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-   -   I have been outed!! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2131)

amaranth 02-10-2010 03:30 PM

I have been outed!!
 
*this is pretty much copied from my livejournal.*

So I recieved this yesterday from my mother, on Facebook:

"Hi
Just had a really strange message from a complete stranger via facebook about you. It was a guy who called himself John Smith who knows if it was his real name. He said some crap about I should know that you are destroying your life and I should know that you are not "mono" and that you have been involved in a "poly" relationship for ages. I spammed it and did not reply. Do you know him and is he a crank or is it someone trying to tell me something I already know? A freak me thinks!
LOL
XXXXXXXXXXXX"


I am utterly confused.

Who the heck would want to do something like that? What would it achieve? I do have suspicions but I won't go into that here.

But more importantly I am panicking about what to do. I know that this means I will be completely outed to my parents soon... a good two or three years earlier than I had intended! My mum is clearly going into her denial thing that she does when she hears something she doesn't like (by convincing herself it's a prank.) This is never a good sign. I always intended to come out eventually.... but God, not yet!

So obviously I COULD deny it, say it's not true and leave it at that. But then - I can never really tell them. Because if I lie, and then come out later, it will be a lot worse then. So I feel I have been pushed into a corner where I have to make a decision - now, or never,

The answer, obviously, is looking like "now."

This has completely floored me. Totally, completely out of the blue and unexpected. Aside from feeling incredibly angry, hurt and betrayed, I am also having to weigh up a VERY tough decision about what to do now.

I've told her we'll talk about it when xmakina is present, neither confirming or denying the "accusations." That buys me a few days and means I don't have to do this thing alone.

Oh my gosh. I was not prepared for this.

J
xxx

Rarechild 02-10-2010 03:34 PM

It seems like your mom was saying she already knows that you're poly. Could this be the case?

NeonKaos 02-10-2010 03:58 PM

What Rarechild said.

Fidelia 02-10-2010 06:25 PM

First, amaranth, I want to say I'm sorry for the predicament you're in. It sucks to be outted when you're not ready. I have some dear friends facing a similar sort of situation, and I know how anxious they all are about it. So my heart goes out to you, for sure.

I agree w/ Rarechild and YGirl. Your mum may already know.

Beside that point, though, you've missed your opp to dismiss the issue casually. When she brought up the message from the mysterious stranger, you could have replied along the lines of "Wow. Sorry that happened to you, Mom. John Smith, eh? How original. All kinds of kooks and wierdos on Facebook these days."

But now you've given credibility to the incident by saying you want to talk about it when xmakina can be present. (Why would you even need to discuss it if it's just a kook's prank?)

Having shown yourself this far, consider the possibility of coming out to her. She's your mom. She loves you, and she may be more understanding than you think. Of course, that depends on how open and tolerant your mom is.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do.

NeonKaos 02-10-2010 06:33 PM

I bet the OP's mom has known since Day 2 and she's been humoring the OP and just waiting for him to "come out" so she can say "It's about time. I've known all along and I'm happy that you're happy. I just don't want to see you get hurt". That is the sort of thing my mother would have said.

xmakina 02-10-2010 06:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 22032)
I bet the OP's mom has known since Day 2 and she's been humoring the OP and just waiting for him to "come out" so she can say "It's about time. I've known all along and I'm happy that you're happy. I just don't want to see you get hurt". That is the sort of thing my mother would have said.

Amaranth is a girl :p

Sadly, I think her Mum was just thinking poly was a different way of saying bisexual, rather than knowing what Polyamory was.

CielDuMatin 02-10-2010 07:58 PM

Well, is the name "amaranth" readily attributable to her? If so, remember that this forum is publicly available and gets googled, so that anyone could search for that name and find posts on here about it.

It is for this reason that I use a different name here than most of my offline friends know.

And yes, it sucks.

NeonKaos 02-10-2010 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xmakina (Post 22034)
Amaranth is a girl :p

We have that mix-up around here now and then, as well as on lots of other internet forums. It's hard to keep track, that is why I chose to have the word "girl" in my username. :p I get mistaken online for a guy a lot too when I use my regular nickname, so I am guilty of the same sometimes.

