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-   -   Reservations About Starting Again (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21340)

BFTrick 02-14-2012 02:50 AM

Reservations About Starting Again
Well my first poly relationship ended a week or so ago. I fell madly in love with a girl who already had a boyfriend. We spent a good 5 months together but the last month was pretty tough. The BF wasn't getting enough time with the gf and the girl was tired from having to spend so much time with both of us. In the end she was just too tired and she wanted to focus her time and energy on the other boy.

The thing that bugs me is that to be a good partner in a poly relationship you have to believe with every fiber of your being that your partner won't choose the other partner over you. You have to believe that you are loved for your own unique reasons and that you can all live happily together. But my mirror's been shattered. She picked someone else over me. How can I not look at a future metamore as a competitor?

Mandatory unrelated Firefly quote:

Sometimes a thing gets broke, can't be fixed.

AnnabelMore 02-14-2012 03:06 AM

Well, since she was already dating the other guy when you two got together, that's 4 good months you wouldn't have had with her if it weren't for poly. Just another way to think of it.

dragonflysky 02-14-2012 05:06 AM

BFT.....I can soooooo relate. The guy who introduced me to the concept of polyamory was with another partner at the time. I specifically asked him how one ever found adequate time to meet partners' needs since I found it challenging enough to have adequate me time, couple time, parent time, when I was in a monogamous marriage. He assured me it could be done. But....after several months of trying to manage the various needs/schedules he told me he was worn out....and chose her (the original partner)...excluding me unless I wanted to be a "casual, fun" secondary partner (which I had stated from the beginning I was NOT interested in being a secondary.) ((HUGS)).

Park 02-14-2012 06:06 AM


Did you choose to be in a Poly relationship or did it choose you? Who will choose your next relationship? Find strength in the fact that you took a risk most people wouldn't consider. That kind of courage (like a muscle) gets stronger the more you exercise it. Besides, only those who dare greatly ever achieve great things.

My wife and I had just ended things with our girlfriend. It was a tough decision, but it was best for everyone. There were some hurt feelings on all sides, but we all agree it probably saved our friendship. Sometimes good people just arenít good together. There is no doubt that we will all start over.

It's not that I don't think you're entitled to your pain. Love can feel bigger than the sky when things are good, and it can feel like the sky just fell on you when things fail. Your reservations about starting again suggest that you expect to be negatively influenced by this experience. That's not really fair to you or the next relationship, now is it? Try to remember that there are no "bad experiences"; just experiences. They are only "bad" if you didn't learn from them.

Now get up. Dust yourself off, and dare to love greatly.

ThatGirlInGray 02-14-2012 07:23 AM

I'm sorry you're hurting right now. It is one of the unfortunate facts that most relationships end. Poly can be both a blessing and a curse- it can give us more opportunities for relationships and connections, but then there are more endings as well. This time you got the short end of the stick, absolutely, but it seems like the issue was more her NOT being able to be poly than poly itself. People choose one person over another all the time in mono situations- usually a benefit of poly is not HAVING to choose.

As Kaylee says to Mal:

You just gotta have faith in people.

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