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-   -   In big trouble now... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21219)

yul 02-12-2012 12:49 AM

In big trouble now...help please
 
Big fight at home today trying to express my views on poly with my SO of 6 years. She is really freaked out and got very scary angry.
We've talked about it in the past but I wanted to be very clear this time since previously it was just beating around the bush.

We do threesomes once in a blue moon and I don't feel comfortable since she doesn't seem to like them.
I also feel threesomes limit my options since it always has to be someone we all like intimately.

We also have been in and out of the kink/fetish scene for some years now, only watching and also has some friends that like to talk about sex a lot.

I try to tell her I like to pursue consensual and respectful poly but she says she can't accept anything other than a threesome.

She also tells me I should be grateful about this and that she will let me flirt with her female friends and see their boobs occasionally.
It's really more frustrating than anything else but she says a lot of men don't even have that.

I feel frustrated. I feel somewhat I was lured by the kink scene and all the sex talk.

I tell her I love her and do not want to hide anything ever and that any partner would be mutual friends.

The conversation went beyond what I had hoped when I started saying that quite a few people around me commit adultery and I hope I wouldn't have to do that one day.( I apologized after since I would never hide anything from her).

Anyways, I have packed my stuff ready to leave the house since we may actually be breaking up now.

She got real mad and was screaming at me. She told me to go have someone suck my cock(which I don't even like...really).

bookbug 02-12-2012 01:26 AM

I am sorry your SO will not even tolerate a conversation on the subject. She obviously feels very threatened.

It sounds like you are faced with a choice of living life by her rules ~ or not. It's not a question of whether her reaction is reasonable or fair, it's a matter of this is the reality.

I myself am newly out of a triad with a couple in which the wife went from fully encouraging the idea to full blown jealousy in which her husband was given an ultimatum ~ her or me. You know how that went. It was very painful for all of us.

With your SO not even able to discuss the topic, I don't see this boding well if you continue to push it.

Moonglow 02-12-2012 01:59 PM

Wow, I think you have to decide on one hand you have a limited open relationship and may have been based on something other than poly at the time. On the other you have 6 years invested in the relationship. Are there other aspects of your relationship other than this topic that are breaking down?

Tough choices all the way around. I see you trying to be open and honest but I guess not everyone can accept this lifestyle. I have had a rocky road myself where I was put out the door before I could ever even have the talk with a 3rd party in the secondary relationship, so I know it is difficult to just be shut out and not heard. A few years later, I am ok because of it but I am a lot more cynical than I used to be.

Guess I am not helping but I can definitely empathize. Some people just won't hear beyond their little window of the world.

MG

SourGirl 02-12-2012 04:27 PM

I think she has been very clear, pointing out she already does compromise. In her mind, she has already met half-way. Doing threesomes, kink, or you taking in visual pleasures, is as far as she can go. She has drawn the proverbial line in the sand.

So if her compromise isn`t enough for you, then let her go.

WonderingAbout 02-12-2012 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bookbug (Post 124452)
i myself am newly out of a triad with a couple in which the wife went from fully encouraging the idea to full blown jealousy in which her husband was given an ultimatum ~ her or me. You know how that went. It was very painful for all of us.

*hugs on you*

WonderingAbout 02-12-2012 07:12 PM

So sorry you are having such a rough time but I don't like this "begrudgingly giving" sense I get from your SO. Sounds to me like there would have been problems in your relationship with or without this happening over Poly.

If she won't even discuss something that is obviously important to you then I don't think there was much of a future there to begin with...

Quote:

I feel frustrated. I feel somewhat I was lured by the kink scene and all the sex talk.
I think you were too my friend I have known several people that have fallen victim to that ploy and it always ends badly... *hugs*

feelyunicorn 02-12-2012 07:45 PM

By what you say, it sounds like she thinks she is the prize in the relationship for being a woman: "A lot of men don`t even have that." I would do like you did --- pack and go.

Best wishes.

SourGirl 02-12-2012 08:01 PM

Someone needs to really explain to me, why she`s a villain for not wanting the same things.
He could be seen as much of a douchebag for 'beating around the bush' all the time, and wasting her time waiting for her to 'change'.
Expecting, or planning for another party to change, tends to be relationship suicide, no matter the direction.


They don`t want the same things. So, move on to someone who does. No use trashing each other over it, or listening to outsiders do it for you.

AutumnalTone 02-12-2012 09:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yul (Post 124446)
She also tells me I should be grateful about this and that she will let me


This is the part that would have me headed for the door. She doesn't let you do anything--*you* choose how you will limit yourself for the benefit of your relationships. She can only choose what she does.

And if the threesomes have been truly consensual, you have no reason to be any more grateful about them than she would be.

It sounds to me that she feels quite entitled in an unhealthy fashion.

yul 02-12-2012 10:48 PM

uh anyways, it's been a long weekend. I have moved my stuff in the guests room and she is declaring me unsafe (STD).

She says we are still lovers yet we will not engage in sexual relationships with me at this point.

She has lost all desire for me and she wants me to pursue other women since this is what I want.

On her side, she will also go look for someone that will make her feel special.

She says we need to try this and see how things go before we can

For me part, I am pretty much done with her I guess. This went way too far with too much drama.

:(


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