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-   -   I'm confused, (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21532)

polyhammer 02-17-2012 01:16 AM

I'm confused,
 
A couple I know state they are a poly couple. The women in the couple had a live in boyfriend, so her husband and I were exploring a relationship. She has since broken up with the BF and since then, he has avoided me.
/
I admit I'm new to poly, but should a relationship end just because the other's relationship does?

AnnabelMore 02-17-2012 01:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polyhammer (Post 125389)
A couple I know state they are a poly couple. The women in the couple had a live in boyfriend, so her husband and I were exploring a relationship. She has since broken up with the BF and since then, he has avoided me.
/
I admit I'm new to poly, but should a relationship end just because the other's relationship does?

No, it shouldn't. But more importantly, anyone who would avoid you rather than tell you what's going on isn't someone you want to be with anyway. You're better off without him.

JaneQSmythe 02-17-2012 04:51 AM

Avoiding or Withdrawing
 
The first time I had a big fight with my husband (MrS) after I was with my bf (Dude) I found that my attention was 100% on the situation with MrS. I was distraught - I couldn't think about anything other than the fact the MrS was upset. Poor Dude (who lives with us) - at one point I actually told him to "get out" even though our argument had nothing to with him. This was wrong, but thinking about anything except MrS's distress was painfully distractingly to me.

I'm not saying that not talking to you is right, but perhaps he doesn't have the tools to deal with his wife's distress at the loss of her bf . Perhaps he is so focused on consoling and supporting her that he is ignoring his other obligations (i.e. to you). When her situation (grief at the loss of her relationship) settles he may come to you and apologize for his lack.

So, a question - how long has it been? - in terms of your "exploring" a relationship with her husband, since her breakup with her bf, how long had she and bf been "live in" lovers, etc. Is he actually avoiding you or just distracted by his wife's distress? I think these factors would influence your response to his unresponsiveness.

polyhammer 02-19-2012 02:16 AM

So, a question - how long has it been? in terms of your "exploring" a relationship with her husband, since her breakup with her bf, how long had she and bf been "live in" lovers, etc. Is he actually avoiding you or just distracted by his wife's distress? I think these factors would influence your response to his unresponsiveness.

We were only exploring for about a month, before she broke up with the other guy. They broke up the night after her husband and I became intimate. It's been about 5 weeks since their breakup. I'm not sure how long she was with her BF. But I have heard from some other people who know them, that she is the person who makes all the decisions

AnnabelMore 02-19-2012 05:12 AM

The timing could be a coincidence, but... I wonder if she couldn't handle her husband being intimate with you, asked/told him to break it off with you, and broke up with her boyfriend as well to make things "fair". It sounds insane, but some people just handle things incredibly poorly.

dingedheart 02-20-2012 03:31 PM

It is not a coincidence NO way. He's either too gut less to tell you whats really going on ....or he's stalling. Stalling to see what direction he and his wife need to go before burning the bridge with you ....stalling in hopes his wife will start missing her bf and resume relations with him which will green light things with you again. Stalling hoping you will push the issue or get fed up and break up with him first. There's a reason and you need to ask what it is. Lets see if I'm even close.

In his relationship who pushed to open things up...Her or Him??? Was this their first relationships after opening up ?

How did this guy come to live with them?


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