfill some of those needs.

For myself, I am a fairly extreme introvert but my job requires me to imitate the extrovert for many hours a day (meet a client, charm them into telling me their personal problems, fix their problems...move to next client - every 20 minutes all day long). I have very little emotional energy at the end of the day for superficial social interactions, and very little time to recharge my "people-interaction" battery.

How is this relevant? (you may ask) Pre-Dude I had a husband, a few very close friends, and a few more close friends that I could interact with without drawing down my emotional energy meter. After Dude came into our lives I found that my tolerance for spending time with our close but not very close friends did diminish (but my need for my time with my husband and closest friends did not). SO, having another partner did affect the energy and time I had available for people who did not have such an integral role in my life but not for the most important people in my life.

(Incidentally, I see the same thing happen to people when they have a baby - close friends and family remain but there is no longer time/energy for more peripheral friendships to remain at the same level.)

This is just what I have observed in my own life. YMMV.

Magdlyn 02-19-2012 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drtalon (Post 125767)

Some people have a point where they are "polysaturated" and don't have any significance/attention/love/time/whatever to give anyone else. Self-awareness of this point is helpful.

Others call this "scarcity thinking" and reject the idea that we diminish ourselves or our relationships by having more of them.

My personal opinion is our love is infinite, but our time is not. YMMV.

Yesterday one of my 3 male lovers broke up with me by text. I've also got a long term gf. I was feeling emotional distance from The Hottie on our last date and left the ball in his court for when to get together again.

Turns out he wants to be mono with his other gf, and that's fine, because 4 lovers was more than I could handle. 3 lovers is plenty! I see my gf 4 days a week, The Ginger one overnight a week, and The Gentleman about every other week. I talk online with both guys about twice a day when we aren't actually together.

If I didnt have miss pixi, The Ginger and Gentleman, I would have pursued The Hottie more vigorously, but as it stands, getting dumped is not that big of a deal. I'm so happy with the other 3, it almost hurts sometimes.:)

Jade 02-19-2012 10:57 PM

I can't be my husband's everything. Even when we're mono, I can't be his everything. It is exhausting. Letting others into your life doesn't have to detract from your relationship. It will impact, but it doesn't need to detract. There is a balancing act. If you try to be poly and you or your partners don't respect the potential impact, then yeah, negative situation. If that happens, you can work through it or break it off. [note to self: but don't just sit there]

sefton 02-19-2012 11:51 PM

most of you are saying the same kind of thing that a certain poly person ive dated says that bothers me, which is "ugh i dont want to have to be there for the person all the time, thats exhausting, i want my own life". i suppose this is my #1 problem with the idea of dating some poly people. if it's such a chore to be there for me, i'd rather move on to someone else who would love to be there for me. AnnabelMore argument makes the most sense, but id still object but dont have time right now


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