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-   -   Is polyamory what we're looking for? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2113)

BeautifulSilence 02-06-2010 08:22 AM

Is polyamory what we're looking for?
 
Here's a little background on my situation. My best friend of 8 years and I became romantically involved in our Senior year of high school. It was a very random thing, but it lasted steadily for a year. It was the first gay relationship for both of us, but we both knew we were not gay. We had been with boys prior, but we had a connection that became something really great.

So, after a year we decided that we wanted more. So, we split up, and started seeing other people. She has been in 3 short relationships since the split, and I have been in one. Everytime we are seeing someone else, we feel a void. We love each other very much, and we are still sexually involved, and have been the entire time (except while seeing other people).

My question is, is a polyamorous relationship something that we should consider? We both would consider ourselves bisexual. We like being with men, but we love each other very much. The idea of having one or two men in our relationship seems perfect, but I don't know if that's just a fantasy of sorts, or a reality. I'm not even sure what I'[m describing is polyamory lol, but my friend mentioned it, and I thought I would look into it.

If anyone can give me any insight, I would really appreciate it. Thanks in advance :D

CielDuMatin 02-06-2010 11:49 AM

Welcome!
 
If what your ideal is would be three of more people all together in a loving, open, honest relationship, then I think that would describe pretty much what most people see as polyamory.

But if I were you I really wouldn't get too hung up on labels - I don't really think it matters whether you are straight/gay/bi or poly/mono - the most important thing is that you (and she) work out what relationship configuration is your goal, and how it should work, then try it.

Labels are useful to describe, but can get in the way horribly - especially if you have to ask yourself "would a bi person do this?" or "would a poly person do this?"

There's some great reading on this forum and check out the excellent articles at http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

So welcome to the forum!

ImaginaryIllusion 02-06-2010 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeautifulSilence (Post 21813)
My question is, is a polyamorous relationship something that we should consider? We both would consider ourselves bisexual. We like being with men, but we love each other very much. The idea of having one or two men in our relationship seems perfect, but I don't know if that's just a fantasy of sorts, or a reality. I'm not even sure what I'[m describing is polyamory lol, but my friend mentioned it, and I thought I would look into it.

Regardless of what you want to call the relationship, the tools, communications, issues, and resolutions that you can learn around the poly community will certainly help you in your journey should you chose it.

It sounds like you have a great prospective partner in your friend, and that you already have the ethical grounding. If you fill a need with each other that's missing in other relationships, then why wouldn't you explore the option of keeping that relationship intact while pursueing other relationships with men? All that would really need to change, is letting the new guy/guys/girls know the situation somewhere ahead of time.

Go for it.

GroundedSpirit 02-06-2010 03:07 PM

Hi Beautiful,

Hey - now that's cool - to be able to say that without someone getting offended ! :)
Welcome to the board. Good people here it seems and loads of information & perspectives.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeautifulSilence (Post 21813)
.........So, after a year we decided that we wanted more. So, we split up, and started seeing other people. We love each other very much, and we are still sexually involved, and have been the entire time (except while seeing other people).

So...I'm just wondering. Why the "split up" when seeing others? Is it just because that's the way you understand relationships are 'supposed' to work ? What you were taught ? I think this will be an interesting first analysis :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeautifulSilence (Post 21813)
My question is, is a polyamorous relationship something that we should consider?

I echo Ciel's comment on that. Especially at first, I'd just avoid ANY labels whenever possible. The dynamics of love etc resist attempts to label them :) Whenever you try you end up creating more questions than finding answers, get all confused, and miss the entire point and the experience sometimes. Learn, live & trust your heart. In that order.

As you'll find from reading & studying, polyamory is really what the terms allude to - basically being in loving, open, honest relationships with multiple people. 'Love' is basically an undefined (undefinable) term but any attempt carries with it certain components like compassion, honesty, ethical behavior etc.

And in reality, you'll probably have no problem including men in your life. Let's face it - the possibilities you bring to the relationship are most men's biggest fantasy ! But that will introduce it's own complexities in time. Fantasy can often be very different than reality :)
I'd recommend trying to focus attention on the compatibility and potential for deeper relationships and try to de-emphasize the sexual piece. Potential men that will be a good long term fit are going to have to connect with the fact that being in such a relationship will have to involve a LOT more than endless 3-sums with two hot bi chicks LOL

Good luck - don't hurry.

GS

icanlovetwo 02-10-2010 06:14 AM

Your so lucky !
 
I think your both so lucky to have found one another - I'm sure many men would be happy to join you both if they were fortunate enough to be invited .
I would go slow as the previous post recommended not focusing on the sexual part of the relationship in the beginning - there are plenty of kind , good men out there if we give them a chance to find us .


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