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-   -   Lost and need help. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21096)

Red0824 02-08-2012 12:36 PM

Lost and need help.
I feel so conflicted and lost. My husband and I have been struggling with poly for 6 years. Or rather, I have been struggling and making him miserable in the process. I am mono, ive tried to deny that and say I'm poly because I thought it would make it easier to deal. But it doesn't work and here I am. sad and making things worse for him. He is in a new relationship, the girl is nice, we've met and hung out and I like her. But with every girl, I freak out on, I feel like if I don't insert some dominance that I have no control over the situation. I feel the need to say, he is mine don't try and take him for yourself. And of course, everytime I do that, each girl gets scared. When hubby and I are together we are happy, unless the new girl is brought up and always by me. We are expecting our first child any day now and throughout the pregnancy we have dealt with his new relationships rather rockily. I cant blame the hormones entirely, but the last 2 months have been the worst. Accepting that I am not poly, that he is and I am mono, how do we make this work? I know it can, ive read about it. How do mono people become happy in a poly realtionship? We've talked about splitting up, but neither of us want that. We love each other too much and still have so much to grow on, but I don't know how to get over the feelings I have about him being poly. I know this is who he is, but it hurts. And I cant stop projecting these hurt feelings onto him. At this point its either leave or deal. I'm choosing to accept him as he is and love him for it. Any thoughts on how to do this without making him feel shitty about all of this? Again, I know being poly and mono work for some people, I think it can work for us, I just don't know how to begin that process. :(

Pretzels 02-08-2012 12:50 PM

I'm pretty new to all this, so I may be completely off base here, but I think you should table any poly activity, especially at an already delicate time in your relationship (new, small, needy human being coming onto the scene), and focus on getting your relationship with your husband on stable ground.

Again, might be way off base, but it seems like he should have you as his primary concern at the moment.

nycindie 02-08-2012 02:08 PM

It isn't uncommon to take a break from poly relationships when a new baby is born. You two will be very busy and exhausted dealing with a newborn, so I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to shift his focus on your marriage and parenting for a while.

Magdlyn 02-08-2012 03:02 PM

Ach, 6 years is a long long long-ass time to not have come to terms with your husband's poly nature. I'm sure it hurts him that you constantly sabotage his relationships with your possessiveness.

You don't seem able to wrap your mind around the idea that him being with others does not take away from his relationship with you. Ideally, his others should add to, augment, the love and fun you have with him.

Unless the other girl is truly a cowgirl and really does want to steal him away... that happens. But if you meet her and see she is on board with sharing him, respecting you, it shouldn't be an issue.

The main stickler is how he handles his NRE with new people. If he neglects you during that phase, doesnt make you feel special, dates them but not you, takes too many phonecalls and texts during your couple time, then it's on you to speak up about this, and on him to be more loving and sensitive to your needs for romance and fun too!

All that being said, now you're about to give birth, and I agree with the previous posters. Is you h cognizant of how much work he will need to put into the baby/toddler? Many poly people take a break for a good 3 years or so from dating others after a new child comes along, unless there is a longterm established secondary who is really into helping with the baby/housework/cooking/shopping as well.

One of the cool things about newborns is the overwhelming NRE one gets for them. That NRE could supplant the NRE your h has for his gf for a while, I bet! ;)

Red0824 02-08-2012 04:14 PM

Yes, 6 years is a ridiculously long time to not have adjusted to poly. During that time I think I was in denial, hoping that it would go away. And ive hurt him so many times by sabatoging those few relationships with my possiveness. He is fed up with it,and is at the point of just doing what he is going to do with them and have me deal with what ever feelings I get from it on my own. It sounds harsh, but I don't really blame him. He does give me the love and attention I need when he is here. Except the constant texting, but with most of his time going to me, oh I forgot to mention, on top of the baby, he got a new job which takes up 50-60 hours of his time during the week. How else are they supposed to get to know each other? The last girl couldn't do this because she was concerned of the time he wouldn't have once baby is here. So that one wasn't me for once Lol. Thanly. This one, he is afraid of the same thing happening, so it feels like he is scrámbling to make time for her while he can. They went to the movies last night. And he is spending the first full night away tonight with her. She is 20, with not much money and no id to go out so he goes there to hang out and drink, he usually stays till he is sober anyway, but this time he wants to be there when she wakes up, and he wont make a time commitment to when he is coming home tomorrow. I flipped. was that an over reaction? And asking him to hold off on poly when baby is here wont fly. This isnt the first time ive gotten that advice ,but when i mention it he thinks he can juggle all of this as long as I stop freaking out at the smallest things. And start being his supportive partner. Do I just let him try it and see what happens? In the meantime, I'm 41 weeks, frustrated that this baby wont come out, and I'm projecting everything onto him. How do I stop this?

Red0824 02-08-2012 04:25 PM

I forgot to mention, as I was reading over the replies, this relationship is very new, they just made their dating official, and neither of us know what its like to raise a baby, we are 24 and 25, she is willing to handle the time commitment one has when a baby is here, their both on board, it seems like I'm the one making a big deal out of it. But the thought of raising a child is so over whelming, I'm afraid that the NRE that comes from a newborn wont show because he will be too worried about keeping her happy. The thing is, ive screwed him so much in the 6 years of poly. We both want to get past this, and I want to be happy with the way life is now.

