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-   -   mono spouse feelings... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20694)

bailey 01-29-2012 08:18 AM

mono spouse feelings...
 
Hi All...

newby here...I posted in the Intro forum.

my hubby has a girlfriend of two months... I want to be ok with this whole idea of the Poly relationship.

we have been together 2 decades...

there are days I am totally ok with it... other days... i dont want to share him with anyone else and jealous of him spending the time with his girlfriend.

he does make sure to fill my cup so to say and spend quality time with me before going to his girlfriend or chatting with her via computer, messaging etc.

I know hes in the "dating" stage and needing lots of time to get to know his new girlfriend. how much is too much?

we are still working it out. what the balance that I feel comfortable with etc.

would like to hear some tips and advice. I dont want hubby to get burnt out so to say and still have energy to concentrate on work, family, us and his girlfriend.

how do others poly balance all this?
how do other mono spouse cope with the roller coaster feelings? its perhaps still new for me and gets better with time?

Thanks in advance.

ImaginaryIllusion 01-29-2012 10:01 AM

Try to be patient with yourself.

You've had 20 years to get used to being a monogamous married couple with your husband. You've had 2 months to figure out how to be with your husband with another partner in the picture.
That's less than 1% of your relationship with your husband, to adjust to a completely different relationship paradigm from not only your marriage, but everything society and media has spent your entire life programming into you.
Even less considering a chunk of those 2 months you didn't even have a name for it.

I don't think this kind of flip flop thinking is uncommon. I know I went through a similar process in trying to reconcile the idea of my wife being with other men, and that process did literally take months for me.

Most people are their own worst critics...so be gentle with yourself and allow yourself the time to readjust, and assume that there will be mistakes and challenges along the way...both for you, and for your husband, and for his gf. Try to be forgiving of all three.

PolyMinNY 01-29-2012 03:01 PM

Well I'm new to this myself but I will add my feelings.

I am also a mono spouse with my wife being the one who is dating. I have found that by talking with really open honest dialogue my fears have diminished.

I really love my wife and she feels the same about me. I want her to be happy and fulfilled. Throughout our marriage I went with the mainstream thought process that you can only have one love. I have since to realize that you can have more than one love and I actually think it's advantageous to open up.

I feel very confident that we will remain together and by her having the freedom to pursue other guys with my approval she will be fulfilled.

My wife had her first date since we opened up a couple of days ago and I was nervous and a little jealous that she wasn't with me. The more I thought about it the better I feel in that I have allowed her to explore what she really needs.

I think my feeling of the security in what we have together is what has helped me.

I hope this helps...

Jade 01-29-2012 06:21 PM

Sometimes you won't realize something is an issue until it becomes one. Just being aware of that fact can help you deal with it. Once you become aware of an issue, don't be afraid to address it. Hiding it can have worse consequences.

wildflowers 01-30-2012 12:02 AM

Roller coaster seems pretty common. What I thought I should mention is that your husband may be on a roller coaster too. You didn't really say whether poly is a side of himself he's recognized all along, but he may be grappling with changing a lot of expectations and self image too. just keep talking about what both of your are feeling. As was said, it's better than hiding things, which puts up walls; the talking can help you know each other in ways you didn't expect.

And for sure, it just takes time.

CrystalLiving 01-30-2012 01:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jade (Post 122667)
Sometimes you won't realize something is an issue until it becomes one. Just being aware of that fact can help you deal with it. Once you become aware of an issue, don't be afraid to address it. Hiding it can have worse consequences.

Thanks for that. I am stuffing and hiding my feelings and I think it is killing me slowly.

polandrylady 01-30-2012 02:07 AM

my guy feels the same way
 
My guy feels the same way...

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyMinNY (Post 122643)
Well I'm new to this myself but I will add my feelings.

I am also a mono spouse with my wife being the one who is dating. I have found that by talking with really open honest dialogue my fears have diminished.

I really love my wife and she feels the same about me. I want her to be happy and fulfilled. Throughout our marriage I went with the mainstream thought process that you can only have one love. I have since to realize that you can have more than one love and I actually think it's advantageous to open up.

I feel very confident that we will remain together and by her having the freedom to pursue other guys with my approval she will be fulfilled.

