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-   -   is polyamory appropriate in a troubled relationship. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21592)

brie 02-18-2012 09:09 AM

is polyamory appropriate in a troubled relationship.
I am excited to be on this site and first of all wanted to say I have a great deal of respect for people with the honesty and maturity to maintain happy polyamorous relationships.
I was wondering if anyone with more experience could perhaps give me some advice on the matter. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I love him dearly, he is hot and sexy to me, but lately we have been having problems. I have not had healthy relationships with men in the past and loving and trusting him fully is difficult. Subconsciously I am afraid of being hurt as many people are. I messed up and hid a kiss with someone else from him. Lately I have been extremly jealous of his flirtations and I know its just fear. he says my insecurity is a turnoff. He wants an open relationship, I asked him if he wants to be with other people , he says he doesnt know. He says he wants me to trust him and see that he will come back. I dont want to be in an open relationship, I feel all my energy is going into healing from the past and I feel vulnerable and I want one man right now, I dont want other partners for him or me. I dont want to control him either, But I dont feel powerful in the relationship. I agreed because I love him and I want to give him space. I always thought a poly relationship should be built on the strong foundation of a primary relationship, and I dont feel that now. Does anyone have a different experience of how its worked for them. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Thanks

Arrowbound 02-18-2012 10:48 AM

Short answer to the question of the thread: NO. Absolutely not.

There is a lot of discussion and processing that needs to be had before either of you begin engaging other people, as well as individual work on trust in the relationship and time for that to happen.

Have you told him about the kiss?

And please, don't think agreeing to poly at this point will solve anything. You'll be left even more shaky and with you already feeling powerless it can only go downhill from here, without any prior work.

brie 02-18-2012 11:30 AM

Thanks for your reply .

It confirmed how I feel.
I told him about the kiss, I know I should'nt have tried to hid it. I know I've made mistakes. I feel like now he wants to use it against me.

Working on yourself and validating yourself is essential to a healthy relationship. I'm going to keep healing myself and see what happens.

I'm Having doubts about this relationship, because I dont feel he is willing to look honestly at himself and his abusive childhood. Which instead leads to unconscious attempts to manipulate and control and lash out in rage. I'm starting to see these patterns. I love him, but I cant go where he is'nt willing to go. I cant heal his past, I can only offer love and support. I want to move forward. I dont know if we can grow together. Enough said. With all this I think opening the relationship is a bad idea. We both need to work on ourselves.

Nerdpower13 02-18-2012 08:09 PM

I know where you are coming from. When my wife and I first opened up our marriage I only agreed because I felt it was my only choice if I wanted to stay with her because she wanted to sleep with other people and was afraid she would cheat if we weren't in an open relationship. During that time I dealt with a lot of jealousy and resentment because I felt like she didn't love me and was willing to sacrifice me so she could be with other men. But my wife and I talked it over and she addressed some of my concerns and made me feel better. I still feel jealousy sometimes but I have mostly gotten over it.

You really just need to talk things out with him and tell him how you're feeling and find out how he's feeling. If he really loves you he won't force you into something you don't want. Just don't pretend to be okay with it when you really aren't because you just end up being hurt worse. Trust me I've been there.

nycindie 02-19-2012 07:52 AM

Why did you agree to something you don't want? You deserve what you want in life, not whatever crumbs someone wants to throw you, so don't settle.

I think your first steps should be to do whatever you can to build your self-esteem, state clearly and directly what you want and expect from the relationship, and be prepared to walk away if he wants something different or tries to make you feel fucked-up or wrong in some way for "holding him back."

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