Allstar 02-08-2012 05:33 PM

The best I can do is offer my mono opinion. I struggle with the idea of poly at first, and I still have some reserve for it. Really at this point the only thing I am worried about is time management which seems to be one of the issues that is weighing on your mind. Yes you are mono, 6 years hasn't changed you nothing probably will. Have you tried dating someone else? I feel I learn more about things when I do them myself. I will be taking my own advice on this when I get home from deployment. You might want to talk about some boundaries to be set. Ok we have a new baby lets take a few months and get into a pattern (as much as possible). How many nights a week/month does he want to take this other woman out? Is he on the other side of it doing the same for you. Soon yes you will need a babysitter. I feel as being the mono partner sometimes places the pressure on you to change/adapt/compromise. This isn't true. You have to meet on a middle ground somewhere. If he wants eight nights a month with her, tell him you can do four and see where it goes from there. If he is unwilling to try and give you four nights out without the baby maybe it is time to start thinking about saving yourself and leaving him. What I am saying is, he has to put the same, if not more, effort into your relationship as well. Otherwise it isn't fair.

SourGirl 02-08-2012 06:55 PM

I`m continually blown away, by the amount of people who want to start poly relationships, while a major life change is underway. Poly takes everything you have, and then some. Trying to give any poly relationship the chance it deserves while working 60 hour weeks, and having a new baby, just doesn`t make sense. Sounds more like escapism to me.

Whatever else you have going on, that has you freaking out,..I don`t think that is abnormal. In fact, most mono partners freak out. How you HANDLE the feelings is the important part.

So instead of chastising yourself, and making the same mistake over and over again, how about you allow yourself to the feelings, but learn to channel it in a respectful manner ? Learn to just say .." I am scared." and go from there.

So the advice is to stop hating yourself for feelings, but change your reaction. Don`t make 'split-up' decisions while you are under a stressful, new time in your relationship. (pregnancy and new family member coming to the world.) Also, he could pay attention to you and the baby, and leave his dating on a doorstep for awhile.

Good Luck.

ThatGirlInGray 02-08-2012 08:29 PM

I'm going to try make this reply less harsh, but I'm having a really difficult time so I'll apologize in advance.

I'm the poly person in my marriage; my husband is mono. We have two kids (5 years and 1 year), my husband has a 50-hour a week job and no other time commitments outside our house at the moment. I am unemployed and in an LDR that re-started last August.

If he won't listen to you, then your husband needs to talk to other poly parents: having a baby makes it nearly impossible to have ANY time available for other relationships. Having a kid is HARD. He needs to man up and commit to you and the child he helped create. Whatever he thinks he'll be able to handle or manage, he's wrong. He doesn't have a clue, and he can't really until it happens, but he needs to approach the birth of his child with an attitude of, "I'll do whatever it takes for my child and my partner, and THEN, if it's manageable, I'll look at other relationships." If you and he reach that point before your child is a year old, congratulations. I reached that point faster after my second child (9 months) but there's generally a LOT more to get accustomed to when it's your first time around.

You're 41 weeks pregnant, fer chrissake! EVERYTHING in his world right now should be about how you and the baby are doing and what he can do to make these last (interminable) weeks as comfortable as possible for you.

Sorry, I don't know him, and I don't know you, but I have a VERY short fuse when I perceive a situation where the man (or non-pregnant partner) isn't doing whatever he can to lessen the burden on his pregnant partner. They can't help with all the physical changes, pain, hormones, etc, so they better be doing anything they can in the other departments!!

Red0824 02-08-2012 09:07 PM

Wow, the advice and insight you all have given me is over whelming! And I have to say, I thought when I posted I would be getting slammed with things like, "you're in this relationship, do everything you can to make him feel good." And deal with the pain while he does his thing. All of the things I'm hearing from you all is what ive been thinking. And expressing for that matter, maybe not so rationally and eloquently, but they were expressed. Sourgirl, you're right about handeling my feelings differently. I'm a very stubborn person and I'm a knee jerk, emotional person, I tend to let my mind roam free, and my opinions with it. I need to learn to control my reactions and own to my feelings. Its harder to do when you have no practice :). And I will put my best foot forward to improving that part of myself. As for hubby, even if I were to ask him to take a break from poly, again, for a couple of months for baby and relationship adjustment, how is that supposed to work with his girlfriend? They've already started to become close, and I feel like it would be unfair to her to ask her to wait on the side lines while we figure things out. I think of how I would feel, and I don't think I would wait. Only because of the baby. The girlfriend told him last night, she could handle the time restraint it would have on them once the baby is born as long as I am cool with their relationship. Which I am to a certain point, but that's how it always goes. There is always a hump that I have trouble getting over with each girl. This one, I feel like I'm in the right, asking him to be home every night, at least until the baby is born. I tell him I feel vulnerable in this stage, if she comes tonight, I would have to wait till he answers and gets home, or drive myself there. However, this child is so cozy, the chance of that happening is like 50 50 Lol. But like I said, he is struggling to make both parties happy, this is the second girl we have been through during this pregnancy, the other made the choice herself. This one seems to think she can be ok as long as I am. So, does it still sound like I should ask him to hold off, or should I suck it up and trust him that he knows what he is doing? Thatgirlingray, how long did it take for your husband to be ok with you being poly? Is it still a struggle for him at times? Or have you two reached a wonderful medium?

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