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-   -   swimming/drowning in triad land (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20724)

goldenlady 01-30-2012 12:45 AM

swimming/drowning in triad land
hi there: totally new to poly-world until about 4-5 weeks ago, and since then, my life has been nothing short of a roller-coaster (with thrills, agony, and everything in between.)

My soul-mate husband of 12 years (I'll call him G) "came out of the closet" as being poly (had never acted upon it....it's just his nature), and I found out that him and his good girlfriend (I'll call her Z) were in love with one another: on one hand, my ego totally crushed, and on the other hand I felt this shift inside myself: if he is poly, that means it's also safer to open my heart to others as well (something I secretly feared)...I'm not really interested in other men (because my man is absolutely amazing and perfect for me), but the thought of perhaps having a sensual/sexual relationship with a woman was an idea that was sparked (and was shared with my partner)...

Fast Forward through some CRAZY INTENSE personal processes: after having a nervous breakdown in front of both G & Z while getting in tune with a deep rooted fear of being abandoned (which is not the case: G is totally committed to me for life, and Z totally wants no stress for me...she's a really lovely soul)...after this vulnerable breakdown, my heart told me to pose a desire to Z (G had already known that I had this): that I would also like to be intimate with her as well...the vision of the golden triangle. She was open to it (both her and I have never even kissed a woman before)....I put myself on the line, and was pleased with this potential...

And there is real "golden triangle" potential here: we're all quite compatible spiritually, emotionally, intellectually & even sexually...

I do feel though insecure though that she is more into G than myself...and as I've read all over these forums, this is normal....no 2 relationships are the same, blah blah blah....but it could be that I am totally emotionally drained from these SUPER intense last 5 weeks, but I just feel so damn insecure, and am wondering what sort of nightmare situation I am now in...my insecurity with my own self is at an all time low right now, so I know that I am seeing this through very negative vision...

I am sharing this because of this downward spiral inside myself....I never thought that this whole situation would bring out the absolute best in me, and the absolute worst in me (jealousy, depression, lack of self confidence).....not quite sure even why I am sharing this...just feeling sort of alone....

I'm trying to wake up and smell the coffee of my current reality ( a reality that could be quite amazing really)...also still letting go of how my life used to be (really stable in a mono relationship)....I really REALLY need to take good care of myself, because in my current state of being, I am WAY vulnerable....

Thanks for reading...any advise is warmly welcomed!!!!!!!!!

redpepper 01-30-2012 07:03 AM

Well, sounds like poly. Nothing like up-turning ones entire way of thinking to making vulnerability and insecurity be at an all time high at the same time as feeling more on top of ones game than ever before. :) Keep breathing my dear and don't leave any stone unturned.

It is likely that this woman will be a very nice metamour one day, as it sounds like she is curious more than anything and loves you to a certain extent. Just roll with it and let it all filter down where it may. When things have settled, and they do settle, you will likely have a more clear path of where you want to go with your relationship life. For now though it seems to be all about trying it all out. Enjoy :) Things become all too normal again soon enough.... albeit a different normal.

NovemberRain 01-30-2012 07:11 AM


Originally Posted by goldenlady (Post 122702)
.....not quite sure even why I am sharing this...just feeling sort of alone....

This is a terrific forum to not be alone. Welcome.


Originally Posted by goldenlady (Post 122702)
I really REALLY need to take good care of myself!

That is the best advice anyone could give you really. Make sure you're eating well and hydrating and sleeping and breathing. Maybe give yourself a break to do something totally not about the relationship(s) or processing. Like a movie? with someone with whom you don't have to discuss the whole thing.

ChloeJane 01-30-2012 08:19 PM

You are NOT alone.
Welcome Goldenlady. Sorry to hear that you are struggling; it can be a REALLY intense experience to open up your relationship. It puts a magnifying glass on any cracks in your own self, as well as in your relationship, and it can be pretty overwhelming emotionally at times.

I too have had "nervous breakdowns" around my past fears and upsets that have come to the surface by being "triggered" by polyamory. It takes a huge personal commitment to sort through this baggage and it can feel almost impossible when you're up against the wall of some pretty scary and uncomfortable emotions. You Are Not Alone!!!!! HUGS!!

I think it's awesome that you already know the importance of taking really good care of yourself - nothing can help you weather any storm in life like eating well, drinking lots of water, getting exercise, seeing friends, and engaging in regular routines and activities that have made you happy long term in your life. You CANNOT change the way that you feel, but you CAN change the way that you ACT and the way that you THINK - this will change the way that you feel over time, I guarantee it.

Although this may feel urgent because it's uncomfortable, it's not. You don't have to do anything right now. Is it important to deal with? Yes. But take the urgency out of the equation - you're under enough pressure to deal with what's happening for you already just because it IS so hard to feel these feelings. Be with your feelings. Unpack them. Question them to deah to try to get to the roots of them (there is rarely one). Journal. Meditate. Go for a long, sweaty run or walk depending of your cardio health to clear your mind. Hot baths. Massage. Take time to be with yourself, and give yourself a break from the processing.

Our girlfriend is much more into my husband than I. This has been pretty challenging for me at times, but I also know that it is "the norm" and do my best to share him and the joy and beauty of our relationship without feeling threatened. I don't always win on that front, but all that does is show me that I a) have more work to do on myself b) need more time with my husband. I am really lucky in that my husband and I have an astounding ability to do tough emotional work - I am unlucky in that our girlfriend is not as willing, or comfortable doing that work, so a lot of it becomes my/my husband's responsibility to sort out.

