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-   -   My first open relationship - advice needed (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21380)

ShootingStar 02-14-2012 04:32 PM

My first open relationship - advice needed
I met this girl on the internet and thought she was sexy and interesting based on her profile. We only chatted a few times via message when I asked if she wanted to me. After we met I felt a strong attraction, she's smart, confident, and beautiful. But in situations involving strong emotions or attraction i've found that patience and having more experience is needed before making a decision such as seeing if she would want to be in a relationship.

After a few months I couldn't deal with not knowing how she felt anymore so I told her my feelings and she thought it was cute but that she was polyamorous. I felt and still feel that to be with her is worth the inner conflict I would have to contend with in order to have a relationship with her. When I say inner conflict I mean something I have to conquer in order to find happiness. This is my first real relationship ever, i've always been an introvert and found it difficult to make new friends or have a girlfriend. This is one of the reasons I like her so much because she's the first girl that I can make laugh regularly and we have a great time together.

My logic tells me that if a person wants to be with a person romantically then they will be with that person romantically and if not they won't especially for somebody who I perceive as strong and confident. So it doesn't matter if we were in a strictly monogamous relationship because she'll do what she feels (like break up with me to be somebody else) which I want her to do. So i'm at peace with that so far but I still get strong feelings of insecurity. I think its because i've never felt like I was good enough for people so of course when she wants to have sex with somebody else or if she will ever bring up having another relationship i'm going to feel a lot of pain.

What i'm looking for is advice on how to conquer this insecurity and how should I build a relationship with strong communication. I feel like she's so secure with herself that i'll be the only one with anything to express and that makes me feel like a downer. I don't think she would put me down or think i'm weak, actually maybe the opposite but her last true monogamous relationship had a messy breakup because her ex wanted to get married. Even then she wasn't down for that. I don't want to come off as the insecure guy and for her to think that our relationship is coming to a similar end.

RobertJason 02-14-2012 11:20 PM

Do you mind if I ask your age? I was a bit of a late bloomer too and from that experience I recommend not falling for the first girl who makes you feel good. Get out there and internet date until you have a feel for what you want.

The best way to overcome insecurity is to find someone who makes you feel safe, that type of person will allow you to be yourself and still feel loved. A little positive psychology helps too. Imagine women you date might be just as insecure as you on the date and that looking great or sounding smart aren't nearly as important as being a rock that makes her feel less nervous. Snuggle with people and animals as much as possible... Look in the mirror and try to love yourself.

You have to learn how to say "F it" (not out loud), because, for me, insecurity came from caring too much about leaving a perfect impression. I've found that if you care and worry too much what people think of you... then add a mental "F it", you won't go overboard, but instead balance out.

As for the girl, that's your call. It sounds like you'll have a ton of conflict, insecurity, and heartache dating her. But, it might be good to experience. Or you might just want to protect your emotions from that rollercoaster. It's a personality choice. I prefer to ride rollercoasters, but some don't.

ShootingStar 02-15-2012 12:47 AM

I'm 22. I've fallen for girls before and let the emotions control my logic but I started to have feelings for her a couple of months before I told her about them. I waited until I got to know her better and when I finally decided my feelings were valid I told her. She isn't the first girl that has made me feel good just the first one that I can really communicate with. When I graduated high school I went straight into the Airforce and I lost my virginity to a Japanese girl and i've only dealt with Japanese girls for over 3 years. So i'm not inexperienced in general i've definitely learned some hard lessons and I don't expect us to live happily ever after or anything.

I guess I just want to be the most important person in somebody's life for once and that can happen even with other sexual partners and relationships. Its also worth noting that i'm pretty sure that she only wants to have other sexual partners but not relationships. She discussed the subject with her friend in front me actually but I do need to ask her about that so things are clear.

Ya I expect there to be a lot of heartache but if anything it will be a learning experience which will help prevent heartache in the future. The funny thing is that I feel deep down that i'm a person who wants the rollercoaster even though it hurts like hell sometimes. Just the circumstances in my life (military and lonely childhood) haven't given me much opportunity to enjoy the positive aspects of the rollercoaster.

Thanks for the advice, I definitely agree with you that you just have to say F it which is hard when you have nothing to fall back on. I just recently got out of the military so i'm still in the process of building friendships back home which is probably another reason its been rough.

bassman 02-18-2012 11:46 PM

If Poly is a new concept for you, I'd suggest checking out the books section.

Get "ethical slut" first and then "sex at dawn".

Maybe you can go over some of the parts of the books together?

genebean 02-27-2012 08:45 PM

Oops, I'm using my girlfriends account, my username is actually polypenguin

Anywho, Shooting Star, I'm 23, and know where you're coming from. Your question which is by far the most common question for folks new to polyamory or even the idea of polyamory is this "How do i deal with the jealousy?"

This is the most difficult question you will have in learning to be poly, or be with someone who is poly. But the question is inherently WRONG, the question you need to ask is not "how do i deal with it," but "WHY does this make me jealous?"

In other words, think of a situation where your girlie is doing actions that result in you feeling jealous (remember no one can MAKE you feel anything, you are the only one who can EVER make you feel anything). Now, let's say for example you thought of her having sex with another person. What is it about this action that results in you feeling jealous? USUALLY, the reason comes down to insecurity, that scared feeling saying: "What if he's better than me? or What if he has a bigger dick? or What if she feels more of a connection with him or her?" and so on. You need to find out why this would make you feel insecure.

Remember, sex is sex and love is love, some people like to have it with one person, some people like to have it with multiple people, some people like to have it with animals. The point is, polyamory is not about one person being inadequate, it's about realizing love is NOT a zero sum game. Because you love one person, it absolutely does NOT mean you cannot love another.

For example: I had someone tell me once when we'd gotten onto the topic of polyamory, i could not love more than one person, i responded "Do you have any children?"

"Yes," she said.

"How many?"

"Three," she responded.

"Which one do you love?"

She knew what the answer was of course, but knew also the ramifications as well.

You are wonderful, and amazing, and ANYONE would be lucky to have you.

If you would really like to learn more about polyamory, the best book by far I've found is "Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless and Hopeful." It is the most real take on the problems/benefits of being polyamorous.

bassman 02-28-2012 06:02 AM

Genebean, thanks for the tip on the book ! Ive ordered my copy and its on its way! :-)

KyleKat 02-28-2012 06:09 AM

I've never understood why people limit their ability to love. I love my children equally, my parents, my family. I never had one "best friend". I had 10 friends and I loved them and confided in them all.

Emotions are strong and healthy. Why limit how much emotion you can feel? I've been monogamous for the past several years and I'm starting to believe it's what's been causing the heart ache in my marriage. Once we discussed poly and opened up our marriage things have been a lot smoother. Sure, sometimes I get jealous, but it's usually because of attention, not because of attraction. I know she loves me and wants to be with me.

She sounds like a cool girl. I hope you can figure it out.

polypenguin 02-28-2012 03:55 PM

i'm glad to hear you are ordering that book, my girlfriend (genebean) and I are reading it. It's a tough read sometimes, but is absolutely great.

redpepper 02-29-2012 07:02 AM

Please consider adding this book you mentioned to the book and website sticky... thanks. :)

bassman 02-29-2012 07:05 AM


Originally Posted by polypenguin (Post 126954)
i'm glad to hear you are ordering that book, my girlfriend (genebean) and I are reading it. It's a tough read sometimes, but is absolutely great.

How cool is that ! (envious)

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