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-   -   Going Poly with ED problems? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2094)

Tseras 01-31-2010 04:45 PM

Going Poly with ED problems?
I'm 21 and following a serious illness in my past I have moderate ED. To elaborate: I can (more or less) have sex, but I do not always come and I need heavy stimulation for "it" to work. Sometimes it doesn't get up when it should and sometimes it stops working during intercourse. Oral doesn't do anything for me at all - I can feel the pleasure, but the stimulation is too light for me to get an erection. I'm still getting over the whole ordeal emotionally.

So far I still haven't discussed it with my partner even though we have regular sex (or as close to sex as I can get...) . I'm her first boyfriend so she doesn't have much to compare me with (and perhaps it's the reason why she did not make a huge deal out of it yet) though I'm pretty sure that she more-or-less realizes that something is off.

Anyway, we've decided to go poly recently and that opened up a whole huge can of insecurities within me. While I've always been poly and am very keen on it, I am very insecure about my ability to 'please' both women, so to speak. My gf has a very high sex drive (higher than mine really) and it's sometimes difficult to cope with it as it is. If I have two girlfriends I am afraid of what might happen if at somepoint "it" stops working at the wrong time or place. Of course I intend to speak about this with my girlfriend, I just need to work out the issue for myself first.

So, I'm wondering how big of an issue is my problem for my future relationships? Finding a woman to join our poly relationship seems like a challenging task as it is, what will her reaction be when she finds out about my ED? Is it feasible at all, or will they loose interest if my "ability" is not up to their standard?

This is my first time discussing this with anyone and I feel VERY insecure about the whole thing. So hope to hear some replies from you all!

Olivier 01-31-2010 09:23 PM

Having more than 1 girl might actually cure it already ;), but all jokes aside, what is important is that your partner(s) love you and care for you so that even if the issue arises, there will be understanding and support. Bringing it up for conversation with your current partner is something I would definitely start with.

quila 01-31-2010 09:51 PM

Not all women are obsessed with cock, big cocks, hard cocks, etc.

Learn to use your tongue effectively, buy some good vibrators, learn how to stimulate a g-spot with your fingers, look into tantra... there are a LOT of ways to please a woman that don't require an erect penis.

My husband can't always get erect, especially if he's tired or has something on his mind. That has never stopped us from having a very satisfying sex life. He can move energy in ways that make me shudder with pleasure, without even taking off our clothes. He can do things with his hands that wake up the neighbours. I used to have a boyfriend who didn't really like intercourse but was an absolute god with his tongue.

Bottom line is, your ability to please women isn't tied to your penis. You can learn a lot of techniques to get her off. As for your own satisfaction, you may want to experiment with something like prostate stimulation.

Blaidwynn 02-01-2010 09:07 AM

try not to worry
I am in complete agreement with Oliver and quila. If a woman is truly interested in you then sex, in general, is only a part of that package and if their interest is hinged entirely on sex then quite frankly you are better off without such a person in your life.

Since sex and ED is the issue of concern then it is important to develop your oral skills and use the rest of your body to show her your passion for her. Attention to detail is important - discover (or if you already know them, use) her erogenous zones. I have gotten girlfriends and my wife off before by proper breast stimulation and using her erogenous zones (above the waist line). Take your time and use all the other gifts you've been given to please her. Research tantric massage, erogenous zones, use toys on the occasions when your body wont perform and, most importantly, trust in your relationship and your love for each other.

Give yourself some credit too, it takes courage to address this situation within yourself and being willing to move into a poly relationship as well. There are alot of men out there who allow such an issue to wreck their life without seeking advise or solution. The fact is you aren't at fault for this and you shouldn't allow that illness, or its effects, to rule your life or dominate your self confidence. I agree that having a discussion with your girlfriend is the best first step.

