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-   -   How do I tell this guy I have a boyfriend... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2065)

Sandy 01-29-2010 01:09 AM

How do I tell this guy I have a boyfriend...
 
First you should know that I prefer to have one or two other guys to sleep with fairly regularly, so I like to have a friendly relationship with them. I'm not in it to love those guys and don't want them to love me.

So, there's a guy I'm interested in. I know he likes me. He doesn't know I'm in an open relationship or that I have a boyfriend. Of course I want to be honest and tell him these things and not string him along.

On the other hand, I've only talked to him a few times and in public at that, so I don't want to be so forward. If I just jump into sex, then there's not a solid friendship and the sex isn't as good for me. Plus then there's awkward before-sex conversation or silence.

If I tell him I have a boyfriend he'll think he has no chance to sleep with me. If I tell him I'm in an open relationship, all he'll hear is "I want sex now."

When do I tell him and what do I say? I've botched this conversation quite a few times, so I'm open to suggestions.

LovingRadiance 01-29-2010 01:56 AM

I think I would go for both.
I would say "I want to get to know you better, I've always thought that it's easier to open up to someone who is also opening up to you, so I wanted to share a bit more about myself with you. (share not so pertinent data that might be interesting here) then...I'm an openminded person, prefer to surround myself with open-minded people, that's one of the reasons why my boyfriend and I have an open relationship, which allows us to each take closer friendships in a sexual direction that's acceptable for ourself and the friend. Not together (necessarily) that might have been confusing (giggle) just that we each accept that about one another." (his turn..)

Rarechild 01-29-2010 02:02 AM

Welcome to the forum
 
I hope you'll read some threads on here that will help you understand how to better care for yourself and your partners.

Oh, my. I've tried to write this sentence several times so it wouldn't offend; this is my best shot- If you want to connect honestly with a person, you will have to make a commitment to yourself to do the work that that takes, including accepting that you are not in control of how other people feel but you are responsible for emotional mayhem you cause because you are coolly operating at a surface level.

At the risk of sounding like your parents, -slow down and know yourself, woman! When you really know what you have to say- it is much easier to communicate your needs to others in your life.

Tell us more about your situation if you care to elaborate. It always helps perspective both ways to know the backstory.

I hope you'll enjoy the site,
-R

Sandy 01-29-2010 02:52 AM

Thank you
 
Thanks for the suggestions so far. I'll try to explore the site and see what I can find. Honestly it's just so nice to be able to express my situation and not be discriminated against and hated on. Nobody I know is like me. My friends try but they don't understand. I am glad to join this community.

GroundedSpirit 01-29-2010 03:01 PM

Well, how about....
"I have a guy (or couple guys) I'm seeing occasionally but it's not an exclusive thing and we both agree we don't want that "
Then let the conversation develop as it will into your philosophy about sex & relationships.

Just a thought....

GS

sunnydee 01-30-2010 04:38 PM

If you're not living with anyone, can't you just say you're dating but no one exclusively? Or, just go on a first date, then talk about it when it comes up? People don't assume you're dating only them from the very first. I use to talk about being poly right away, but if you're not living with a partner, it seems like that's just TMI for most people.

Sandy 01-31-2010 02:42 AM

A Slight Development...
 
Sorry, should have been more specific; I do live with my beau.

Sunnydee, I like your idea of going on a date first. However, I can just tell that this guy likes me a lot and seems to be more of an emotional type--more a beta male than an alpha male--so I don't want to give him the wrong impression. Oh, and thanks for the reality check, I'm not the only star in the sky. Lol.

I also used to start off telling people that I was in an open relationship, but like you said, it was just too much too soon for them. When I started things that way, it seemed the guy would prefer to move onto something easier and more normal, rather than understand what an open relationship meant.

Well, my newest development was in my last conversation with the guy, Michael. I said, "I have a different idea of the way things should be, especially relationships." I described the way people usually react to my beliefs (usually a negative comment or incredulous look) to try to set him up to expect something a little different. I told him I'm not ready to go further into that yet (I'm still just getting to know him).

So now hopefully the impending conversation won't be such a shock to Michael and he'll be a little more open to what I have to say.

Again, thanks to all for taking the time to make my life a little easier.
Namaste

Sandy 02-05-2010 12:27 PM

So telling Michael I have a boyfriend was easy after he told me he has a girlfriend. :confused: That was unexpected. I ended up giving him advice because she isn't talking to him. I had a little devil on my shoulder whispering plans of sabotage but that's not me so I helped him out.

I assume he is in a monogamous relationship but am not sure. I will have to ask him today. He's definitely been showing signs of interest. We had a midterm in English today. He finished 10 minutes before me and then waited for me outside of the classroom. He walks me to my car after class and then gives me these delicious hugs that nearly make me forget about said girlfriend.

We're going to hang out today and hopefully that will clear things up. I hope I'm not too forward by saying what I want to say. But I want to get things out in the open and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize his relationship with his girlfriend. If there's no chance of us having a sexual relationship without hurting his girlfriend then I'll have to respect that.

Wish me luck guys.

StitchwitchD 02-05-2010 02:45 PM

If//when his relationship with his gf comes up, just say "By the way, are you monogamous? I've been assuming that, but I think it's better to ask than assume."

sunnydee 02-07-2010 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StitchwitchD (Post 21763)
If//when his relationship with his gf comes up, just say "By the way, are you monogamous? I've been assuming that, but I think it's better to ask than assume."

Or "exclusive." Are you exclusive?


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