Give yourself space to feel what you need to feel, and work towards not judging yourself for those feelings. They are what they are - indications of areas inside of yourself that need your love, focus and attention to heal. Feel free to SLOW THINGS DOWN and take space with your husband if you need to - there is no rush for things to move forward at a million miles an hour, and a lot of "comfort" in polyamory has to do with pacing that works for everyone.

Post. Post the crap out of your feelings. There are others who feel the same way who will benefit from reading your experience, and tons of people who have been through at least a portion of what you're experiencing.


goldenlady 01-31-2012 12:19 AM

thank you all so deeply for your encouraging mirrors...All 3 of us have been talking SOOOOOOOO much (especially my husband and i), and because I am the one who is going through the biggest challenges, I feel sometimes pressured to get my shit together, and get it together fast, so that we all can continue on some sort of blissful path together....I'm finally realizing that these types of relationships take lots of WORK, together, but most definitely inside yourself...

And I've been clearing and doing soul-work like a freaking olympic champion (if I don't say so myself)....I'm realizing things are going quite quickly: in a blissful moment last week, my husband invited Z along for our trip to visit his mother in Holland (we all live in Germany)...at the time I thought it would be challenging, but fun, but since my bout with depression the past few days, her joining us has been cancelled...it's all too much too soon...I really have to talk with my husband in the morning about this (he's sleeping now)....anyhow, this is just one example of how intense it all has been rolling the past few weeks...less than 6 weeks ago I was in a happy mono marriage, now I am visualizing our girlfriend meeting my mother in law? stop this train, I need to get OFF!

Also coming more and more in peace with the fact that Z is less madly in love with me than my husband, but that there IS a lot of love and respect and nurturing care...between all of us...

Thanks SO so much for these reminders to take things SLOW...I feel like I've been running a marathon, and I need space to recoup and let the dust settle...I do healing work, and I've already made the boundary to not doing anything for a good month: it's totally time to heal myself, to receive, and to re-generate my self-love from a very stable place....I'm anything but stable right now. The past few days I had this pounding headache (i never get headaches) and was so scared that I was becoming depressed (I've never really had true depression before, but it just felt like I was getting covered in it)...my headache has simmered down considerably, and I'm so grateful for that....pheeeeeeew, taking care of myself is a NECESSITY.

I can feel the potential for greatness with all of this, but it's all about staying in the moment for now, staying close to myself, and loving and accepting what is, and not what I want things to be....deep soul-work is this, deeper than anything I've ever experienced.

thanks to all of your support. It is really appreciated....!

ChloeJane 01-31-2012 01:58 AM

Body Symptoms of Grief
Good to hear from you again Goldenlady. You and I, going for the gold in self-inventory together, sister! I've been doing so much self inventory over the past few weeks that I'm a little out of breath too:rolleyes:

NRE is perhaps the most potent drug of all - all opiates simulate the feeling one gets from being in a really satisfying and wonderful relationship - and any drug is not without its side effects!! We can make irrational decisions when we're under the influence that are not good for us. Your headache is a great indication that there is too much happening too fast for you, and it makes sense that you're battling with feelings of depression given how much pressure you're putting on yourself to get all of your shit together for the sake of everyone else!

I think that being the one who is experiencing the most challenges is the toughest place to be. I have been there, still am there. My husband and GF just want to enjoy the moment, have fun, have great sex; it's me who has a ton of baggage, so you have my total empathy and a big hug from my end. Not being part of that NRE can be really stressful. To add to that, we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect - to not have emotions that have a "negative" effect on anyone else. But guess what? Our comfort matters. Our process matters. Perhaps we're more in touch with ourselves, more sensitive, more willing and able to self examine and grow; whatever the reason that we have the issues that we have, we have a right to go through that experience at our own pace, and it matters that our partners respect that process. We're not talking years into a relationship, we're talking weeks/months - these things take time to unpack and sort out. Those of us who struggle have just as much of a right to our experience of the relationship as anyone else.

It's GREAT that you have cancelled that trip. It's GREAT that you're taking some time. When you stop having headaches you'll know you're going at a pace that is comfortable for you.

I'm not joking about the cardio. It has been a GODSEND to me during tougher times - I strap on the headphones, zone out on a TV show on my laptop, and just run and run and run. I feel LOADS better afterwards. Yoga, also amazing.

That's my two cents. Again, hugs.

goldenlady 02-01-2012 07:21 PM

Thanks ChloeJane!
Big thanks to you Chloe Jane, for your supportive thoughts and advise....taking it all to heart big time. I have been very hard on myself for not being completely being at peace, and that has got to stop...time for softening on all levels, otherwise, life is no fun at all.

The past 2 days I've slept and cried and got in tune with a big layer of pain that I didn't know what there: a feeling of unworthiness...pheeeeeeeew...I'm getting some great support from my loved ones, taking homeopathy and got some energetic healings from 2 friends...things seem to be shifting with me today, and for that I am so grateful....I'm jumping up and down yet, but my depression seems to be easing down a bit (I've never had hardcore depression before, but this seems like the closest to it, the past few days)...I've decided to also not go on the trip to Holland this weekend, and take some time to be in my own energy completely...this is also good for my partner, since he is also exhausted from all the heavy duty emotions...

It feels good to also just let the whole "triad" thing go for now for me: there were some really lovely moments in which I got to glimpse a new reality for myself (a reality filled with a lot of joy and even more expanded love), but it's essential that I really fill up my own cup with as much love as possible, because without that, any relationship is destined for doom, or at least lots of problems...both my partner and Z are really loving and caring souls, and are really supportive right now...time for patience and taking really good care of myself, and ultimately lots and lots of self-love (even if I have no clue how to feel that sometimes, love that anyway)...

Once again, major gratitude for the support here.

And thanks for the cardio tip: I plan on doing shitloads of yoga and dancing the coming days ;)

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