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-   -   I'm tired of eating my orgasms (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20731)

PolyInFL 01-30-2012 04:25 AM

I'm tired of eating my orgasms
 
I have an eating disorder - I am an emotional eater. One of the ways my disorder manifests itself is that when I am sexually frustrated, I turn to food. There are all kinds of things wrong with that. Of course it does not make a lot of sense to eat when sex would be more fun, right? Well, I don't expect those who do not suffer from an eating disorder to understand. And frankly this post is not about explaining it.

This is really more of a rant I guess. I like sex. I miss sex. I have a husband who would happily have sex with me any time I want. That is not the problem. I have always been aggressive sexually. But I have grown tired of ALWAYS being the aggressor. Sometimes I want to be with someone who is as forceful as I am. After many years of struggle, DH and I realized he will never be that way. Also that I will never be the kind of women who goes for the sweet and tender lovemaking that he sometimes enjoys. If I had to categorize (which I hate to do) I would say DH is vanilla and I am the flavor sampler. Oh geez, here I go with the food metaphors. :p

But seriously, one of the reasons DH and I realized that poly is a lifestyle we are open to is that we accept the fact that we are very different sexually. What really frosts my cookies (hey, if I'm going to give in to it, I'll go all the way) is that we did not explore this idea until my eating disorder had driven me to replace sex with food A LOT. Now it is a habit I want to break and it is very difficult.

Right now I am torqued off that it happened last night. We had dinner with our neighbors - had a great time. I had some rum and Coke and was feeling flirty. Got myself a little (lot) worked up imagining getting grabby with the neighbor, whom I have a serious lust for. Unlike DH, he has a personality that suggests he would not be a passive partner in the bedroom. Long story short, when we came home DH went to bed (in my defense, he threw out his back yesterday so I could not have jumped him anyway) and I sat up making love to the pantry. Darn it!

A few hot and sweaty moments with the neighbor and I could have worked off some calories instead of ingesting them. (Did I mention he looks like Al Pacino?) Unfortunately, DH and I do not think he and his wife are poly. And even if they are, that does not mean he would like me to "say hello to his little friend."

So, where does that leave me? Still eating my orgasms. And before anyone suggests it, a close encounter with an adult toy would NOT solve anything. It does not satisfy what I am craving, which is the seduction and responses of another person.

So, that is my rant. Sorry it does not have a happy ending.

idealist 01-30-2012 04:41 AM

I know this is a Poly site and I consider myself to be poly, but sometimes a good sexual encounter is just what the doctor ordered. Richard and I occassionally go to the local Swinger club. The last time we went, we met a couple there. There was a good bit of mutual attraction all the way around. They let us know that they are fairly aggressive sexual partners. We stayed in touch with them and decided to invite them over last night. It was hot hot hot!!
Also- It is very easy to find single males who are willing to step in and give you exactly what you need. Because there is such a large supply of these willing men, and there is a lot of competition, you can have your choice. There are lots of these guys with tons of certifications from the women and the husbands saying that they are gentlemen and very respectful etc......
Just a thought.....I'm all about getting my needs met.....and sometimes that involves finding someone who can meet them!! Good luck!!

SourGirl 01-30-2012 05:24 PM

I agree with Idealist. :)

There is a certain method to the madness though. Really teasing someone up to the event, is what gets that sex good and rough. Otherwise it just feels scripted.

dingedheart 01-30-2012 09:16 PM

Got say thats a very catchy title.. got me to look. My first thought was whats it taste like...don't say chicken either.:)

But it doesn't sound like the orgasm is actually the thing tied to the eating but rather the seduction and the hunger for lusty human contact...maybe more animal like contact...primal. You said sex toys and orgasms do nothing to gratify the urge.

What do you eat during these.... events. Do you know you're doing it while it's happening or only later...after the fact. How long have you been doing this?

Does the eating make this urge go away? Or just make you tired? ...less interested.

PolyInFL 01-31-2012 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 122888)

What do you eat during these.... events. Do you know you're doing it while it's happening or only later...after the fact. How long have you been doing this?

Does the eating make this urge go away? Or just make you tired? ...less interested.

