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-   -   Unique "V" and need advice!! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21517)

themermaidcafe 02-16-2012 06:41 PM

Unique "V" and need advice!!
Hi all! So, this is my first post, although, I have read some of the posts around the forum. So, I have a unique situation (or maybe its not even that unique), but I feel like I cant talk to anyone about it, so, I figured, why not a bunch of strangers?! I’ll try to be as brief as possible, but please bear with me while I tell my story.

So, I am a female, and I have been with my partner A. (also female) for 7 years. We have a strong, loving, and solid relationship. About 4 months ago everything changed. A. and I always said from the beginning of us that if either one of us wanted to “explore” other people, had the urge to connect with someone else, or do the whole ‘open relationship’ thing, that we would be OK and would want our partner to do that.

So, about 4 months ago a younger cute girl (K.) came into our lives, and the 3 of us developed an immediate connection. We all started fooling around (this was a first for A and I), and started connecting to each other in many ways. It was that feeling of a new relationship and the infatuation that goes along with it. Well, as time went on, I noticed that A and K were connecting on a deeper level than K and I. I started to have some jealousy and insecurity issues (having been burned in a past relationship has kind of scarred me) and we would all go out, and I would get dramatic, and do and say things that im not proud of because I didn’t understand why all of a sudden I felt like the 3rd wheel. I tried to talk to A about it, but it just led to her telling me I was silly and there was nothing to worry about, etc.

Just after the new year it was finally revealed that K has feelings for A. (This was like my worst fear at the time, and here it was coming true) I actually felt a little bit better knowing that K had serious feelings beyond the “fun” stuff that we were all doing before. It made me feel better that there was a legit reason that the two of them were becoming closer, and I was just distancing. (not to mention my insecurities were just pushing them closer together because they wanted to enjoy each other without the drama of me around!)

So, A has reassured me that shes not leaving me for K, and that shes ‘just going with it’, and helping K through some of the really tough things she has going on in her life (K has been dealing with some family, job, and health things all at once, and has never had a friend or someone she can count on, and A is being that for her). Well, as of now it has clearly developed into more than “fun”, and more than a “friendship”.

My current situation is that A has told me that she is not leaving me (and I truly trust her 100%, shes very honest, and has never given me reason to distrust), and that she is doing her thing with K. (aka K is her right now, and I am her forever). K and I’s relationship pretty much fell apart and we are nice enough to each other, but not close like we used to be. (I have tried to rebuild it, but I think I burned the bridge with her, and she has A right now, so why does she need me too?) So, the crazy part is that I live with this every day. K comes over to our home after work everyday (like she used to when it was the 3 of us), the 3 of us eat dinner together, watch TV on the couch with A and K all snuggly, and then we all pile into the queen bed and say goodnight. It’s like I have to have it rubbed in my face constantly! A and I are not what we used to be because she has all the NRE with K, and I’m just there.

A and K cuddle during the night, and I am almost like alone in a bed with 2 others. They are doing a lot of the things that A and I did in the beginning of our relationship 7 years back, and I feel all sorts of emotions. I am jealous they have that NRE, I am sad that A is not paying me much attention, and I am hurt that I feel so left out. They like to lay in bed all day Saturday or Sunday (things A and I used to do, and now I just feel awkward about it). They like to stay up later than our “bedtime” downstairs on the couch to talk or fool around or whatever. I’m not sure if I am completely crazy for allowing this to go on in front of my face or what. Some nights (maybe once a week) they will stay at K’s house, and I will be alone. Of course part of me likes that because I don’t have to see it all in front of me, but then part of me hates it because A is not next to me in bed, and I start to imagine them alone together, etc, etc.

I have tried to reconnect and check in with A lately, and she is making small efforts to make me know I am still appreciated. She is not a ‘talker’ and doesn’t like to constantly check in and talk about things, so, she’d rather just go with the “here and now”. Logical me gets all that, and it makes sense to me, but on the other hand, its still very hard to see/ live with on a daily basis.

I’m sorry this was so long, I can elaborate on some things if anyone needs- I hope this is the jist of it, and its not too hard to understand. I have told one friend about it, but I don’t like to keep burdening her with the dramatic details of my breakdowns, etc.
Thoughts?? Am I crazy to want to be in this? I can’t just turn off my love, and I am committed to A, but its just crazy how life is unfolding before my eyes.

Magdlyn 02-16-2012 09:15 PM

Welcome to the board, Mermaid!

You have 12 hours to edit your post. Would you please add paragraph breaks? Most people won't real a wall of text like yours and you won't get many responses.

redpepper 02-16-2012 09:27 PM

This is not a unique situation first of all. Second of all, please put some paragraph breaks in your post before the 12 hour window to edit is over. Its really hard to read.

Sounds like its tiime for boundary negotiations my dear. If I were you I would sit down with them both and tell them all this. Work out a schedule that means your partner is home alone with you for several nights a week, out at her girlfriends for several nights and all three of you spend time together once a week after which she then goes home alone. Maybe your partner should have a night to her self in there too. She is her own primary after all. She needs to look after her self too.

I would suggest no contact during the nights you and her spend together except maybe once to touch base and that's it. Its time for your partner to balance her plates I think, if she is to be shared. The two of her gf's need to help her with that by being good hosts to each other, respecting the boundaries laid out and having integrity.

I live with my partners and we have it down to a fine art after several years. It seems that everyone goes through this stuff and eventually NRE needs to be put aside for consideration and a suitable division of priorities. Poly people don't get to indulge themselves in NRE when they have more than one partner. It just isn't fair to the others. If they wanted that they would be monogamous (and be childless, they are effected by NRE too).

