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-   -   New And Confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2070)

Niesha25 01-30-2010 08:32 PM

New And Confused
 

Hello..... so here it goes. I really don't know where to start. But I met something who told me about this site. I've only been talking to him for about 2 days I would say. We did email each other before but we just really got into talking about our personal life. So he has just let me into his life style. He was scared that I would run away,but long story short. He gave me some history about it. I'm interested but still scared. I don't feel like I'm a jealous person but I still like to know that the person I'm with in for me. I am attracted to him and he's really intelligent. Which is very rare with most guys my age. Well anyways for starters I would just like to know, how would I go by doing this? I don't want to run away because I believe he's a good person and I don't want to miss out on that. But how do I deal with the poly part?:confused:

redsirenn 01-30-2010 08:51 PM

I'd say do some reading first.... and talk with him. There is both good and bad information available on the internet. this place is a good start. I am sure others will give you links to sites as well.

However, my first thought is this: I assume you two are just starting with the dating thing, right? If so, there really isn't any reason to get all worked up yet b/c you probably barely know each other. There is no way to know what will happen, etc.

Also - is he currently single as well, or does he already have a SO?

Niesha25 01-30-2010 09:09 PM

Your Right
 
Yes, he is single and we are both just getting back into the dating scene. And I appreciate and understand what you mean about not getting worked up about it. That's why I don't want to brush him off. And I will do that take it slow and steady.

redsirenn 01-30-2010 09:18 PM

great.

I am in the process of changing my relationship's dynamics. Step by step is how we have been going about it. Some will tell you it's best to start off open, and stay that way. Others will say to work on developing your relationship first and then opening it up.

Neither are better or worse than each other. Just different. I'd say navigate slowly, like you plan, and see what might work for you - if this relationship (the one between just the two of you) is something that works too.

good luck!

CielDuMatin 01-30-2010 09:32 PM

Niesha,

Read as much as you can handle to get some things sorted out in your mind.

First, think about whether you would want to have more than one loving relationship at a time in your life. Think about how you would feel about him having more than one person that he loves and spends time with.

There are many, many ways of "doing poly". Some are very healthy, others less-so. You will see many many examples of both of them on forums like this one.

A site that contains some very useful articles about poly is Franklin's site at http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html - I can heartily recommend it.

And as redsirenn suggests, get to know him better as well - this is really early on in your relationship, so go slowly - all the moreso because this is new for you. Talk to him about his polyness - has he had multi-love relationships before... what sort of configuration were they... how did his two (or more) partners get along with each other.

Try to get a feel from him how his poly works and do the mental exercise of putting yourself in the shoes of one of his loves and see how it fits.

All this is a part of getting to know any poly person in a dating context, whether it's your first time or your tenth, believe me.

I wish you luck on your journey :)

Sandy 01-31-2010 03:18 AM

You're very brave!
 
First off, I applaud you for not running for it right away. I have experienced that from the other side and it sucks. It takes courage to come out as a poly. It is also brave for you to try to make it work.

I admit, it is emotionally scary. Keep an open line of communication. When I have crazy jealous thoughts, I will flat out ask my boyfriend if that's a realistic point of view "...is that what you're thinking?" (usually it's not even close).

One book that really helped me to understand the "why's" of polyamory was Sperm Wars. It's more of a biological explanation. A book called The Ethical Slut helped with the social aspects and also describes different types of open relationships.

Books aside, this is how I see it. In monogamous relationships, it seems one partner usually cheats or wants to cheat. Even though you love somebody you may have crushes/sexual feelings for someone else; that's perfectly normal. An open relationship is a respectful way for everyone to get their needs met. It's a way to explore those feelings (sometimes within parameters) in a way that is not meant to hurt others.

And it's not like it's a sexual free-for-all (although some poly couples are okay with that). Every couple is completely unique. Everybody has their own guidelines/rules to go by. I really recommend that if your friend is willing, you discuss what their rules are and let them know your boundaries as well. Knowing what is and isn't going to happen between partners is a nice way of ensuring that everyone feels safe, secure, and well taken care of.

