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-   -   Hi from newbie mono in poly relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21586)

quitecontrary 02-18-2012 12:58 AM

Newbie mono in poly relationship. Looooong.
Hi there, I'm quitecontrary (and apparently didn't think about how that would sound in an intro when I chose my username :)

I am a 23 year old bi female, the mono in a poly relationship with my sweetie, R, who is 9 years my senior. (Also submissive, but that's a little less relevant here.)

Basically, I am one point on a vee, with R as the hinge and his girlfriend on the other point. Oh, and there's a couple other girls too, but we are the main partners, me as the primary and her as the secondary.

I have broken a couple hearts on my poly journey, and I'm not quite sure why I never searched for a board like this before. Here's my story. I met my first boyfriend about a year and a half ago on a BDSM site, and we quickly became physically involved and attached emotionally. Which was when he started talking about his ex-ish girlfriend. She was poly, and he wanted to try. I was... well, I was in my first relationship ever, never been kissed before, and I wanted to make everything work. So I decided I'd try as well.

Well, for me, what that meant was deciding to make things official with my ex-girlfriend, L, who I had not seen in four years and who lived 13 hours away. Also, she is married and R was/is her boyfriend, all living together with her as the hinge in a vee.

Long story short, I visited and the NRE kicked in. And I ended up leaving the boyfriend a week later. I couldn't figure out how I could manage with L being so far away... how could I keep a sustained relationship with him if I was just going to end up leaving him for her? How would I know which of them I needed to be with as primary? I couldn't really figure out what to do, but I was in mass amounts of pain, as I also came out to my family at this time trying to get an answer to these questions, and they promptly basically disowned me. And she was begging me to come be with her.

It was an asshole move. The ex and I probably wouldn't have ended up staying together, because he was into some aspects of DS that I wouldn't have been able to handle in the long term, but still. Asshole move.

So I moved 13 hours away. Started a new life. L was working midnights and couldn't be with me, her husband was being clingy, and I had no idea wtf I was doing. R was there for me. We quickly ended up getting physically and emotionally intimate, but I had the intention of staying in the relationship with L as well. Things just BLEW UP. Her husband was mad because I didn't sleep with him and felt that I had led him on (which, in fairness, was likely accurate, but totally unintentional), she was upset because she was caught in the middle and about to lose the people she cared about. I was upset and angry and sad, because I had already lost everything, and now I was about to lose more.

L and I ended up breaking up, and R and I moved out. R was upset with L and didn't talk to her for a while, but they are now back on solid footing. Surprisingly, L's husband is fine with THAT, but he is not interested in becoming friends with me or talking to me, and honestly, I reciprocate those feelings. I feel as though he thought he had a right to my body from the minute I moved into the house. I feel like he is immature (even measuring up to me!) and I am not interested in any sort of relationship with him.

So, fine kettle of fish, hm? I LOVE R to bits, and the one thing I have realized throughout this whole thing is that I am most likely just mono. I can't spread myself out like that and I can't handle the NRE (clearly). And I am dealing with how that works, being in a relationship with R and trying to feel secure and stop the jealousy and TRUST.

It's interesting. It took him saying that he wanted me to be only his for me to think about it that way. I was trying poly because that was how my partners were wired, but I didn't realize that mono/poly relationships can exist and can flourish if treated in the right way. I have yet to find someone who has the same story, with a poly partner asking someone to remain monogamous to them.

I'd love some insights or advice.

Icewraithonyx 02-18-2012 04:46 PM

I'm the mono in a poly relationship, and I agree: you don't have to be poly just because your partner is.

I was a bit confused on one point: you said R wants you to be monogamous with him? Is this a boundary or a preference? It sounds like you prefer monogamy so it's not a huge deal but I was curious. May become an issue later.

quitecontrary 02-18-2012 07:35 PM

It seems to be a boundary - he was okay with me being with L, but that was only because she got there first. :p And yes, I have thought of that. Right now it doesn't matter, because there is no way I'm looking for a second or even opening that possibility. It's caused me and the people I love too much grief. If I feel more comfortable with it in the future or find the right person (and it would have to REALLY be the right person for me to chance it), we'll have some talking to do.

quitecontrary 02-18-2012 08:21 PM

Just a note on L's husband: I wrote this last night when I was kind of upset about an ongoing situation involving him, and I wish the edit function were still available. We just push each other's buttons. I am angry with him, and he is angry with me, and we both have our reasons and we both feel justified. I'm not sure we'll ever be friends, but he is not the devil. He opened up their house to me, and even though I feel these very negative feelings towards him, they may not be justified 100%.