CherryBlossomGirl 02-16-2012 09:32 PM

Hey Mermaid, welcome to the boards, glad you're here. it's helpful for me to read your experience, because i'm going through a somewhat similar situation emotionally right now. each sitch is unique mind you - we're hubbo & wife, our gf lives pretty far away from us so she can't just come over, but I really identified with a lot of your feelings of being scared, jealous, left out, and feeling like a third wheel.

while i can't offer a whole lot of advice, i will offer you this very solid cyber hug - being on the outside, and having behaved in ways you're not particularly proud of because of those feelings is double hard to deal with.

I have some questions for you:
1) are you getting counselling?
2) does your gf give you whole weekends of time anymore? if not, why not?
3) are you two still doing things just the two of you/have some kind of a schedule so she's not always over?
4) what are five things that would make this situation more comfortable for you?
5) do you have the power to stay "stop" for awhile and just have time between the two of you for a couple of weeks to help your heart/mind/soul feel more secure?

Hugs again - this too shall pass, but i know that not much makes it easier right now.

redpepper 02-16-2012 09:42 PM

Oh ya, and in bed all day can happen at her house. Maybe you should take that up again and do that with her again. I do that with my Mono in his space in the lower part of my house. I would never dream of doing that with PN around. So not what I consider being good poly etiquette. Each to their own I guess.

themermaidcafe 02-16-2012 10:52 PM

hi guys, thanks for responding (i added paragraphs so hopefully its a lot easier to read)

so, to answer a few of your questions, i have not had a night alone with A for almost a month (i know, its a bit messed up), and ill tell you why- K has some scary heart problems that happen in the middle of the night. A. likes and wants to be with her when those happen. I know it can't go on forever like this, but, it is what it is now, and i want to respect the fact that A wants to be there for her for those episodes.

I am not currently getting counseling, but i just discovered that my work offers 8 free sessions, so, i am thinking about doing that.

Some other things to consider: A doesnt like to go to K's place because K has a bunch of rommates (and theyre kind of judgy). K feels confortable at our place too, so, it's sort of something that i need to deal with.

What's also hard for me is that K and I used to have fun together! We used to fool around, and joke, and all that good stuff, and I also feel like ive lost a friend in all this.

I guess I just want to be able to deal with the couch cuddling and canoodling without feeling like I want to roll my eyes or I want that from A. also.

CherryBlossomGirl 02-17-2012 12:36 AM


Originally Posted by themermaidcafe (Post 125371)
K has some scary heart problems that happen in the middle of the night. A. likes and wants to be with her when those happen. I know it can't go on forever like this, but, it is what it is now, and i want to respect the fact that A wants to be there for her for those episodes.

i was thinking about this paragraph, and thought to myself, it's nice that A is taking care of HER heart problems, but what about YOUR heart problems? here you are, drowning in their hellaz nre, feeling alienated and lonely, and nobody seems to be doing anything to help you to feel safe and better when you're in a scary place.

i say this to you, as it's what I did for myself, ask for some space. Having someone become such a huge part of your every day life so quickly is not natural, and evn out of a poly situation, you'd need a break from a houseguest by this point. i definitely think that a break is needed, and then a schedule - redpepper's idea of some nights there, some nights alone, some nights together is very sane and reasonable. keeping on keeping on is NOT sane lady. it'll drive you 'round the bend.

AnnabelMore 02-17-2012 01:09 AM

Forcing you to spend your nights in bed with someone who is kinda-sorta your ex (more like it didn't happen in the first place than that it ended, but still, it'd have to be a sore spot), and to spend your days with no escape from your partner's NRE sounds like a concerted plan of torture. Wtf? They both really need to be more considerate of you. NRE makes people dumb, but this can't keep going.

Why is their discomfort over judgy roommates more important than your discomfort over having lost your safe space at home? And it's a shame about K's heart condition, but are these attacks going to stop sometime soon? If not, is her and A sleeping together every night going to go on indefinitely? That's not fair to you. K managed before (I assume this isn't new?) and she can continue to manage. Separate space is not some selfish desire of yours, it's a mental and emotional need that they are depriving you of. Not, not cool.

RP's proposal is a very fair one.

themermaidcafe 02-17-2012 03:40 PM

again, thanks everyone, you are right, sometimes its just eaasier said than done, lol.
I think what's weird about it is that I don't think that A sees it as she is "dating" (or whatever) K. Like A. is being there for her, and the messing around is almost just a perk? cuz thats what we were all doing? I dont know. We never really have had the 'poly' talk, but we have had the 'open to open relationships' talk.
Im analyzing myself, and what i just said, and it seems like i need to do some talking and communicating about boundaries, how i feel, and almost where we see this as headed. Because its new, everyone has just been "going with it", and now its hurting me, and i can't have that anymore.
Part of me feels selfish for wanting some attention because of K's issues, but then the other part of me feels like, dammit, i deserve a little lovin too!!

AnnabelMore 02-17-2012 04:04 PM

Yep, not "almost" need to talk about ideas for the future, definitely need. It doesn't make sense to try to map things out too far, because who knows, but if people are operating with completely different ideas of where things are going, that needs to come to light sooner rather than later. More, and *clear*, comunication is pretty much always better with multiple relationships to juggle.

The goal here is to not let things get to the point where you're hurting so much and your relationship has changed so much that you have to ask A to choose -- K or you? That happens all too often in these types of vees that start as triads. Get things to a better, saner, more balanced place now before you let yourself get hurt so much that you burn out on the very idea of poly, y'know?

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