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-   -   How would you classify... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20962)

Hunter85 02-04-2012 06:31 AM

How would you classify...
 
...if you were in a casual relationship with someone and they didn't tell you that they were sleeping with other people that they were also in casual relationships with? These others knowing of your partners casual partners but you're the one left in the dark until later in the casual relationship.

Let me paint a better picture:
I was seeing this woman and we were getting rather serious (hanging out together, with her friends, talked about meeting her family, talked about dating seriously, and generally getting pretty close), then I bring up something I had heard about her having a boyfriend whom is in a marriage (and they are both poly) and at the same time I was unceremoniously informed that by her decree alone that we were just casual or "FWB".
Also found out at a later date there was another guy she'd been sleeping with.

So, even though there's no commitment in the sense of a full time relationship, does this seem dishonest or borderline cheaty or something?
Doesn't quite sit right with me =/

bella123456 02-05-2012 04:41 AM

Seems dishonest to me, I wouldn't feel comfortable keeping that knowledge to myself and I wouldn't feel comfortable if someone kept that sort of info from me.

ThatGirlInGray 02-05-2012 06:00 AM

Did this casual relationship involve sex? If so, I believe all pertinent cards (such as the existence of other partners) should be on the table before starting a sexual relationship. I know timing doesn't always work that way, but it sure seems like she withheld info from you on purpose until she got "found out" and that's absolutely deceitful.

Even if the relationship didn't involve sex yet, the fact that it doesn't sit well with you is really all you need. You desire a level of honesty that she didn't provide. It may not have been intentionally dishonest, but that doesn't mean you have to automatically accept it and behave as though you don't have problem with her choices.

Arrowbound 02-05-2012 09:09 AM

Now you know where you stand and how she views the relationship. If it doesn't sit right, it just doesn't. You don't have any obligations to go any deeper or further.

nycindie 02-05-2012 12:59 PM

It just sounds like dating to me.

Hunter85 02-05-2012 02:00 PM

Thanks all :)
Yeah it did involve sex. It's pretty much how it started. We got a bit serious within a couple of weeks and glossed over the idea of us dating seriously but she bailed on that decision and I didn't know until I found out she had been seeing other people before and during the time we met.
We never really did establish boundaries and such. I went through it, in the beginning, thinking she wasn't seeing anyone but myself. Needless to say things got messy.
I tried to talk about it, she agreed to to talk but said she was busy prepping to leave for her job overseas/final farewells etc but over that time of about 2 months there didn't seem to be 2 hours to spare.

Washing my hands of it all now :)

feelyunicorn 02-05-2012 03:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arrowbound (Post 123566)
Now you know where you stand and how she views the relationship. If it doesn't sit right, it just doesn't. You don't have any obligations to go any deeper or further.

This.

IMO, there can only be any cheating to speak of after the boundaries conversation and when those are broken w/o consent. Everything else just sounds like an undisclosed, one-sided expectation.

If someone wants exclusivity or expects me to be single during our first encounter, then I would assume the boundaries conversation should happen prior to sex. The responsibility for bringing it up laying upon the party who wished for exclusivity in the first place. Btw, I think boundaries conversations are a total turn on. :D

That being said, if you like someone, that can be a real bummer. The original post sounds more like a case of unrequited feelings than cheating. I am sorry that it happened. I would categorize what happened there as casual sex.

Hunter85 02-07-2012 04:42 PM

It sort of got to be a bit more than casual sex. If that's all it were from the go (which I was expecting it to be to begin with) then it would've been fine.
She introduced me to her closest friends, invited me to her parents (didn't go at the time, too inconveniently timed), made public posts about me, affectionate messages, cried on my shoulder etc which (call me crazy) seems unorthodox for something casual.
A part of me wanted all that and I sensed that she wanted it too so I didn't fight it. I had never been involved with someone on this level til then and had certainly not known about non-monogamous relationships so I was, by default, under the assumption that if she's seeing me then she's not seeing anyone else. Lesson learned.
When we hooked up I assumed she knew what she was doing so I didn't bother to ask "Are you seeing anyone?" because I would've expected a response like "Would I be hooking up with you if I were?"
But yeah, as I said, the boundaries talk never came up but I did mention I'd never been in a relationship before (not to say I hadnt had dealings with the opposite sex, just not on this level) and that I personally would have liked to have been in a serious, if brief, relationship with her.
I think at the point when I said either one of those would have been the time for her to bring it up. But I think she has a hard time communicating on these matters.

feelyunicorn 02-08-2012 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hunter85 (Post 123856)
It sort of got to be a bit more than casual sex. If that's all it were from the go (which I was expecting it to be to begin with) then it would've been fine.
She introduced me to her closest friends, invited me to her parents (didn't go at the time, too inconveniently timed), made public posts about me, affectionate messages, cried on my shoulder etc which (call me crazy) seems unorthodox for something casual.
A part of me wanted all that and I sensed that she wanted it too so I didn't fight it. I had never been involved with someone on this level til then and had certainly not known about non-monogamous relationships so I was, by default, under the assumption that if she's seeing me then she's not seeing anyone else. Lesson learned.
When we hooked up I assumed she knew what she was doing so I didn't bother to ask "Are you seeing anyone?" because I would've expected a response like "Would I be hooking up with you if I were?"
But yeah, as I said, the boundaries talk never came up but I did mention I'd never been in a relationship before (not to say I hadnt had dealings with the opposite sex, just not on this level) and that I personally would have liked to have been in a serious, if brief, relationship with her.
I think at the point when I said either one of those would have been the time for her to bring it up. But I think she has a hard time communicating on these matters.

Ok, from the above, it does sound like she lead you on.

Hunter85 02-08-2012 05:58 PM

Ah well, wouldn't be the first time.
Live and learn huh?


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