My wife had her first date since we opened up a couple of days ago and I was nervous and a little jealous that she wasn't with me. The more I thought about it the better I feel in that I have allowed her to explore what she really needs.

I think my feeling of the security in what we have together is what has helped me.

I hope this helps...


redpepper 01-30-2012 06:20 AM

There are quite a few tags if you do a search for "time management." You might try "lessons," "boundaries" and "foundations" too to see how others have figured time management and boundaries out.

It all takes time, patience and a whole lot of communication. Just because he is in a "dating" phase doesn't mean you have to suffer and not spend as much time as you need. Going at your pace and easing in will mean that you are both going into this with your eyes wide open and ready for anything that comes up because you will have been on whatever came up before right away. It kind of feels like a clean slate every time something has been dealt with. If it doesn't then it likely isn't finished being dealt with.

Going into things quickly means that things are missed, feelings and concerns don't rise up slowly so that they can be dealt with. Its a fine art and a practice for sure. Good Luck. :)

NovemberRain 01-30-2012 06:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bailey (Post 122601)
Hi All...

newby here...I posted in the Intro forum.

Welcome :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by bailey (Post 122601)
my hubby has a girlfriend of two months... I want to be ok with this whole idea of the Poly relationship.

I'm hallucinating an unspoken 'but' right there. You want to be okay, but you're not quite...yet... ?


Quote:

Originally Posted by bailey (Post 122601)
there are days I am totally ok with it... other days... i dont want to share him with anyone else and jealous of him spending the time with his girlfriend.

I'm frequently jealous of people my men hang out with (and I'm the one that's in relationship with two of them).

I imagine it's very challenging to be at home, looking at all your familiarities and thinking of him ~ while you're knowing he's out doing something with someone else.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bailey (Post 122601)
he does make sure to fill my cup so to say and spend quality time with me before going to his girlfriend or chatting with her via computer, messaging etc.

That's awesome.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bailey (Post 122601)
I know hes in the "dating" stage and needing lots of time to get to know his new girlfriend. how much is too much?

(this is what made me want to reply)

Too much is however much makes you nuts. This is the place where you need lots of communication and working it out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bailey (Post 122601)
would like to hear some tips and advice. I dont want hubby to get burnt out so to say and still have energy to concentrate on work, family, us and his girlfriend.

how do others poly balance all this?
how do other mono spouse cope with the roller coaster feelings? its perhaps still new for me and gets better with time?

I'm not the mono one, but I think I'm more nutted about doing this poly thing than my men are. [we've all known each other for over 8 years, and we've just recently become a vee. they're deeply good friends]

One thing that has helped me always (cuz I've dealt with LOTS of rollercoasters before poly) is to remember and try to cultivate things that make me happy ~ apart from relationship. Friends are good, and sometimes it's really excellent to be with friends without going over all the troubles. Like someone to come over while he's out on a date and watch a movie or a bunch of folks for game night. Sometimes forgetting the sturm und drang of the work of relationship, and just having a bit of living is really strengthening and renewing for me.

Also, remember to breathe. A lot.

wishing you the best

bailey 01-30-2012 09:47 AM

Thanks everyone for your replies...

RedPepper... I did try to do a search on time management but only the word "time" was searched. How do I search it together?

I went on the newby section to read some old posts the other day as well.

Thanks again everyone its all very new and we see it as a new journey.

NovemberRain... yup a slight "but" you detect is surely right. as hubby stumbled onto he "new love" without realizing that he could possibly love two women at the same time. hes still trying to figure it all out too and how to balance it and if its really possible that he can love two women at same time. I been researching and finding out more about it for his sake and for mine as there was nothing wrong with our relationship and yet he loves another woman. Then we came across open marriage and then Polyamory that makes sense what we are now experiencing. Trying to see how we can make it all work. (I still had to overcome the grieving of finding out that he loves another woman as well this past month so its been a busy emotional time for us).

The main thing our communication is open and even more so. We are both talking lots about our feelings. I am also letting him know of my feelings too and how we can move forward and if I can embrace him having this other woman in his life etc.

I love him so much and I have always this quote my whole life "If you love someone set them free". I always give my hubby lots of rein to go and do his passion and not hold him back.

Thanks again everyone for your advice and tips. Its a new journey for us and am open for tips and suggestion on our new adventure.


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