*sighs* It does complicate things, because L now wants us to be on solid footing and for me to apologize, and I just will not apologize until my anger has subsided and I feel we are both ready and slightly more mature. Just such a weird situation.

Jericka 02-19-2012 05:42 PM

It sounds like you expected a V, and he expected something more like a triad where everyone sleeps with everyone? If that is the case, then what is there to apologies for, really?

"I'm sorry that I have boundaries and enforce them." isn't really...I'm not sure that I could say that in a way that could be taken as an apology, myself. I suspect that I would be angry at him too.

I'm dating two guys. One is single, but poly and looking, and the other is married. His wife and I are friends and nothing more. She is poly, but, her boyfriends are out of town. I'm not sure what typical poly looks like, but, that's ours. I happen to find it easier and less stressful to live on my own. A situation where I was living with others would have to include a large enough space, and very firm boundaries or I would not be happy.

Mostly I am including the personal stuff because I think that lots of people move in together right away, and that does not always work. Sometimes it helps to take it slow and figure out what your needs are and how to ask for them before you are actually sharing living space and figuring out whether the toilet seats belong up or down, and who left the laundry on the floor, and who does the dishes tonight? I know I need my alone time and I can ask for it....now. Six months ago? I might not have been able to ask for it or felt able to, and the lack of alone time would have been a problem for me.

quitecontrary 02-19-2012 07:32 PM

I think he expected either that I would just be with her or that I would be with everybody. I didn't really know what to expect. All I knew was that I was hurting and I didn't know what to do. I guess I was assuming that I'd just be with her and no one else. Once I got there, I was in tremendous amounts of pain, even though I was with her, and R and I just clicked. The husband and I... didn't.

But the thing is, the two of them share a bed, and there were times when I wanted her, but he was there sleeping, and I would sleep with the two of them (just sleeping, just needed to be near her). And when he said he wanted to be with me, I didn't say no. I said maybe someday, right now, no. Because I didn't know, I wasn't sure how to handle it, and how was I to say no when we were all living together and I had only been there for like a week, known him for a week? Maybe I did lead him on, but only because I DIDN'T KNOW.

Maybe if he hadn't applied the great amounts of pressure he did, asking constantly, innuendos of someday, a someday he assumed would be sooner rather than later, maybe if he hadn't gotten so very angry about it, then maybe things would be different. If he had been patient, if he had not pushed my triggers of earlier abuse. I don't really think he did it intentionally, but he will have that stigma attached to him in my head for as long as it's there.

It was a messy situation all around, and now, I'd be happy just keeping our own personal spheres and having the distance, but it is difficult. I am just so happy to have R so calm and collected in all of this, my rock.

quitecontrary 02-19-2012 07:39 PM

I dunno... I am trying really hard not to portray him in a negative light, because I'm sure he has his side of it too, but I DO feel justified with my feelings.

I wrote a longer reply, not sure if/when it will get through. Is there a certain length that it has to be before it has to be approved by a mod? That's obnoxious.

quitecontrary 02-19-2012 11:19 PM

Basically, you're right. Summarizing what I tried to post earlier and will probably show up at some point: I didn't really know what I was getting into, and none of us had really talked about how things would go if/when I moved in. I was in some serious hurt from leaving the boyfriend and my family disowning me, and I am 100% sure I am to blame for part of the blowup, but it doesn't take away the fact that I feel he pushed too hard.

After I slept with R the first time L's husband told me he was hurt because he wanted to be with me, and I said basically maybe someday. Because I didn't know. I didn't know how things would go. But he basically took that as a starting point to assume it would happen one day, and he wanted one day to be soon. Started pressuring, got angry... triggered me into remembering early abuse from my father. Bad combination.

To his defense, I had slept with L in his bed with him in it (JUST sleeping, just needed to be close), and I am sure there were other things I did that he thought were leading him on.

redpepper 02-20-2012 05:47 AM


Originally Posted by quitecontrary (Post 125774)
Is there a certain length that it has to be before it has to be approved by a mod? That's obnoxious.

Its not within our realm of control, sometimes the spam filter picks it up. We get to it when we can. Please be patient.

quitecontrary 02-20-2012 06:02 AM

Oh, not a problem. Bugs happen. :-) Just wondering, for future experience. Thanks!

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