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-   -   Please help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20878)

ms74 02-02-2012 04:08 AM

Please help
I have posted a couple of times on here and have gotten good advice which has helped me. I was recently in a FFM poly relationship and I say was because my girlfriend broke up with me a week ago, now she is still with her boyfriend though. We just recently moved into our own apartment so nothing is being discussed as what to do.

She has said she needs time and space and has told me she hasn't told anyone we broke up(except for the boyfriend) and hasn't changed her relationship status on facebook. So I know there is a chance that we get back together which I want that tremendously.

Since we have broken up she has been spending more time with the boyfriend which is understandable. But she is having more sex than usual which bothers me. I have so many thoughts going thru my mind as to why didn't we have that much sex, what is making her have this much sex with him(she hasn't really liked sex all that much), and was I doing something wrong which is why we didn't have sex that much?

We still get along as long as I don't bring up me wanting her back and how upset I am. And I know I could ask her all these questions if we were together but since we aren't I don't feel like I have the right. And to top it off we only have 1 car which technically is mine and she borrows it to see her boyfriend. I want to say no but I don't want to piss her off. I am just at a loss and not sure if advice will help, some of this was to just vent.

Thank you

redpepper 02-02-2012 06:47 AM

Say no and move on. To me she is obviously done and using you for the car. She is stringing you along I think. Say your goodbyes and get on with your life. That would be what I do anyway.

Breathesgirl 02-02-2012 10:11 AM

I agree with Red Pepper. Tell her no. Two little letters, so hard to say.

Oh yeah, take her keys to the car, his too if he has any, as well and make sure to lock it.

km34 02-02-2012 05:39 PM

I agree to a certain extent. Take the car keys. Depending on the living situation (is your name on the lease, is her name on the lease, or are both names on the lease), set a timetable for the two of you to either move into your own places again OR work out the relationship - since you say this is what you really want.

On that note, is the relationship really worth saving? Is she even willing to work on it? If not, there is no saving it. You HAVE to talk about it for the two of you to have any relationship (even friendship) at this point, because if you don't you're always going to be pining for her and she is always going that you're there just in case she winds up alone at any point.

ms74 02-03-2012 02:56 AM

I appreciate the comments I have gotten. I honestly don't think she is stringing me along for the car, because she can get one anytime.

As for the lease it is in both of our names and we just moved in like 3 wks ago so we can't go anywhere for awhile. But yes I do want this to work with her, she is the best thing in my life.

I know I can be naive at times especially when it comes to love but she has always been honest with me about everything even if it hurts, that's why I don't think she is stringing me along. But then again maybe I just don't want to listen to advice unless the advice is saying what I want to hear.

SchrodingersCat 02-03-2012 03:20 AM

My experience is that people always break up for a reason, and those reasons don't go away just from spending some time on yourself or making some adjustments to your living arrangements.

May I ask what reason she gave for breaking up with you? "I need space" is right up there with "It's not you, it's me." It's also code for "I just don't love you any more, so get out of my space."

I'm wondering if she's really poly or does she just use that for an excuse to be "serial monogamist with sufficient overlap to ensure she's never alone"? That would also explain why she is having more sex now with her new boyfriend...

As for the apartment and the car, I would tell her you want them both. After all, she left you, so she should actually *leave* ... you can get a roommate. Otherwise, it's possible to ask the landlord if you can transfer the lease into her name alone because you were in a romantic relationship that is no longer in existence.


Originally Posted by ms74 (Post 123187)
We still get along as long as I don't bring up me wanting her back and how upset I am.

This is tell-tale. If she were any kind of friend, she would be willing to listen to you talk about your feelings and about being upset, and she would support you through that. If she were any kind of decent partner, same story. The fact that she isn't willing to support you in any way is basically showing you that she doesn't care about your feelings.

ms74 02-04-2012 07:52 AM

She broke up with me after a disagreement we had regarding her medical disorders and she felt I was saying I didn't believe in them and didn't understand her. She says I hurt her just about as bad as her ex hurt her(which was horrible) So it wasn't anything like I need space or its me not you.

When we got together we were friends so we said if anything was to happen we would try to remain best friends. I did end up finally talking to her about my feelings and she said I can talk to her anytime about my feelings, it's my own issues about not talking to her about my feelings(fear of fighting or her leaving me) again these are my fears she hasn't given me any reason to believe I couldn't talk to her about anything.

I know it may seem like I am making excuses for everything and I may be but I want to believe deep down she wants to be with me. And it is so hard to show a accurate portrayal of somebody on here, so she isn't as bad as it may seem on here. She has always been honest with me, brutally honest at times, so I feel confident she isn't stringing me along and I can trust her.

Thanks again to everyone and I am sorry if I am being difficult.

redpepper 02-05-2012 03:22 AM

I don't think I see her as bad, just that she is doing her thing and that you don't seem to be fitting that now. I don't think its an issue that you are being difficult either. This is a place to be difficult because we don't know you and you don't know us. As long as no one is calling another names then we will be brutally honest with you in terms of what we see and you get to take it or leave it. Its your choice. There is no emotion attached to anything anyone says here, just advice, questions, suggestions, clarification and relaying stories that relate.

The thing with saying "let's always be friends" is that often one person falls out of love and the other is still in it. The imbalance doesn't warrant friendship until both are not in love. Having her at your home and still loving her while she doesn't is not going to help you keep this friendship I don't think. I would be considering the options of changing your living situation. She is likely triggered by you as you did/said something that reminded her of an ex and you are starving for her love and attention. Not a good combo. If you want to create a good combo I would do your best to remove yourself from her space as much as possible. Like move out.

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