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-   -   Simply: Girlfriend cheated with BFF, wants V to have us both... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20822)

ablexi 01-31-2012 06:53 PM

Simply: Girlfriend cheated with BFF, wants V to have us both...
 
Is allowing a poly- permissive cheating in such a case? I feel as if it is rewarding her betrayal of my trust in our monogamous relationship.

I'm long distance, havn't met her yet, but we've been together 4 months. He's her BFF, dated once in the past, felt it awkward like "brother & sister" and now they slept together and she's uncertain as to our future, but would like me to share her with her BFF.

I'm unsure what to do, because how am I to trust her in the future. I know Poly's(Since I've been reading a lot) are involving trust like any other relationship, and betraying that trust is just as bad as is in a mono-.

Edit: The options seem to be break up with her, or allow her to continue the relationship.

ThatGirlInGray 01-31-2012 11:43 PM

To me, poly isn't the issue here. Do you want to give her another chance? She could earn back your trust, or she could hurt you again (by cheating again or by something completely unrelated). No one can decide for you if she and the relationship are worth taking the risk.

Poly becomes a secondary consideration. IF you want to give her another chance, are you willing to try the relationship structure she wants? If it's not something you're comfortable with, that's valid. If you're willing to give it a try and see what happens, being aware there may be even more emotional pain down the road, that's cool too. Try not to think about it as "punishing" or "rewarding" her- At this point it's not even about her, it's about you.

Just like a mono relationship, you've got to decide what you want out of the relationship, what effort you're willing to give and what your boundaries are. Poly just has this tendency of bringing those things out in the open, since the mono assumptions that a lot of people rely on go right out the window. It's possibly more complex and more challenging, just because you're dealing with multiple people's needs, but at its core poly is the same as mono- it's about your relationships with people and how you manage them. The rest is just trappings.

ETA: I do think she needs to work on regaining your trust before she tries to manage two relationships. Right now it doesn't sound like either relationship is particularly stable and that's just going to make things harder on everyone.

MichelleZed 02-01-2012 12:44 AM

Relationships shouldn't work with "rewards" and "punishments". It's more about: can you make it work? So here are some questions to help you figure that out.

--Will you be able to be okay with the fact that she slept with her friend? Moving forward, do you think you'll hold it against her, or do you think you're be able to let it go, knowing that long distance relationships are hard and she made a mistake and it's not that big a deal?
--Would you be okay with an arrangement where she explores the possibility of a relationship with you at the same time she's seeing this other fellow? Is that something you feel you could do?
--Are you two going to be able to meet soon?
--Looking into future possibilities, is there a time in the future where you'd be able to live in the same city and be together?

MeeraReed 02-01-2012 03:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ablexi (Post 123003)

I'm long distance, havn't met her yet, but we've been together 4 months.

What? Are you kidding me? You've NEVER MET YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

ThatGirlInGray 02-01-2012 06:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MeeraReed (Post 123048)
What? Are you kidding me? You've NEVER MET YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

Unusual, maybe, but not unheard of, especially with long distance/online relationships. TGIB and I used boyfriend/girlfriend for over 3 months before we were able to meet in person. We've still only seen each other twice (for about a week each time) ever, and we first started dating in December of 2009.

nycindie 02-01-2012 06:55 AM

Ablexi, this is a case where I really wouldn't feel like I had a relationship if I were you - you've never even met! You say you've been "together" for four months, but - no, in actuality, you haven't been together. You've only been communicating long-distance, and she's found someone local. It's not a matter of trust, it's a matter of getting to know someone, and four months is a tiny blip of time. It's nothing, you're just starting out. So, let it be casual for a while until you really know for sure, and then decide if you want exclusivity or not. And meet her as soon as you can, for goodness sakes!

I couldn't consider someone a boyfriend without ever having met him and interacted with him in person, over time. Up until a face-to-face, everything about the "relationship" is just a maybe. Perhaps she feels the same way.


The only kinds of LDRs I can do would be if we could meet in person at least once a month, or every other month at the most. Less than that and it wouldn't feel like a relationship to me (of course, it's understandable if there are moves, deployments, etc., after a relationship has already been established in person). I need quality face time for it to be considered serious. Being apart for long periods isn't so farfetched if you're poly, but some people live with that and that's the only relationship they have!

bella123456 02-01-2012 10:21 AM

I fell in love 5 days after talking with someone on the internet. I've never put my toes anywhere near Internet dating. We were introduced via a mutual friend to facilitate a discussion about music. At no stage before we met would I have used the term "boyfriend", but my friends used that word. I used the word "lover" as it was clear love was in abundance. Guess it took 2.5 months for us to meet face to face.... We are the extremes of LDR. Takes 24 hours and thousands of dollars for either of us to go from one hemisphere to the other.

And yet we do. Often. For months on end.

So....
I knew this at 5 days. They have had 4 months. Feelings can be real and valid in a LDR with little or no face to face. It's not wise to be so dismissive of possibilities...


That aspect in itself is not enough to throw the baby out with the bath water..

AutumnalTone 02-01-2012 02:58 PM

Dude, you've only been in contact with her for four months and have yet to meet her? There's not enough there to claim a relationship.

And if she's hooked up with a friend she claimed she wasn't able to date in the past and now wants to date him at the same time?

The red flags are out and snapping in the breeze. I'd walk on.

DredlockScarlet 02-01-2012 03:46 PM

Bonjour
 
To say that it's not possible to have a relationship over the Internet or that there is no relationship here...four months and not meeting....This is not the issue.

The issue is that after 4 months of this relationship...online, LDR...whatever it may be, two people are sharing their feelings with each other and their trust their love and commitment.

She has cheated on you. Are you willing to forgive her?...

If she wanted to be poly she should of spoken to you before any of this happened. It's difficult with LDR and online...You need Alot of trust! Can you re-build it after she has cheated on you? and are you ok with this sharing idea?

If you dont agree to be poly...will she be with this male without you knowing?...Even if she says she is not with him anymore...will you believe her?

There are many things i think you need ot ask yourself and think about. You need to talk to her for sure!

If someone i trusted cheated on me....I'd walk, there is no excuse that makes something like this ok.
If you're poly you tell your partners you talk before you take action!....sometimes it takes hours...days...weeks...Years! But if you love someone and care for them you're willing to take the time.

To stay in this relationship...you're not only saying "What you did is fine hunny, You can have free range of people you like....sleep with whom ever" You're also rewarding what she did!

Arrowbound 02-01-2012 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bella123456 (Post 123098)
I fell in love 5 days after talking with someone on the internet. I've never put my toes anywhere near Internet dating. We were introduced via a mutual friend to facilitate a discussion about music. At no stage before we met would I have used the term "boyfriend", but my friends used that word. I used the word "lover" as it was clear love was in abundance. Guess it took 2.5 months for us to meet face to face.... We are the extremes of LDR. Takes 24 hours and thousands of dollars for either of us to go from one hemisphere to the other.

And yet we do. Often. For months on end.

So....
I knew this at 5 days. They have had 4 months. Feelings can be real and valid in a LDR with little or no face to face. It's not wise to be so dismissive of possibilities...


That aspect in itself is not enough to throw the baby out with the bath water..

Similar situation here. It took me maybe, two weeks. We met in person just over a month after initial contact. I didn't call him my boyfriend either.

My thing with this is, poly could not even come up as a possibility at that stage, a point where we hadn't even established much with one another beforehand.


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