Anyway, if mom is already aware of the gay/bi connection, she is probably ok with the poly-thing too. Parents can be surprisingly supportive and accepting once their kids work up the nerve to tell them things. Or in this case, someone else did, but I don't think that makes any difference in the grand scheme of things.

This is one reason I've always been "out" about whatever... as long as it isn't illegal. That way, enemies and strangers are in less of a position to "expose" things about me, and I can turn my attention and energy to more worthwhile endeavors.

I realize that I used the word "thing" a lot in this post.

GroundedSpirit 02-10-2010 09:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amaranth (Post 22024)
I am utterly confused.

Who the heck would want to do something like that? What would it achieve? I do have suspicions but I won't go into that here.

Wow Amaranth,

That really sucks - just sucks !
I'm sorry - but that kind of behavior is just immature, vicious and a complete violation & disrespect for privacy. Something you'd expect out of someone Jr High age :(

But ARE you really confused ?
Hard lesson learned here it seems. About people. About this whole thing around 'Social Networking' etc. Like Ciel alluded to - when you are online you have to be EXTREMELY care what you expose and to whom. And always assume it may be used against you. IS that sad ? You bet. But this seems to be the world we live in now.
Proceed with caution - and insight.

GS
PS: Like a few said - Mom may know more than you give her credit for. Guess you'll find out. But judging by her quoted reaction I wouldn't be expecting the worst. Mom's can be pretty kewl :) You'd absolutely die if SHE turned out to be poly too ! lol

redpepper 02-11-2010 03:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amaranth (Post 22024)
*this is pretty much copied from my livejournal.*

So I recieved this yesterday from my mother, on Facebook:

"Hi
Just had a really strange message from a complete stranger via facebook about you. It was a guy who called himself John Smith who knows if it was his real name. He said some crap about I should know that you are destroying your life and I should know that you are not "mono" and that you have been involved in a "poly" relationship for ages. I spammed it and did not reply. Do you know him and is he a crank or is it someone trying to tell me something I already know? A freak me thinks!
LOL
XXXXXXXXXXXX"


I am utterly confused.

Who the heck would want to do something like that? What would it achieve? I do have suspicions but I won't go into that here.

But more importantly I am panicking about what to do. I know that this means I will be completely outed to my parents soon... a good two or three years earlier than I had intended! My mum is clearly going into her denial thing that she does when she hears something she doesn't like (by convincing herself it's a prank.) This is never a good sign. I always intended to come out eventually.... but God, not yet!

So obviously I COULD deny it, say it's not true and leave it at that. But then - I can never really tell them. Because if I lie, and then come out later, it will be a lot worse then. So I feel I have been pushed into a corner where I have to make a decision - now, or never,

The answer, obviously, is looking like "now."

This has completely floored me. Totally, completely out of the blue and unexpected. Aside from feeling incredibly angry, hurt and betrayed, I am also having to weigh up a VERY tough decision about what to do now.

I've told her we'll talk about it when xmakina is present, neither confirming or denying the "accusations." That buys me a few days and means I don't have to do this thing alone.

Oh my gosh. I was not prepared for this.

J
xxx

Wow, that sucks. It seems someone thinks that they are either trying to help you or they have it our for you. Perhaps you should go with your hunch and ask the one you suspect if it was them... out of curiosity rather than anger that is. If you can get to the bottom of that first it might be easier to talk to your mum.

I don't have any good experience to tell you about my coming out. Coming out as a lesbian went better. My parents are still in denial since the fall. At least they leave us alone now though.

Really, the only thing I can suggest is that you tell her that it's true and that's it.

I don't know your mum so it's hard to say. Some parents do better being bombarded with books and information, some just want to discover for themselves or live in denial. Only you know what your mum might prefer. You could ask her if she wants some information I guess. There isn't always a good representation on line of what your idea of poly is. It might serve you and her better if you tell her what poly means to you and then let it go.


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