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-   -   Wants 2 Be Equal in Polyfidel relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21487)

Wants2BEqual 02-16-2012 01:10 AM

Wants 2 Be Equal in Polyfidel relationship
 
Hi All. Hope you can help.

My Love of 4 years wants me to move forward with a full-on polyfidelitous relationship with him and his wife. Although she originally initiated the relationship, she is now reticent. She says its because she is stressed out by her job, the town she lives in (they live apart) and a 100 other reasons. She also is having trouble accepting that we (he and I) want my role to be co-primary, not a secondary. She never wanted it to go that far.

She is very bitter towards me and the whole situation. He's made it clear to her he will choose her over me if she doesnt want to try to make it work. She made it clear she is only talking to me now because she wants to avoid him resenting her if I walk.

She's made her decision she cant go forward with the 3 of us without the time to reconnect with him without feeling me around, etc. This includes her moving from where she lives to where he lives, finding a job, reconnecting, etc.(they've lived apart for 18 months)

And I've made my decision I cant go forward in limbo and as/or as a secondary, which seems exactly what I'd be if there is no time limit on the move/reconnection, and since she doesnt want to "feel" me around. This relationship has gone on 5 years and there is always a reason she gives to put this off (because she lost a job, because he lost a job, because they have to save their house, because they have a legal issue to work on, etc).

I did tell my love (her husband) last nite i am ready to pull away if he wants to make his marraige work and respect her wishes. Because even if he views it as a rebuild for the 3 of us, she is still his suffering wife. He seemed to be taking on the view that she is demonizing me and deeply wounded, even "sick".

With her and I in such opposite realms right now, he clearly also has decisions to make. i'm guessing he's going to take on the status as the guy who honors his wife by taking care of her while she is sick. Just a guess. I'll find out soon.

I'm preparing myself for a break up, or at very least, an attempt to ask me to be patient or put me on hold. I'm feeling pretty resolved not to let that happen. I am afraid I might grow to resent him if I agreed to do that, not to mention I'm anxious to move on with a positive life.

Any advice? Am I being selfish by not wanting to be put on hold after literally being on hold for years already?

dragonflysky 02-16-2012 01:35 AM

It sounds like "self-caring" to me....not "selfish".

strixish 02-16-2012 11:58 AM

This is just an outsider's perspective, but it sounds like he is in a hard place. You've described the relationship structure as having been, for a long time, that they were primaries, with a secondary relationship between you and him. That can be a stable long-term structure.

You've decided that you don't want to be secondary anymore, and so he's trying to make adjustments to keep you from leaving. She doesn't want the structure to adjust. She might even be concerned that your desire to shift from secondary to co-primary could also manifest, down the road, as a desire to shift from co-primary to one-and-only.

It also occurs to me that if anyone in my relationship structure asked me to make a choice, between them and one of my other partners, I might be inclined to choose the one who wasn't making me choose.

You ask whether it's selfish of you to make the decision that you don't want to be secondary, and I don't think that's important. You have to take care of yourself, and if living in a poly-fi secondary relationship is not meeting your needs, you have every right to want to change things.

Has it been poly-fi until now? I think it would be difficult to be secondary-only in a poly-fi relationship, but that's because I have a lot of needs that have to get met. I can do that if I have a number of secondary relationships, but not just one.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably resolve to gently end the relationship and move forward, in hopes of finding something that is more fulfilling and with fewer landmines. I wish you luck.

redpepper 02-16-2012 03:54 PM

Five years of being a secondary? That sucks! Ya, I would find someone else to fill the role he hasn't in that many years. If his wife moves back then you will have less of a relationship by the sounds of it. I think you are wise to prepare for the end. Metamour wives who are in dislike and struggling tend to "win" in the end in my experience. I would prepare for that too.

Stupid primary/secondary thing! Gah! Hate that shit. Love is love, to me there is no catagorizing it and controlling it. Take a look at some threads tagged "secondaries" "secondary" etc and see you are not alone.

drtalon 02-16-2012 04:36 PM

Quote:

I'm preparing myself for a break up, or at very least, an attempt to ask me to be patient or put me on hold. I'm feeling pretty resolved not to let that happen. I am afraid I might grow to resent him if I agreed to do that, not to mention I'm anxious to move on with a positive life.
Can you be "on hold" with them and also move on with a positive life? Do you have reasons you can't or don't want to pursue other relationships while they take time to reconnect? I think it would be unreasonable for them to expect you to remain an absent and abstinent member of a closed triad with them, so it would seem to be up to you and your feelings.

Wants2BEqual 02-16-2012 06:01 PM

Does stating my needs mean i forced him to "choose"?
 
