Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Female confused... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20861)

gemms 02-01-2012 10:11 PM

Female confused...
 
OK. Where to start? My ex-husband and I dabbled in the swinging lifestyle for a few years. It started out as a sexual thing but then we met a couple that we seemed to have clicked with and realized that the relationship with that couple meant more than just sex to us. We realized at that moment swingers didn't describe us. As this couple to couple relationship progressed it was apparent that myself and the other husband had clicked in a way no one expected. There was love there from both sides. Unfortunately, my ex-husband became very jealous and the friendship with this couple was dismantled. After a year and a half we divorced and I wrote to the couple we were friends with to find out that they left the swinging lifestyle and entered an "open marriage". The wife was dating regularly but the husband had opted not to participate. The husband and I then started going out on dates and rekindled immediately all the feelings we had for each other. I have since moved in with them both. We have a pretty good arrangement but I find myself becoming envious of the primary relationship. This relationship is not doing well at all. The wife treats the husband poorly and doesn't let me and him have any "alone" time unless she has someone she is going out with. She does allow me to share the bed with them when I want which is nice but in the end the husband and I are becoming frustrated. The first question I have is what kind of relationship would this be categorized as? Would it be a V? And also is my feelings geared from greed or love? I do love him as I have no other and the feeling is mutual. Where does crossing the line to cheating come in? I don't want to do anything to jeopardize being able to see him all the time alone or not. Any advice?

bookbug 02-01-2012 11:29 PM

Do the two of them get alone time?

gemms 02-02-2012 12:18 AM

They can have alone time but she doesn't want that with her hubby. She is completely lost in finding a long term boyfriend. She doesn't spend any time with the family and has made comments that we can't have alone time if she doesn't have anyone to do that with.

nycindie 02-02-2012 12:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gemms (Post 123159)
They can have alone time but she doesn't want that with her hubby. She is completely lost in finding a long term boyfriend. She doesn't spend any time with the family and has made comments that we can't have alone time if she doesn't have anyone to do that with.

Well, that's just idiotic. What were the boundaries you asked for when it was time to negotiate the terms of your relationship? It ain't all about her and him, you know!

gemms 02-02-2012 01:02 AM

We kinda went into this not knowing what we were. She calls me his gf and her best friend but she definitely tries to control my relationship with her husband. It's always about her and therefore mine and his frustrations. He is very non confertational and i am about to blow...I don't want to because I love him so dearly I couldn't stand losing him over this. I just want him to be treated right with the respect he deserves. Oh my ... I'm sounding crazy aren't I?

nycindie 02-02-2012 01:49 AM

She sounds like she is approaching poly with a swingerish mindset around marking her territory, so to speak. I think it is just time you all sit down and renegotiate boundaries. Search the forum here for "boundaries" and "boundary negotiation," stuff like that, and see how others do it. Remember that you are all three individuals in relationships with each other, NOT an add-on to a couple - so don't think that it's only their rules that count.

Pretzels 02-02-2012 02:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gemms (Post 123166)
We kinda went into this not knowing what we were. She calls me his gf and her best friend but she definitely tries to control my relationship with her husband. It's always about her and therefore mine and his frustrations. He is very non confertational and i am about to blow...I don't want to because I love him so dearly I couldn't stand losing him over this. I just want him to be treated right with tje respect be deserves. Oh my ... I'm sounding crazy aren't I?

You're not crazy. You're in love with someone, you're seeing him treated like a houseplant and you don't see a way to fix the situation.

I dated a guy who was married to a woman who sounds a lot like your boyfriend's wife. If the woman in your scenario is really as self-centered as she sounds, you've got a very tough road ahead. I'm sorry. Try to get it so the three of you can sit down and have a very open, non-confrontational discussion using a lot of "I" statements - "I feel (whatever) when you decide when and how my boyfriend and I can interact."

Good luck. You're going to need it.

redpepper 02-02-2012 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gemms (Post 123145)
I have since moved in with them both.

How long from dating to moving in was it? Generally it is not advised to move in with anyone until the NRE is over. That is usually a year to 18 months long. No one thinks straight until its good and over and life is a steady flow of day to day life. Also it gives time for metamours to get to know each other. In my opinion its metamours that make of break a relationship... if you can get on with her okay, then you are likely going to survive this with him. If not then your days are numbered... or hers are.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gemms (Post 123145)
We have a pretty good arrangement but I find myself becoming envious of the primary relationship.

There should be no primary relationship if you live with them I don't think. This is not swinging any more, this is partnership. You have equal rights in this situation. You all do. If you don't have that I suggest you move out and allow them to work on their relationship without you around. You are likely a stick in their wheel. Personally I would move out anyway... this is not going to end well from what I can see. She is a loose cannon waiting to blow and you are directly in the line of fire.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gemms (Post 123145)
This relationship is not doing well at all. The wife treats the husband poorly and doesn't let me and him have any "alone" time unless she has someone she is going out with.

I would guess it is doing worse now that you live there. She is obviously not happy, feels threatened by you and is jealous... this is why the control freak stuff. You aren't going to change this I don't think. She has to and that is unlikely going to happen with you living there. Again... move out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gemms (Post 123145)
She does allow me to share the bed with them when I want which is nice but in the end the husband and I are becoming frustrated.

What are you sharing a bed for!? You aren't dating her! Where do you usually sleep? You have a bedroom or something no? Why can't you go in there with him? I don't get this at all. What is in this for you? Why are you living there? It makes no sense to me. This situation sounds like living hell. Why would you want to live somewhere where that is not treated like your home too, complete with your own partner also.... ?

Quote:

Originally Posted by gemms (Post 123145)
The first question I have is what kind of relationship would this be categorized as? Would it be a V? And also is my feelings geared from greed or love? I do love him as I have no other and the feeling is mutual. Where does crossing the line to cheating come in? I don't want to do anything to jeopardize being able to see him all the time alone or not. Any advice?

Sorry, but that is your first question? That is what your concern is? What you are categorized as? I think you have bigger fish to fry my friend... seriously. Who cares what configuration you are... you have a hell of a situation there to worry about first. She is not your partner, so its a "vee." Although by the sounds of it its more like a dictatorship and there is no relationship going on except what she controls.

I would suggest looking towards the search engine and find the threads with the tags, "lessons," "foundations," "communication," "moving in," and anything else that looks interesting. All of you need some educating and while you do that, I think you should move out. Oh, I said that already :p

Vinccenzo 02-02-2012 02:50 PM

You say he isn't treated well by her. You also question where the line to cross over to cheating might be.
I have seen relationships where I perceived mistreatment but it was by my standards and not theirs. The relationship was fine by their standards.

So does he put in the work (and do you see this for yourself) to communicate his wants in regard to his marriage, the poor treatment you see him getting, or how he wants his relationship with you to become to his wife?
Or do you two just nibshit about stuff with each other when she isn't around?

One set of circumstance shows he too wants AND IS SEEKING a change in his relationships with you both and the treatment he receives. The other shows the make up of an affair. Such as how someone could claim their marriage is awful due to XYZ to their non spousal partner while having no intention for the marriage to change because they don't really feel about it the way they portrayed it to their other partner.
Ask yourself if you want their relationship to get better and thrive or if you want her (the perceived obstacle) to be gone thus ending your frustrations?

nycindie 02-02-2012 10:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 123202)
She is a loose cannon waiting to blow and you are directly in the line of fire.

Well put!


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:09 AM.