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-   -   Not enough time? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20995)

sentinal 02-05-2012 04:08 PM

Not enough time?
 
Hi,

I'm in the process of getting divorced and I've got involved with a poly girl who I'm quite fond of. I think poly is great and has taught me great lessons in discarding jealous thoughts, through my relationship with her.

I don't have any other partners myself which I'm fine with. She had an existing partner when I entered the relationship with her and has become increasingly promiscuous, exploring various kink avenues with others which again, I'm pleased for her about.

She lives some 60 miles away, but I don't mind travelling. We saw each other a lot in the latter half of 2011, probably every other week at worst. We visited my mother and stayed over for a night during the Christmas period to help with my mothers recent hip replacement. I have seen her twice in the last month, both this week, once to hang out for the evening after work and once at a party, both of which I went home from. I offered to stay over but she said she had work to do but on the very evening I hung out with her she went and messed around with another guy she's been seeing and spending the entire following day with him.

What has become frustrating about this is that she continues to tell me that she is looking forward to spending a few days with me at my place, but doesn't seem to want to actually organise anything. I continue to be given the impression we are in some form of relationship, which she says she values, but it doesn't really feel like it any more.

I've mentioned this to her but I don't want to go as far as nudging her into coming to stay with me. I'll just feel like I'm being done a service out of pity, which I'd prefer to avoid. I'm hoping someone can give me some advice, I'm close to letting it slide.

Am I not right/ready for poly? Is this what poly is actually like for most people?

I must admit, it's become clear from writing this that we need to discuss our relationship since I don't seem to think I stand on the same ground as she has me.

redpepper 02-06-2012 05:23 AM

There is no one way to do poly. I certainly wouldn't treat you that way and I am as poly as they come. Its how she does things.

There is no reason why you should be not suitable for poly if its what works for you. Anyone who wants to be in a poly dynamic is appropriate for poly.

If poly works and you resonate with the theory of loving more than one with integrity, honest and open communication and considering partners when you think of where you are going in your life and with whom, then you are good to go in poly as far as I can see. If she is not fulfilling what you need in a partner, then maybe you need to get to the bottom of that.

It sounds rather odd that she would go to another man when you are in town and not be willing to plan dates when before she did. Is she starting a new relationship? Is she in NRE with them? Did you ever plan dates? Have you talked about what is going on between the two of you in terms of investment in one another? It sounds like you have a lot to talk about before jumping to conclusions. Have you asked her how she is doing in the relationship you have?

No assumptions and no expectations is a good motto for having poly relationships. If you don't know for sure, ask. If you expect something then let your partner know and find out. It has worked for me in getting to the bottom of things really fast. Maybe it will for you too.

sentinal 02-06-2012 03:44 PM

Firstly, thank you so much for taking the time to write to me :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 123667)
If she is not fulfilling what you need in a partner, then maybe you need to get to the bottom of that.

I think you're right. We need to have a conversation about what we want from the relationship from each other and whether we are capable or want to give them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 123667)
It sounds rather odd that she would go to another man when you are in town and not be willing to plan dates when before she did. Is she starting a new relationship? Is she in NRE with them? Did you ever plan dates? Have you talked about what is going on between the two of you in terms of investment in one another? It sounds like you have a lot to talk about before jumping to conclusions. Have you asked her how she is doing in the relationship you have?

She's had two new 'relationships' form in the past month, to the detriment of our relationship it seems. She is very much in NRE, one after the other.

We did plan dates, always :) I haven't talked about 'investment', I'm not sure what you mean by this. But if you're talking about energy put into the relationship, we do need to have a chat about things. If this is what she wants, that's fine by me, but it's not what I want, it's not what we had and I'm not really getting much from the way things are now. Things haven't really been all that great in our relationship lately, the connection we have is evident when we see each other but since she's been heavily distracted, it's been tough to keep it going via email/sms or w/e.

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 123667)
No assumptions and no expectations is a good motto for having poly relationships. If you don't know for sure, ask. If you expect something then let your partner know and find out. It has worked for me in getting to the bottom of things really fast. Maybe it will for you too.

I think we just need to have a GOOD (several hours) talk about our relationship, what we want from it etc.

Now I've arrived here, I'm not sure it was worthy of posting on Polyamory forum. I've had a pro-Monogamy person dropping lines like "that's how it is when you're Poly" and I think I begun to question it and sought advice here :) It's more of a general relationship problem, Polyamory is just a feature of it.

redpepper 02-07-2012 07:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sentinal (Post 123704)
She's had two new 'relationships' form in the past month, to the detriment of our relationship it seems. She is very much in NRE, one after the other.

I haven't talked about 'investment', I'm not sure what you mean by this. But if you're talking about energy put into the relationship, we do need to have a chat about things.

Now I've arrived here, I'm not sure it was worthy of posting on Polyamory forum. I've had a pro-Monogamy person dropping lines like "that's how it is when you're Poly" and I think I begun to question it and sought advice here :) It's more of a general relationship problem, Polyamory is just a feature of it.

She sounds like an NRE junky to me. Is this how she normally conducts her poly relationships, or any relationships. It seems she is going one after the other and using poly to just not have to deal with a break up. I dunno, hard to tell from what you've posted.

When I am talking about investment I am talking about how much do you love this women, thought about how she will be in your life in the future, how much do you have a need to work on this with her in order for you to have clear boundaries that address both of your needs.

What do you mean about your last comment. It sounds like a "type" of poly. It sounds like how some people date. It isn't all poly wrapped in a nice package. I suggest this "pro-monogamous" do some research before judging. I'm glad you did some before taking their word on it.

I don't see how what you are talking about isn't a poly issue. Sounds like it to me. Poly is about relationships after all and who better to go to than people who make relationships a huge part of their lives. What did you mean by that?

sentinal 02-07-2012 06:19 PM

I think this is really her first foray into Poly. She may well be doing that, I don't know.

The relationship was building up nicely, talking about visiting my parents and stuff but since New Year, I've hardly had anything to do with her since she's been busy with other stuff...

What I meant is that there has been some communication debt that we've incurred that I need to discuss with her to find out where our relationship is, which is a general relationship problem, rather than Poly specific. I guess actually in a way it is a perfectly Poly issue, in that she is not exclusively in a relationship with me.

Thanks again for your words, incredibly helpful. I'd been considering your first point and it's reassuring that someone feels similar.

redpepper 02-07-2012 10:01 PM

Well, good luck, it sounds like if she is new she might be in love with the very idea of poly itself. NRE for poly. Thing is that damage can occur in its wake. Damage can occur with any unchecked NRE really. One has to be very considerate, keep feelings and actions in check and go very slowly. We poly's don't get to let loose with NRE like single (no kids) mono's do. Too bad for us! LOL ;)

Yup, sounds like a good long honest and open discussion about what's going on is your best bet.


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