After reading the Ethical Slut, my boyfriend and I drew up and discussed our own safety rules. For example, one of his rules for me that makes him feel more secure is that I am not allowed to hold hands with the guys I sleep with. That is reserved for us alone. Which by the way is another thing that may make you feel less jealous. Maybe you can have some special act or even affectionate nickname that only you two share.

Also, for dedicated couples, it is really reassuring to have a ritual. When I come home from another guy's house, I make sure to make time for my honey. I hug him and kiss him and let him know I love him. I spend special time with him so he knows he's still important to me.

I think it's important in an open relationship to lay out expectations of each party involved. Really know what motivates each other. Many people think being poly means treating everyone like a meat puppet but to me, a functional poly relationship means juggling everyone's expectations and emotions.

I hope this helps and if you have anything to ask, please do. Keep us updated! We can all learn from each other's experiences.

Good Luck,
Sandy

Kraven 01-31-2010 06:50 PM

The mystery man
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 21381)
After reading the Ethical Slut, my boyfriend and I drew up and discussed our own safety rules. For example, one of his rules for me that makes him feel more secure is that I am not allowed to hold hands with the guys I sleep with. That is reserved for us alone. Which by the way is another thing that may make you feel less jealous. Maybe you can have some special act or even affectionate nickname that only you two share.

Sandy makes a very valid point in which I completely agree with...that something special that only you two share can make a large impact in the war against jealousy! I too have read "the ethical slut" which if I may say so myself was a moving read and gave me the foundation needed to understanding "my poly"

My bounderies, rules and regulations are ever changing but not without purpose...yours should be too! You want to try things...then and only then can you truely know what works for you! The key here in my opinion is fluidness, communication, experimentation and honesty (no one ever gained anything worth while through lies)

Changing your internal programming can be hard, I know! Monogamy is what we know, it's what's familiar to us...sometimes when we're scared we just go back to what we know, that warm and all-too-popular "box" but if you're a forward thinking person like my intuition tells me you are then you can understand that regression serves no purpose and evolution only brings out the best in us! The fact that you've taken a second look at the lifestyle rather than fleeing tells me that something within is telling you to move forward, a little voice in your head must be whispering that maybe just maybe there's something here worth investigating...follow that voice because it just might lead you to a beautiful, worth wild, loving, long term relationship!

Ps. When in doubt just remember...nothing in life worth having ever came easy ;)

Niesha25 01-31-2010 10:38 PM

Sandy
 
I came in lastnight from my date with him and read your response. You really hit the nail on the head for me. We sat down lastnight and we talked alot about polyamory, one of my big concern was affection with someone else. He did break it down for me and was very understanding why I was concern. Also when I read your message it made me feel so much better. When you said we can have something reserved for only us to do. Those simple words gave me more comfort than I can explain :D. So thank you and I will keep you posted.

Also reading "the ethical slut" is certainly on my to do list.

Niesha25 02-01-2010 12:24 AM

What exactly do you mean by your quote....(My bounderies, rules and regulations are ever changing but not without purpose...yours should be too!)

The part about your regulations are ever changing.....I know you talking about its going to be a compromise with the bounderies and rules. But ever changing it just sound like a battle... Maybe I'm focusing on those words too much.

So if you can elaborate on that please?

Kraven 02-01-2010 01:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Niesha25 (Post 21429)
What exactly do you mean by your quote....(My bounderies, rules and regulations are ever changing but not without purpose...yours should be too!)

Somethings have a tendency to grow on us and some experiences have a chance to enlighten us...remember what I said about never say never and never say no? Keeping that train of thought will cause your bounderies, rules and regulations to be ever changing and the purpose will always be in the pursuit of evolution!

If we say no or never, I feel, we could possibably be missing out on life's little lessons and adventurous! When persented with the option to try something I constaintly wonder...what's the worst that could happen! What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger! Of course always take inventory of your morals and ethics, don't forget to apply them...some things just aren't worth the reprecutions they come with but that should be common knowledge lol!

Like someone said in this thread earlier...Poly means something different for everyone! Let's take some time to figure out what our poly means to us...not just mine or just yours but more so that compromise we often speak about!


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