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-   -   It's a bit sudden. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21531)

canisbelua 02-17-2012 01:12 AM

It's a bit sudden.
Warning: Wall of text.

I am a happily married woman, and my husband and have been housemates with another married couple for several years, the female of which has been my best friend for even longer. I always thought of her the same way I think of my sisters.

This valentine's day, she surprised me with roses and chocolate and a card that contained a love confession. She asked me and my husband if I could be her girl.

I was stunned speechless. I knew she and her husband had considered a polyamorous lifestyle but never thought for a moment that would involve me.

We sat and talked and I told her I needed time to think. My husband, after a bit of thought, said if I wanted this, it was OK with him.

I am trying to understand how I really feel about this. And the funny thing is... part of me is really beginning to be happy about it. I've learned that I do find her attractive, and I know always did love her--Is that love of a friend/sister slowly changing into something new? It does seem to feel that way.

But it is so sudden. It terrifies me because it is new. It's hard enough to balance one healthy relationship, can I really handle two? I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. I thought, "I'll read a book, look up some info, avoid going in blind..." but there is SO MUCH information out there, and much of it does not pertain to this relationship model.

I can't tell my family or friends. Not yet, anyway. I can't deal with their criticism on top of my own indecision. But since I can't talk to them, I don't know where to get emotional support or outside perspectives... My husband is no good at talking about feelings, sadly.

I don't know where to start in sorting all my feelings out and choosing the right direction to go in. I was so content before. It feels like everything has been uprooted.

I'm not even 100% sure what questions I am asking now. I just wonder if anyone has any advice of how to get through this scary stage of flux and indecision or ways to get the kind of information or support I am in need of.

Please don't be hard on me... I don't mean to be annoying (if I come off that way), or ask questions that may be basic knowledge here if I just bothered to look them up (I tried, but I felt like I was drowning in info). But if you can offer advice, a helpful link, a good book... please let me know. Thank you.


AnnabelMore 02-17-2012 01:42 AM

There may be a poly social group in your area, do some googling, maybe you can find new friends to talk to. I found www.morethantwo.com to be very helpful. Good stuff here as well: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=26

Tell her you want to give it a couple of weeks to think it over, at the least. There's no reason to rush into this. Living with multiple partners is very intense, you won't be able to get away from the situation if you're feeling overwhelmed, so that's something to consider. On the other hand, people make it work.

If you do decide to go for it, take it slow and make sure everyone is doing lots of talking and as little assuming as possible.

Good luck!!

Pretzels 02-17-2012 01:47 AM

x2 on the everybody talking suggestion.

You might try just talking to the people involved in the situation. Her, her husband and however much you can get your husband to talk about it. (Don't push too hard, some people are OK with situations more so if they don't have to talk about it.) Talk about possible boundaries and scenarios and worst-case and best-case. A pre-plan can lead to fewer landmines down the road.

Good luck. You must feel incredibly insane right now.

strixish 02-17-2012 01:37 PM

Keep in mind that you can move as slowly as you want. If you're not sure how you feel, make sure she knows that, and then take as much time as you need to figure it out.

It's not about whether or not to have a relationship with her. You already have that-- it's just been friendship for a long time, but it's a connection. You're thinking about adjusting that connection.

If you feel too uprooted by this, it is totally fine to say "maybe later." Take six months to focus on your friendship with her, and figure out your feelings.

If you previously felt content and now you *don't*, then listen to that. Give yourself permission to keep things the same as they have been.

dingedheart 02-17-2012 05:15 PM

The only possible problem I see is in your husbands ability to express his feelings. Under laboratory conditions with all parties being good communicators challenges arise with NRE, time/split..or management, jealousy, etc and resentment can build quickly.

Also, have you and hubs talked about down the road ...him finding other romantic partners? Are you going to be OK with that? Its impossible to unring these bells.

canisbelua 02-17-2012 09:14 PM

Thanks everyone for the advice. She and I and our spouses have been talking a lot about this.

My husband's opened up a bit. He says he does not feel he would ever want anyone other than me because, in his words, he'd "always be comparing them to [me] and no one else would compare" aww! But he also says it doesn't bother him if I date her because he feels he's always been sharing me with her (as a friend) before and as far as he is concerned this isn't too different. He also says he knows I love him enough that he doesn't have to feel threatened by her. He has never been a jealous or possessive type anyway so I can't say I am surprised but I am flattered that he trusts me so much.

Her husband is relieved at the idea because he feels he has more breathing room in their relationship. He works a lot so she's been a bit clingy with his free time in the past, because she didn't get enough attention during the day, and he feels like I would be good for her to help her get the attention she needs.

I think I am getting over my feeling of reluctance and being uprooted. I think I do want to give this an honest try. I will try and read more on the subject, and the advice everyone is giving helps a lot so I will continue watching this in case there is anymore. Gonna get some Kindle books soon as I have money again. Any recommendations?

dingedheart 02-17-2012 11:02 PM

Everything sounds very encouraging. Not a bad idea to do further reading on here get some perspective of how things could go.

One word of caution would be thinking in absolutes....things can change very quickly for the very good and unfortunately sometimes the bad. In your reading you will find many a spouse have agreed to open their marriage and at the outset have no desire or interest in finding additional romantic partners only to have a profound awakening later.

Love, excitement, thrill of NRE, comfort, normalcy, boredom, gap filling, get in the air and in the mind. It could be 6-8 month could be a year and half or 2 years but it does happen. And it happened to me and many others here who made similar declarations. So I'd suggest you ask yourself how you would be today with sharing your husbands time and attention, his intimate thoughts and feeling, and his most definitely his body with other women. Imagine him leaving Friday morning and not returning until Saturday afternoon. This could be their typical sleepover date time. Not uncommon. Now it may not make a difference because you'd have a built in distraction...but what if it happened tonight and or you had no distraction. Just something to think about.

canisbelua 02-17-2012 11:10 PM

Thanks for the advice. I will have to give that some heavy thought to see how I feel. I want to say I would be able to handle it but I also don't want to make the assumption without some deeper reflection. Thank you.

redpepper 02-18-2012 08:25 PM

You've got some good advice here. I think if I were in your position, even after having been poly for a million years ;) I would take a good long time to enter in to something more than friendship. Friendship and partnership "feel" different. I think I would be very cautious about taking on that feeling too soon. I would want everyone to be good and used to the feeling before changing my friendship into something closer and sexual.

It sounds like you don't think you owe her anything. I think that is a blessing. I would be concerned that I owe her an answer of some kind. Even if I know I don't. Good for you.

I also suggest you do a lot of educating yourself on here and elsewhere as to what could come up. Its all very well to plan, but really, you'll never really know what will happen until it happens. Better to be prepared I think.

BusGirl 02-19-2012 01:38 AM

Opening Up
Sex at Dawn

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