Thanks Stixish. Yeah its a miserable place for him ...I hate he's going through it. But this is the first time in 5 years I've actually firmly stated my needs. If stating my needs (no more limbo, and no treatment as a "secondary) is interpreted as making him choose, I guess I'll have to live with that. I hope he doesnt see it that way:(

It has been a poly-fi relationship (he doesnt share), and up until recently I did accept a secondary role. But after the holidays, when a visit from her to him kept him from being able to contact me (she was fragile about me), and in result he and I were both miserable, he told her their marraige was over. I told him I couldnt do this anymore and I guess it motivated him to move forward with resolve. He told her he was choosing to be monogamous with me. Well a few days later, both of them were in too much pain, and switched back to asking me to reconsider moving forward as 3. I was hurt (again) but agreed, but I could now no longer consider myself a secondary, and i could not be held in limbo. We had to move forward now to figure out how it would work.

You are right that she is also worried I want to be the one. Its true. So is she. WE are both monogamous. But I am open to being equals to make it work. I like and respect her and my therapist says I'm capable of it with her.

ANy other advice? Thanks again

Quote:

Originally Posted by strixish (Post 125280)
This is just an outsider's perspective, but it sounds like he is in a hard place. You've described the relationship structure as having been, for a long time, that they were primaries, with a secondary relationship between you and him. That can be a stable long-term structure.

You've decided that you don't want to be secondary anymore, and so he's trying to make adjustments to keep you from leaving. She doesn't want the structure to adjust. She might even be concerned that your desire to shift from secondary to co-primary could also manifest, down the road, as a desire to shift from co-primary to one-and-only.

It also occurs to me that if anyone in my relationship structure asked me to make a choice, between them and one of my other partners, I might be inclined to choose the one who wasn't making me choose.

You ask whether it's selfish of you to make the decision that you don't want to be secondary, and I don't think that's important. You have to take care of yourself, and if living in a poly-fi secondary relationship is not meeting your needs, you have every right to want to change things.

Has it been poly-fi until now? I think it would be difficult to be secondary-only in a poly-fi relationship, but that's because I have a lot of needs that have to get met. I can do that if I have a number of secondary relationships, but not just one.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably resolve to gently end the relationship and move forward, in hopes of finding something that is more fulfilling and with fewer landmines. I wish you luck.


Wants2BEqual 02-16-2012 06:05 PM

My virtue is my vice...patience.
 
Thanks RedPepper. I've only recently realized that being a secondary is not for me. My virtue is my vice...patience.

he tried to leave her twice already, but went back immediately as the pain was too much (I didnt ask or ever suggest he do that, and in fact the first time I encouraged him to take some time to think it over and not rush)

WE've broken up many times and the pain is unbearable. We swore going into this we wouldnt break, but its looking so obvious that's the way it will go. Thank you for being there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 125291)
Five years of being a secondary? That sucks! Ya, I would find someone else to fill the role he hasn't in that many years. If his wife moves back then you will have less of a relationship by the sounds of it. I think you are wise to prepare for the end. Metamour wives who are in dislike and struggling tend to "win" in the end in my experience. I would prepare for that too.

Stupid primary/secondary thing! Gah! Hate that shit. Love is love, to me there is no catagorizing it and controlling it. Take a look at some threads tagged "secondaries" "secondary" etc and see you are not alone.


Wants2BEqual 02-16-2012 06:20 PM

I could go "on hold", except for 2 things.
 
Hi Drtalon

I could go "on hold", except for 2 things. First, I have been on hold pretty much for years already. There is always something keeping us from making a stable relationship (her search for work, his loss of job, his search for work, a lawsuit they had to work on, working through her depression, etc). Second, I've just for the first time been able to clearly stand by my 2 key needs, which are getting out of this "years long limbo" and to not accept being a secondary. If I go on hold, i'm allowing myself to both stay in limbo, as well as continue to be a secondary. Also, I'm truly not able to "move on" to other relationships while with him. Staying tethered wont release my heart.

Thanks for the ideas

l
Quote:

Originally Posted by drtalon (Post 125294)
Can you be "on hold" with them and also move on with a positive life? Do you have reasons you can't or don't want to pursue other relationships while they take time to reconnect? I think it would be unreasonable for them to expect you to remain an absent and abstinent member of a closed triad with them, so it would seem to be up to you and your feelings.


AnnabelMore 02-17-2012 01:46 AM

Stay strong. Anyone who refuses to share you had damn well better be able to give you a real relationship, not an endless litany of excuses and broken promises. Be prepared to walk away and not look back this time. People do it every day, you can do it too. What he's been asking of you is not ok.

AdamMicheal 02-17-2012 01:53 AM

outsider's openion
 
heyy there sweetheart.. seems to me like you aren't being done right.. you seem like a sweet girl and i think you can be done a hell of a lot better.. i'm kelsey and my husband's name is adam.. if you're looking for a more positive relationship, i hope you take my offer into consideration and atleast message me back.. you can do better..


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