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-   -   End of Relationships (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21596)

PolyBlargh 02-18-2012 11:41 AM

End of Relationships
Hi ya'll,

I have read the forums here for ages, never signed up. I'm not one for posting lots on the internet and tend to be wildly private. However, seeing another post and having just starting going through something very hard, I thought I would share, because I don't really have any where else to look for support on this one particular issue.

I'm poly, I was involved with 3 ladies, things have been great, 1 for 8 years (8) , 1 for 3 year (3) and one for 6 months (.5). 3 years lady (3) started to look for a guy to date a little while back, well for the past year. We did/do love each other a lot. We were well past the NRE and all that. Last year before she started looking though, she did say she wanted to be exclusive with me, or at least live with me primary and displacing (8). I told her that wouldn't happen, but did offer her cohabitation and her own room in my house. She declined. Things continued after that on a positive note. She met some guys none of which were a fit, and she tended toward guys that were a bit, manipulative boarderline abusive, much like her marriage prior to me was. However I digress. She has recently been talking to another guy that seems to be a VERY good fit for her, and because of this and because she's decided that "mono" is the way to be, we broke up, today. She didn't even want to consider discussing her continuing our relationship with the new guy that's she's not even "officially" dating yet. She just figures it'll be easier.

So I love her and she's made her choice. However she says and I feel the same way that we are "best friends" I don't want to lose that and neither does she, but 1. she doesn't want to disclose our previous relationship to the guy for fear he won't be comfortable with us doing stuff together. 2. I'm really hurt by all this. I feel a little used, I feel like a lot of time has been spent in vain. and 3. I feel like she continues to want the benefits of me as a boyfriend with out the girlfriend duties and my little 14 year old boy inside screams "screw that, not my problem anymore, why would i want to do fun things with her, she made her choice" Along with a host of other feelings that go along with the end of a relationship.

I've lost a very special lover in my life today, and I fear I'm going to lose someone who is truly my best friend in a very short amount of time, and I don't know how to deal with it. Every other break up i've had has been so much different and so much easier to deal with. I know I'm not supposed to have some of the feelings I have but I do.

Well thanks for listening random internet people. I know my post/story is incomplete, but I've been up for like 30 hours or something now and this is how it came out.

Magdlyn 02-18-2012 12:20 PM

I'm sorry for your loss, PB. Any feelings you are having are the feelings you are supposed to be having!

It is truly too bad your gf has such a mono mindset that she broke up with you after 3 years just because she is newly interested in some new guy. Sadly, it sounds like she really just wanted a mono boyfriend the whole time. :( And she doesnt plan to tell anyone she might date that she was in a V for several years... No wonder you feel so hurt and disrespected and can't picture continuing to be friends with her.


PolyBlargh 02-18-2012 01:11 PM

I think that's a pretty fair assessment Magdlyn. I don't want to not picture being friends with her though, and I really hate some of the anger feelings. Honestly just don't know how to resolve or deal with them. I've never had to suddenly move from one dynamic to the next in quite the same fashion.

Jade 02-18-2012 01:38 PM

I'm so sorry. It's hard to not feel like you were wasting your time when things don't work out. I know. Believe me, I know. It really is okay to be hurt and angry. Continue to be true to yourself. (hugs)

AnnabelMore 02-18-2012 01:43 PM

A poly person shouldn't be used as a fun diversion until the opportunity for a "real" relationship comes along. Or, at least, it should be said up front that that's what's happening. I suppose you can give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she didn't realize quite how she felt... but yeah, that's a shitty way to be broken up with.

I think you could beak up and stay friends. But I don't know about pretending your relationship never existed and staying friends. That desire to rewrite the past to smooth the way for the present, to put this new guy's potential feelings in every way over yours... that just seems kinda callous and cowardly. I would say no to that part.

PolyBlargh 02-18-2012 02:52 PM

Well a couple things changed in her life. She finished grad school and had more freetime with her new job and all then she ever had. I think the fact i wasn't able to be there as much that lead really to wanting a guy to herself, but no excuse.

Thank you AnnabelMore I needed to hear that. I was thinking that, like for V-day i gave her a picture frame and a photo of use at the beach kissing, very cute/pretty picture, but she might as well throw it away, especially since he attitude is that she couldn't still be friends with me if he knew our history, so she's always said to him i'm just her best friend. I thought I was being unreasonable and was thinking oh, this way yeah maybe we can still go do stuff, just not sex stuff. Now I'm just more pissed. After being there for EVERYTHING for three years to have it just marginalized for some new guy.

opalescent 02-18-2012 03:40 PM

Tell her that you are hurt and angry and why you are so hurt at her dismissal of three years of love and support. She has decided that she would prefer a mono relationship - that happens and she cannot be blamed for wanting what she feels is best for her. But that does not mean she gets to rewrite history, pretend you and she never happened. Tell her you will not hide the truth from future boyfriends. You can't stop her from lying or shading the truth but do not help her do so. If they ask, you will tell.

Also start thinking about how you will handle it if her relationship fails - and the odds on new relationships tend towards failure. Do not be surprised if she wants to come back to you. How will you handle that?

Best of luck.

PolyBlargh 02-18-2012 09:08 PM

Thank you all. Her and I are going to have lunch on Monday, and I've asked her to bring me all my stuff. I lived there part time really so it's not just a couple trinkets. I think this might make what she's decided more real for her. There have been times when i've take stuff for one reason or the other and it always freaked her out and lead to "are you breaking up with me?" questions. So I don't know if that's relevant at all, but at least in my messed up mind i'll maybe get to see her hurt as much as I am.

As far as what will happen when/if the relationship she's starting fails, I don't know. I've been wrestling with this myself. I want to tell her in no uncertain terms that if/when it does, her and I will continue to be what she's decided we're going to be now, not what we were before. Problem is of course, I don't really feel that way and would probably take her back in a heartbeat. The problem I see with that is I'm left basically as a safety net. It lets her not have to worry about things, or worry about what's going to happen if it fails because she know good 'ol bill will be there for her to pick up the pieces.

Thanks again everyone, a little bit of validation can go a long way. I know as poly I'm not supposed to be jealous and I'm supposed to be hurt when I help someone get better and they move on.

quitecontrary 02-18-2012 11:54 PM

As a mono in a poly relationship, I'm wondering if she's been mono all along. I know I fell in love with a poly guy, but when I found someone else, I totally broke his heart and left for the new person, which was a jerk move, similar to what she seems to be doing. I wonder how much experience has she had in dating, poly or otherwise, because I had very little, and I thought because my partner was poly, I had to be as well. Now, having gotten to know myself a little better, it kills me that I did that to him.

I have to say, I would have trouble being a secondary as a mono person. I am the primary in my current relationship, and I am mostly very happy.

Just giving you an alternate perspective. It sucks, and I hope you guys can find a good balance.

ThatGirlInGray 02-19-2012 01:32 AM

I'm so sorry that happened. :( Have you and she discussed taking some time apart to facilitate the transition to friendship? Or does she want it to be an immediate change?

It could help in the long run to take a break now, if only to have a more solid handle on your feelings and wants. If you really want to be able to be close friends with her in the future, you might not want to jump into the role she wants from you while you're still dealing with your hurt.

Best of luck.

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