this is (hopefully)how my poly life starts
I just wanted to share my experience with you.
If someone has a similar experience it would be great to hear about it, but even if not, it is still great to have found this space to share thoughts with people who will understand and sympathize (I have never met or talked to any poly before joining this forum).
Share my experience, I said? I meant my lack of experience... :)
I have met my girlfriend for 3 and a half years now. We love each other and the relationship has many good things (confidence, etc). Still, there is always something ´missing´.
After reflecting on it, I have found signs, almost evidence, that polyamory is what I need to find harmony in my affective and sexual life.
There is something in the background. Before starting this serious relationship with me, my girlfriend had a quite active sexual/affective life. So to say, she enjoyed her ´single life´ years propery.
I myself didn´t. I had only one previous relationship but it was very serious too and.. long story short, I have a lack of ´single life experiences´behind. A doctor I have met (for different reasons) said this lack of experiences probably accounts for my current ´unpreparedness´, my interest for other people, and my anxiety about committment in a more serious relationship with my girlfriend (moving together, getting married, etc.)
Apart, there is this girl, a common friend of us. She has been increasingly in my mind over the last weeks or months. The feeling is very similar to what I felt for my girlfriend when we started dating, 3 years and a half ago.
To make things worse (or better, who knows), my girlfriend accidentally came to know about this necessities of mine. She´s not angry, but has suggested me trying new things to "reactivate" the relationship/covering my lack of previous experiences with new activities and ´exercises´within the couple.
And then, not long ago, I was incidentally reading something about polyamory when the feeling popped up: what if what we are calling a "lack of single life experiences at the right time of my life" is simply a sign that I am a poly?
As a mental exercise, I imagined being in a poly relationship with my girlfriend and other people... and all the impressions were nice. Of course, I can´t be sure before I try but... that´s probably the problem.
My girlfriend is most probably (95%) a mono and will be shocked when I tell her about polyamory. She is very flexible in many things but... as you know, polyamory is still a taboo in society.
What I want to suggest my girlfriend is that we remain a couple, continue doing the same things, go to live together, eventually get married, etc. but both can meet other people not only with sex but only with the affective part and we can tell each other about our experiences any time.
There is a real risk that she dumps me when I tell her about this.
Anyway, since I find no alternative, I am now preparing to talk to her.
Maybe I should start by passing her some readings about polyamory (the concept of polyamory, overcoming jealousy, primary and secondary relationship degrees, etc). There may be some chance that she at least agrees to approach the matter with a flexible mind, since she has recently concerned (and reading books) about topics such as non possessive love, overcoming jealousy, preserving each one´s individuality within the relationship, etc.
I don´t really want to finish the relationship since we do have lots of things in common and love each other. But I probably should assume the possibility that she dumps me when I suggest her my meeting other people. I don´t want to cheat her or leaving my needs unattended.
If you have had a similar experience it would be great to know.
Thanks a lot for reading and
best regards!!! ;)
ps:i can´t help feeling envious after reading some posts on this forum! :) Sounds like many of you have already had very interesting poly experiences
It sounds like you can do one of two things; talk to her and prepare yourself for all the possibilities of what might happen, or suck it up and play mono. What would keep you healthy and happy in life? It its the latter then find all the reading material you can, find a local group, or start one. Invite her to explore poly together before getting into any relationship dynamic. Be educated and really ready, with a solid foundation, before going about finding and attempting another partnership along side of her. You've already started reading here. Maybe start with telling her about this site and then look at the tags in the search engine to see what she might find interesting to read.... good luck.
I told her yesterday (!!)
I tried to be sensitive and careful. As I guessed, she is not and "will never" be too much into polyamory... At least, she didn´t dump me (which was a real possibility), understands that I have desires, says she is thankful for having been frank... Her attitude towards me is serene and understanding, but she is kind of "it´s that polyamory modern thing or me" , "don´t harbor futile expectations about this"...
So it´s kind of a crossroad.
If things stay as they are now, I will probably try again later: I like your suggestions of participating in a group together,etc. I don´t really think she´s going to join a meetup, etc. but at least she is willing to read. I will let her see some stuff I had prepared (a collage with some ideas from this forum and other polyamory sources).
Thanks a lot for your reply!
lots of love and peace
I am glad things went well for you even if you didn't get the response you hoped for.
Wishing you luck and an experience as peaceful as possible.
Thanks for all your messages!
I will let you know what happens...
Love and harmony
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