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-   -   Help? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20917)

Mollyme 02-03-2012 02:13 AM

Help?
 
I have been poly for the past 8 years. I have dated guys and girls. I have had boyfriends and girlfriends who had other partners. However, with my current primary (we have been together nearly 5 years), I always react badly when he has another partner. This has never happened with other partners and I don't understand why things are different with him. Tonight, he called his girlfriend just to say hi. Like usual, I had a harsh physical reaction. I got hot flashes, felt shaky all over, my heart felt like it was pounding very hard, etc. Further, I lose all desire to be physical with him, even something as simple as having him hold my hand. I just don't want him to touch me at all. All of this wears off after a few hours to a day (the physical symptoms wear off first, then the emotional). This has happened with every girlfriend he has had. I have never had this problem with any other primary or secondary. I have even been in a poly relationship while I was mono and my primary was not and that was okay! I keep trying to tell myself that this reaction is just temporary, but it doesn't seem to go away. My only thought is that it is something about my primary which is triggering this as it happens regardless of who he is seeing and has not happened with any other of my partners past or present. He is extremely open and honest with me about anything I want to know. We have talked about this extensively and neither of us have any idea what causes this. Why is this happening and HOW do I make it STOP?!?!

SchrodingersCat 02-03-2012 03:35 AM

Is it possible that you see him as more of a life partner than you had seen previous partners? That could "up the ante" in terms of what you stand to "lose" if things go badly. That could, in turn, cause insecurities that you haven't felt before because you never had so much on the line.

I would try to avoid thinking that it's "him" because that can inhibit the process of dealing with these reactions, which are your reactions and not his.

There's also the possibility that your body is acutely aware of something that your mind is not seeing. Obviously I don't know him or the situation at all, I'm just saying it's possible that everything's not on the up-and-up, and that your body is trying to tell you something.

Personally, I've learned to trust my gut. There are times where things just don't "feel right" and I can't put my finger on it. I used to ignore those feelings because I couldn't rationalize them, and then in hindsight I would learn what I was reacting to. Now, when I have those feelings, I just get the hell outta Dodge and worry about "why" later.

ChloeJane 02-03-2012 04:58 AM

Aha Moment!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 123301)
Personally, I've learned to trust my gut. There are times where things just don't "feel right" and I can't put my finger on it. I used to ignore those feelings because I couldn't rationalize them, and then in hindsight I would learn what I was reacting to.

Wow Schrodingers. Your comment just made me realize something. All of this struggling against my feelings that I'm doing may in my own relationship (long story there) very well me be mowing over my own intuition. Despite all logic and attempts to sort it out, it's just THERE like an iceberg in my body. Something just no longer feels right.

It sounds like a tough place to be Mollyme, especially when you've had such positive experiences in the past. When I'm feeling like that I go for a sweaty run, do some yoga, have a hot bath, or drive around in my car and have a good yell/cry. I wish I could offer you more wisdom, but I find myself in a similar place these days. Hugs.

nancyfore 02-03-2012 07:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 123301)
Is it possible that you see him as more of a life partner than you had seen previous partners? That could "up the ante" in terms of what you stand to "lose" if things go badly. That could, in turn, cause insecurities that you haven't felt before because you never had so much on the line.

My initial thought was the same as SchrodingersCat's first paragraph. I have had a reaction like that once when I thought my boyfriend and I were going to end our relationship.

I worked thru it the one time it happened and have not had it happen with other relationships either.

Not sure how to help though... just thought it might help to know another has had that same reaction...

AnnabelMore 02-04-2012 12:37 AM

Hmm... well, can you list out for us the major ways, if any, in which this relationship is different from ones you've had in the past, you're a different person than you were in the past, and/or your life circumstances are different than they were in the past?

idealist 02-04-2012 04:58 AM

Welcome to the forum!
I would suggest to let the body speak to you and tell you what's going on. There are probably different ways to do that....maybe with a therapist, a coach, a massage therapist....etc. Maybe a few Voice Dialogue sessions could help get to the bottom of it. Your body is trying to tell you something, for sure!!

redpepper 02-05-2012 02:55 AM

I agree that maybe this man is someone that you connect with more than others in the past. Maybe your body is telling you that you have more to lose with him and that is a bigger threat.

I agree also in doing some body work along with therapy. At the very least do some journaling and letting the feelings wash over you, being conscious of what they bring up for you. Perhaps there is a hidden message here that has not been revealed yet that could be very helpful in the long run.


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