My eating disorder manifested itself the same year I became sexually active. Of course, I did not realize it was an eating disorder then. I knew what anorexia and bulimia are, but did not know those are just a few kinds of the ED that happen. Only a few years ago did I actually recognize it for what it is and only recently have I faced the fact that my sexual frustration is directly related to my binges.

So, to answer your questions: What I eat varies, but usually something "decadent" and rich tasting. I have been doing this since I was 16 but it is most troublesome when I do not have a fulfilling sex life. Eating does not get rid of my sexual needs, it only dulls them. Kind of like eating a cracker when you are starving. It may take the edge off the hunger, but it doesn't actually satisfy.

Now that I have identified the problem, I am much more aware of what is going on when it happens. The other night, I knew what I really wanted was sex, but that was not available to me so I ate instead.

It isn't that orgasms and toys are worthless in this situation, but just like the food - they only take the edge off. As someone else said, it is lusty human contact I crave. Neither a sex toy nor a brownie can give me that.

As a slight aside, I talked to my DH about it last night. He knows I am missing sex. Since he is battling depression (mostly job related) he has not been in the mood for a very long time. He says it has nothing to do with me, he just isn't interested in sex at all. Well, whatever the cause, the result is the same. I am left feeling frustrated and unwanted. So yeah, this pretty much sucks.

feelme 02-01-2012 02:48 AM

I can't tell you what to do, I can only talk about myself here.

I think that monogamy is an unnatural idea that causes me to split mind from body. My body wants one thing and my mind has been trained to shut that down because it isn't right. That basic self-deceit will cause me to do a lot of self-destructive behavior, over-eating being one of them.

The answer for me was to remove the idea of monogamy all together. When I did that, my reasons for having sex with a woman or relating to people in general changed immensely.

One of the big changes has been an awareness of my own body. I pay attention to the underlying emotional dialogue between myself and another person by 'listening' with my body instead of just listening with my ears. This has everything to do with having open, honest, and loving relationships which are a prerequisite to fulfilling sex.

PolyInFL 02-05-2012 05:27 AM

So I fess up to my DH "Honey, I miss sex" and the product of that conversation is basically that because he is working so much, fighting depression and stressed out all the time, he really isn't ever in the mood. I am to understand (says he) that it has nothing to do with me and not that he does not find me attractive anymore, he just is not interested in sex.

While I am sure he would be willing to let me use his body for the greater good, I am really not excited about the idea of just having a body. I realized that I want a PARTICIPANT.

So, here I am craving a lusty encounter and frustrated beyond belief. DH says he does not have the energy to put into any new relationships, but he seems okay with me finding a "boyfriend." I am suspicious. If I do find someone to spend time with, including a physical relationship, I am worried that DH will start to resent.

Mentally chasing my tail - that is what this feels like.

Arrowbound 02-05-2012 09:12 AM

The good thing is, he's open to you finding another partner. There's some guilt to work through though, from what you've posted.

I hope you can sort it out and get what you need.

PurpleBee 02-05-2012 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyInFL (Post 123542)
because he is working so much, fighting depression and stressed out all the time, he really isn't ever in the mood. I am to understand (says he) that it has nothing to do with me and not that he does not find me attractive anymore, he just is not interested in sex.

All the understanding in the world doesn't stop the feeling of rejection and frustration. What he's going through isn't uncommon in men; although the perception is usually that men want sex all the time, and if they don't then something must be wrong! But we are all human and affected by the world around us.

He's giving you the opportunity to help yourself. I imagine that he'll be feeling bad that he can't give you what you needs sexually and emotionally so this is a way that he can give to you. I would keep the situation monitored, if you meet someone, keep the communication flowing. Y'know what? He might even feel the pressure lift from himself and his sex drive might start to re-awaken.

neegoola 02-05-2012 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PurpleBee (Post 123571)
Y'know what? He might even feel the pressure lift from himself and his sex drive might start to re-awaken.

actually i thought the same thing.
only: if you want, don't let him feel closed out as soon as/if DH starts showing to be interested in the new "story".
(if he'll totally close, well, then you'll see.)


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