The second start
 

Hello all,

My wife and I started having a NSA physical relationship with one of my old friends (female) it started developing into more then that very fast which we all acknowledged but didnt dont anything to slow down. It ended as fast as it started due to some issue my wife and I had to work out.

Needless to say my wife and I both had/have strong feeling for our sweet sweet Nikki. My wife has always looked at being with women as just a sexual thing until Nikki and has never thought of having a emotional relationship with a female. During the "abrupt" ending of our NSA that started to not be so NSA Nikki and I had sex with the understanding that my wife and I were done....."Wrong" my wife felt betrayed and reverted back to women are for sex and men suck.

I'm happy to say we worked thing out. I confessed that I talked Nikki into sex under the premises my wife and I were done ... I mean come on she moved out...I told her that Nikki was really only trying to comfort me. With time and communication we were able to get past all that because we were all friends prior to out NSA dealings.

Ok that is the backround....now to the second start question...

We (my wife nikki and I) have decided to give the triad another shot with a new understanding and a new approach to pace and communication.

The current situation is that My wife and Nikki are dating each other and Nikki and I are just friends. they go out on dates and make day plans and once they re-connect and get that spark back between them we will connect all the parts (meaing we will all be together) I am cool with it. I want them to be close because if feel like my wife and I are close and I feel like Nikki and I are close and I think my wife and Nikki should be close as well.


What is your take on this set up? Do you think that its a good Idea. Do you see problems from rising from this situation? How can I give them space without making it seem like I'm being standoffish because I'm jealous or upset (which I'm not)

thank you for reading this whole thing. and thanks for your thoughtful response.

pretty much my standard answer - if it works for all three of you, then more power to ya!

It's a Good Idea if it meets the needs of the three of you - nobody else has any right to tell you otherwise, and is just meddling, in my opinion.

Since I don't know the individuals involved that is a very difficult question to answer.

OK the answer to this is both simple and complicated. Communicate. And do it a LOT. Make sure that all three of you understand each others hopes and expectations to the point where there is no doubt. A lot of the secret of making this work is developing a trust between you - trusting that you know what the other wants out of it and that they aren't hiding it or leaving out "inconvenient truths".

When you talk about this, work through the logistics of the dynamics of your relationship, including alone time for each of you individually, and as couples different people have different needs and it's important to understand them so you can plan around them.

Where my concern is, is that all of the separate relationships could create an issue in making it to the "goal" of being in one relationship with the three of us. I feel like we should be doing it all together. Even though I am ok with the status quoe It just feels like there will be problems with connecting as on unit if so much time is being dedicated to the separation.

Well, do the three of you share that goal? If so, then you will all be working toward that. how to find out? Talk about it! If you do not all share that goal, then it's going to be a frustrating struggle to make it happen.

Most people feel better to least each relationship develop as it will - organically if you like. You have four relationships that can each develop - the ones between each pairing (3) and the one of the three of you together - spending time to nurture each of these and to see what they can be is very important. I would advise against trying to make it fit some mold or pre-conceived idea if you can. Let it be whatever it will be.

WOW...I totally get that. I feel so much better after reading that. Thanks. You are quite wise.

The only concern i would have , is what happens if they don't reconnect in that way? You did say that they've been going on dates, so maybe that reconnection has happened already, but you seemed to indicate that they are trying to figure that part out.

Missing ?
 

Hello Poly,

I'm left with one question bothering me.
What's the REAL connection with you and your wife ?
Just something about the fact that there were serious enough issues between you two for her to MOVE OUT tells me there's more to the story here. Something seems missing ?
Was that radical move ALL about Nicki ?
My instinct (only that) says no. But I suppose it's possible. People have been know to take all manner of radical action in a fit of anger.
But I think you have to look deep into that - not for any of us on a forum - but for yourselves.

Good luck - a happy triad can be a wonderful thing.

GS

Well it seems as though they have connected in that way but since this is my wifes first "feelings" relationship she doesnt know when is when. Since Nikki has already be in a girl girl relationship she is just moving a the pace of the slowest common denominator(my wife) As far as if they don't connect then I dont know because I am in love with nikki and I dont know how I would handle that. I dont want to resent my wife for preventing us from being together yet I dont want to upset my wife by being with nikki without her.

Well there is more to the story of her moving out. We were on a "trial separation" She wasnt sure how we could be separated if we lived together. I told her I wasnt on board.. she left anyway but it seems like it was something more to prove a point.

Update!
 

Hello all and thank you for your input thus far.

So as you know My wife and Nikki are dating (or together) or whatever you wanna call it at this point:confused:

Nikki recently moved in with us because her living situation imploded. NOT because it was a "lets move in together step"

Since I am not involved in their relationship currently I try to keep my distance and try not involve myself in any of their relationship dealings. However I feel like with me being there and around them all the time that I get pulled in or they will think about how I will feel about something before they do it. And the whole reason why I'm not involved is so they don't have to feel that way.

Today I suggested in the best interest of meeting our goal (which is to all be in a "triad" relationship" that I could stay with a friend for a few weeks so they could have a time to focus on connecting with each other. Like I said in my previous post My wife and I have a connection Nikki and I have a connection but My wife and Nikki don't.

What is your take on this solution?

Have you and your wife actually worked out the issues that lead up to your trial separation and her moving out? Were they because of Nikki or was she just caught in the cross-fire of a larger issue? Either way, those issues need to be resolved between you and your wife alone before trying to make something successful with a third.

My experience has been that this is never a good idea. Moving in with someone magnifies all the problems that have been lurking beneath the surface. All the couples I've known who have been "forced" into living together prematurely have found the pressure too great, and they either broke up, or moved back into separate homes to keep the peace.

What would Nikki do about her living situation if you guys weren't in her life? Staying with you can be a temporary solution while she gets back on her feet but may not be a viable permanent solution to her housing crisis. And if they aren't already clicking, moving in together will only magnify each other's flaws ("I can't stand the way Nikki leaves her hair in the sink" "I'm sick of Wifey always nagging me to clean up my room" etc)

If you're all living under the same roof, how could you NOT get involved in their relationship?? You love your wife, you love Nikki, and whatever happens between them is going to have an affect on you. If they have a lover's spat, how will wife, to whom you've made a life long commitment, feel if you refuse to support her, for fear of upsetting Nikki?

Be honest: is this "our goal" or "my goal" ? Has your wife expressed a true desire, FOR HERSELF, to be emotionally involved with Nikki, or is she forcing herself into something in order to please you?

I don't feel that people can force romance if it's just "not there." If two people are meant to be together, then hell and high water can't keep them apart. I don't see your moving out making any difference in the chemistry between them. Meanwhile, by trying to fall in love with someone she has no connection to, she might be missing out on another woman that could drive her heart wild! Is that really what you want for her, just so you can have this poly version of the white-picket-fence?