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-   -   My Boyfriend Wants to be Monogamous (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21536)

ari 02-17-2012 02:02 AM

My Boyfriend Wants to be Monogamous
I love my boyfriend very much, but recently he said he wants to be monogamous. I'm really not sure if I can commit to that. Monogamy makes me feel uncomfortable, and a bit... claustrophobic? I'm definitely uncomfortable with the idea. However, my boyfriend says polyamory is depressing him, and making him feel very sad and uncomfortable. At the same time, there's a guy I'm interested in and I want to respond to his advances, but not if it makes my boyfriend uncomfortable.

polyFM 02-17-2012 02:13 AM

I don't think you should stop yourself from being who you are on account of someone else's discomfort. Your polyamory makes him as uncomfortable as his monogamy makes you.

Empathy's a bitch when it comes to making these decisions, but I think it's healthier for two people to be themselves individually than it is for them to be uncomfortable collectively. Going from the latter to the former is painful in the short term, but super healthy in the long term, if you ask me.

beginninglove 02-17-2012 05:25 PM

If you can, I would take some time to talk out with your boyfriend what exactly makes him uncomfortable about your current arrangement. Can you make some specific agreements that address his concerns without making you feel claustrophobic? Maybe you two can find the middle ground between mono and poly without either one of you feeling like you are fundamentally compromising who you are. This situation with the new guy you are interested could be a nice testing ground for your newly developed agreements, if you are willing to take it slow and talk it out with your boyfriend as you go. Be honest with your boyfriend about your new interest, and talk over what makes him feel safe versus uncomfortable. Maybe he just has some old mono conditioning to work through. Good luck!

redpepper 02-18-2012 07:38 PM

It sounds to me like he needs your undivided attention right now. If you have no other partners right now I think I would concentrate on him and spend more time with him. Work on creating a solid foundation that you both feel good about.

Poly works better it seems if both people in a couple are able to have their own lives going on. Perhaps he could work toward becoming involved in things he loves to do so that when you are both ready for you to pursue other people, he will be off doing his thing too and the time apart will be good for both of you. Time management is a skill. It sounds like now is the time to practice that before you have another partner.

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