GroundedSpirit 02-01-2010 02:49 PM

Hey Tseras,

Looks like you quickly got some solid feedback already. Don't be a victim of the pop, macho culture.
As Quilla said "Bottom line is, your ability to please women isn't tied to your penis." And as Blaidwynn pointed out - maybe it's a good incentive to learn and hone your other skills. Far too many guys go forth in life thinking that their tool is going to get them where they want to go. And end up wondering why their mates cheat on them or leave them.
And the advantages of a good relationship and poly is that you are talking, staying on the same page, and if the time comes that your GF(s) happen to be in the mood for a hard monster tool - well, those are a dime a dozen. You guys can find ways to fill that desire when the mood dictates. :)


LovingRadiance 02-01-2010 07:56 PM

My boyfriend has issues sometimes and even when he doesn't-we OFTEN don't have intercourse.
Let me repeat the important part,

If you get good with your body, your heart, learn how to express yourself in other ways-you will far exceed the expectations of most women and far exceed the abilities of many men.......

Lemondrop 02-02-2010 07:37 PM

Since no one else brought this up, I will.

You may also have issues with your female partners feeling inadequate because of your ED. They won't think less of you, they'll think less of themselves. Society has taught us that if we are alluring enough, if we are attractive enough, the reward is an erection...conversely, if our partner doesn't get an erection, we are not sexy/attractive/good enough/just don't do it for you. I've had my own fair share of these issues, and it's extremely difficult not to internalize it when a man can't get an erection, especially when you throw poly into the mix and suddenly you KNOW your partner is able to go elsewhere to get needs met if you can't do it for them. (My relationship began to have ED when we became poly...it added a whole new level to our growing pains.)

I think it's important that you have open communication and that you make sure that you feel comfortable showing her that you love her in other ways. Remember that you can have loving touch without sex, without it leading to sex, and without even putting sex on the table. Don't be afraid to use toys--they are NOT a replacement for you, they are enhancers. (My relationship had extra trouble because my husband saw toys as competition...like I would ***ever*** desire them more than him.) You should be having fun, bottom line.

That said, I don't think that ED--which is far more common than most people think!! so don't be down on yourself!! --would be any more of a detriment to a poly relationship than it would to a monogamous one. Sex is fun and a natural desire, but I really hope that it isn't the only thing in your relationship. I will admit to you that I am currently in a sexless poly relationship, and he fills different needs for me. He "satisfies" me by being who he is!

DrunkenPorcupine 02-02-2010 09:34 PM


Of course I intend to speak about this with my girlfriend, I just need to work out the issue for myself first.
This I think is the key.

I understand how that makes guys feel, stigmas and all. I don't think I'm technically classified as having ED and I sometimes get those insecurities. I think it's horribly underappreciated how men have body issues and communication both ways on the subject is vital to coping with them.

It's a kind of chicken-and-egg thing. It's difficult to share with someone when you're so insecure, yet it's one of the best ways to help move past those insecurities.

It would also be good for your partners to understand up front what you're dealing with. If they're not respectful of your feelings then it's a good sign something else is wrong. Likewise, it would be good to make clear that it's not your arousal level that is the problem but the physiology. That can probably go a long way to dealing with uncomfortable issues with her security.

Dealing with two women wouldn't be more difficult than dealing with one if you're honest, I think. Additionally, penile-vaginal is not the only way to offer sexual gratification and orgasms. Even more exciting for you is the possibility of exploration of what DOES stimulate you in ways you can get an maintain an erection that's satisfying for you. Bodies are unique things for their goods and their bads, and there's a lot of joy in exploring your lover's body. I don't think this needs to be a bad thing at all if you approach it honestly and maturely.

You seem to be on the right track. :) Best of luck to you.

Olivier 02-03-2010 11:20 PM

Also, someone I know fixed their ED by quitting a job which was deadening to them. I have no idea if you have situations in life that are not congruent with your true desires, but that might help ;)

Tseras 04-28-2010 09:45 AM

Thank you for the wonderful advice, everyone!

I'm happy to say that the relationship proceeded well despite the problem and we've worked so well around it that I hardly ever remember it being there (Which was good for my self esteem too, among other things).

If it's possible could I ask a moderator to delete this thread as I am still a bit embarassed about leaving something like that about myself lying around in case someone I know might stumble upon it later (lots of people I know recognize this nick name).

Thanks again for all your help! :)

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