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-   -   mono partner not ok with me being poly unless triad (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21159)

curiouslyundefined 02-10-2012 09:17 AM

mono partner not ok with me being poly unless triad
Look I love my partner of 6 years but I'm always crushing on other people. It's frustrating the hell out of me because he is not ok with me being poly unless it's an almost impossible triad situation with another woman
My issue is that I am pansexual and ill always be curious about relationships with other people I can't gaurentee I'll only ever love one other woman. He goes away for weeks at a time for work and I never cheat on him but I'm always frustrated that he doesn't seem to get my sexuality and or natural curiousity. Not that any of this matters anyway I'm prob just being a selfish cow lmao I just really wanted to vent!

Magdlyn 02-10-2012 11:51 AM

You're not a selfish cow.

Your partner needs to work on his jealousy issues. And if he wants sex with another woman, he should get his own damn woman and not assume he is welcome (by you OR her) to glom onto yours.

Pretzels 02-10-2012 07:42 PM

Sounds like he's looking for polyfidelity and you're not. That might be a good place to start some intense discussions.

AnnabelMore 02-10-2012 10:10 PM

So he's demanding that you join him in a unicorn hunt if you want to be poly. Bleh bleh bleh. There are a ton of writings out there about why this is not necessarily the best approach to poly, maybe you could find some and share them with him. Why does he insist it has to be that way? To prevent jealousy? It absolutely will not do that.

AnnabelMore 02-10-2012 10:19 PM

For the record I have nothing against polyfi or FMF triads. I just hate the insistence on a particular relationship structure when you haven't even met the person or persons you might be interested in yet. It just leads to so many painful and frankly silly situations. For instance, what if you guys do meet an awesome woman who likes you both a lot and you start dating but then in the bedroom she clicks with you but not with him and wants to date you but stay friends with him. Since it's not his magical-triad-of-sharing ideal does that mean you and she have to break up?

redpepper 02-11-2012 06:14 AM

You might want him to read here on "unicorns," "triads" and other tags of the like. It sounds like he doesn't quite get it.... time to educate?

MonoVCPHG 02-11-2012 06:20 AM

Sounds like he simply doesn't want a partner that shares themself wih someone else. He's given you the almost possible to achieve situation because he knows it's almost impossible...looks like a compromise but really he's probably just saying "No".

curiouslyundefined 02-11-2012 08:49 AM

I didn't realise this topic had been done to death having only just even realised that there is an alternative to the traditional mono relationships. Before I starred thinking about all of this I mainly just had a feeling of sadness that I could never share an intimate relationship with more than one person.
I do still feel guilty for feeling this way because he feels he's not enough for me which in some ways is true but in other ways isnt. But in my particular situation I'm pretty sure it would be the same with anybody. I seem to be the type of person who is happy being single forever and than falling in love with two or three people at the same time.
The way the society is built around the traditional model of straight mono couples is doing little to alleviate my feelings of guilt and selfishness.
I am trying to do my best being honest yet still patient and compassionate to my dp but these feelings seem to be growing as I get older and I'm worried there will be a time when I'm tired of feeling caged. Im not sure where to go from here. Thanks for reading :)

OnTheEventHorizon 02-11-2012 09:10 AM

This is not exactly my situation but my husband and I have some differences of opinion that we are working through, and I found the latest episode (16) of the podcast Pedestrian Polyamory to be helpful in tackling it from a new angle.

Basically, he's set a rule (must be a triad) because he sees it as a solution to a problem. But it's probably not the only solution, and he needs to figure out exactly what the problem is that he's trying to solve so you can think of other options.

redpepper 02-11-2012 06:10 PM

Keep reading here. There is much to learn and eventually there is hope that you will see that perhaps you are born this way and identify as poly (some take on a poly "lifestyle" or dating style). There is nothing to be guilty about or to feel selfish about. For some poly people that would seem like you should feel guilty for being born with black hair or being right handed. It is what it is. Once you have learned what poly is to you then hopefully you will be able to present yourself to the world with that incorporated into your character. Maybe you will be a full representation of yourself if you learn and educate yourself and others.

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