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-   -   How to proceed? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21318)

RedNeck 02-13-2012 11:04 PM

How to proceed?
 
So my boyfriend and I had a rough year last year. I really thought we were done, and I had decided that when I started dating again I was going to have more than one partner or at least try to.

As it turned out he wouldn't let me leave and so we talked a lot, and I ended up staying which is probably a good thing. When I brought up the idea of a poly relationship I could tell he didn't like the idea but he didn't get angry with me either.

So I keep on bringing up the subject with him, but in an effort not to be too pushy I try to only bring it up one day a week. It seems that the more he thinks about it the less defensive he is about it, and he has even told me that he thinks about other women so I'm wondering if he is starting to like the idea. To me it seems like he has never even considered this idea to be a possibility and needs a lot of time to think about that on his own.

So I'm thinking I will just continue to have our weekly conversations. I'd like to do more but I'm not sure what to do.

Anyway if you got any advice or just links to good articles for either him or me let me know.

Thanks

drtalon 02-13-2012 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedNeck (Post 124725)
he wouldn't let me leave

How did he do that?

Quote:

So I'm thinking I will just continue to have our weekly conversations. I'd like to do more but I'm not sure what to do.
You should have the kind of relationship(s) you want to have with the person(s) who want the same thing--or at least more similar things.

If you're having problems in a relationship, trying to date more people is not going to solve those problems.

RedNeck 02-14-2012 12:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drtalon (Post 124734)
How did he do that?

Just talked to me. Asked me to stay, it was unexpected.


Quote:

Originally Posted by drtalon (Post 124734)
You should have the kind of relationship(s) you want to have with the person(s) who want the same thing--or at least more similar things.

If you're having problems in a relationship, trying to date more people is not going to solve those problems.

I didn't think it would solve any problems, in fact I thought it would create more problems some I'm sure I haven't even considered yet. Which is kind of why I was wanting advice.

We have been talking about our problems and working things out over the past few months and it's made me realize I want to stay with him a lot. I also thought it would be better to tell him my thoughts on polyamory rather than keeping it all to myself.

AnnabelMore 02-14-2012 01:16 AM

Sounds to me like you're doing well. Firm -- not letting it go -- but loving -- not trying to push him too fast. I found www.morethantwo.com to be full of helpful essays when I was starting out. Good luck!

bassman 02-27-2012 09:02 AM

Hi Redneck
I think you are doing fine, too. If you keep asking in a gentle way, and keep talking about it, I think thats the best way forward. I'm sure its a shock or a surprise for him, as he may not ever have considered the idea, or even heard about it before.

So he needs time to process, analyse, and research. Time can only help.

Lemondrop 02-27-2012 04:37 PM

Franklin's pretty awesome. http://www.xeromag.com/franklin.html Now that I look at it, I think someone else recommended his More Than Two site.

I really enjoy reading Polyamorous Misanthrope columns. She's got some great common sense answers to polyamorous questions. http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/

There is a lot of information about polyamory in the news here http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/ and usually at least one reference to a book worth reading.

And of course the typical reading list has The Ethical Slut, and Opening Up. I confess that I lost my attention span before reading either, but I have read A Tribe of Hearts about Pagan polyamory, and I enjoyed it. If you wander over to Amazon and type in one of the titles I gave you, it will usually pop up other suggestions. Sadly, unless you live in a progressive town, I don't think your library is going to have any of them. Mine didn't.

Sex at Dawn isn't about polyamory so much as human sexual relationships but it sounds fascinating. That one might be in a library, and I would think it might shed some light on the monogamous vs. polyamorous relationship models.

Pretzels 02-28-2012 01:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemondrop (Post 126788)
Sex at Dawn isn't about polyamory so much as human sexual relationships but it sounds fascinating. That one might be in a library, and I would think it might shed some light on the monogamous vs. polyamorous relationship models.

It is interesting but most of it takes examples from the animal world and extrapolates them onto humans. If I never read about another bonobo monkey family structure, I think I'll be OK.

Towards the end, it pops over to some human-on-human interaction, but there are a lot of monkeys throughout.

Lemondrop 02-28-2012 03:06 AM

Pretzels, I think that may be the most entertainment I've had all day! Thank you! :D

I don't mind reading about Bonobos quite so much, but how frustrating that it seems to be billed as an exploration of the evolution of human relationships when it mostly isn't. I'm still interested in the book, though.

redpepper 02-28-2012 03:11 AM

@lemondrop- good to see you here! :) please add your links to the book and website sticky for all to see. Thanks, much appreciated. :)

Lemondrop 02-28-2012 04:05 AM

RP, 11 pages in the sticky! I skimmed them and added the info I didn't see.

For anyone who hasn't looked at the Books and Websites sticky, do! It had a lot of good reviews on books I had no idea existed. Great reading!


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