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-   -   New, excited, and nervous (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20629)

PolyMinNY 01-27-2012 09:38 PM

New, excited, and nervous
 
Hello all, I've been lurking here for awhile and just decided to join and share my story.

A little background info. My wife and I have been married for 26 years but live in separate states due to her work. She is sharing an apartment with her sister and a friend both of which are mono.

We had a long discussion last Friday about opening up our marriage which I initiated. I had been wanting her to open up and find a friend and lover that she and I are both comfortable with her being together with. At first she was shocked that I brought it up but has now realized after much more discussion about how serious I am.

About 15 years ago she had an affair with another m that she was really into. It stopped because I found out about it. I was hurt and upset since we hadn't discussed it and she wasn't open to me about it. At that time we were having some communication issues.

Our relationship is very strong now and I want her to feel the joy she had in the past with her last lover.

We talked about it quite a bit this week and when I was talking to her earlier today she told me she has a dinner date this evening with a colleague.

She isn't the type to pickup any random person as she needs to have a personal connection so since she told me about the date I have encouraged her to go have fun and see where it goes. The man she is meeting is also married. I'm really excited and also nervous but I really love her and want her to move forward.

Wish us luck as I'm excited to hear how it goes tonight. :)

IsobelR 01-28-2012 03:06 AM

oh wow, good luck! I hope your wife enjoys herself :D

I am impressed at your security in your relationship to be able to suggest opening a marriage after the hurt :D You and she must have a very close relationship. Congratulations on taking the big step! Congratulations also for recognising the potential joy your wife will gain from another person/other people. That can be a challenging one!

Let us know how things go...

PolyMinNY 01-28-2012 04:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IsobelR (Post 122381)
oh wow, good luck! I hope your wife enjoys herself :D

I am impressed at your security in your relationship to be able to suggest opening a marriage after the hurt :D You and she must have a very close relationship. Congratulations on taking the big step! Congratulations also for recognising the potential joy your wife will gain from another person/other people. That can be a challenging one!

Let us know how things go...

Thank you. I completely forgave her for her past mistake. I feel somewhat a part of it due to the marriage struggles we had at the time and lack of communication.

I know she will be happy not being feeling confined and free to explore her heart. I truly feel this will strengthen our bond as we are committed to each other.

I did receive a text from her about a half hour ago and all is going well. :D

SchrodingersCat 01-28-2012 08:20 AM

Sounds great!

At first, I was like "oh no.. not another husband trying to push his wife into poly when she doesn't want to be, just so he can have a girlfriend and not feel guilty." Then I finished reading and realized that she had done something like that before without the ethical part, and that you were finally accepting of her nature, and trying to support her.

Yay!

PolyMinNY 01-28-2012 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 122399)
Sounds great!

At first, I was like "oh no.. not another husband trying to push his wife into poly when she doesn't want to be, just so he can have a girlfriend and not feel guilty." Then I finished reading and realized that she had done something like that before without the ethical part, and that you were finally accepting of her nature, and trying to support her.

Yay!


Yes I'm trying to be supportive and not controlling. I also have no one in the wings so this is all about her and her happiness.

I want her to be content and happy and not resent me for stifling her. So far it's very exciting. :)

nycindie 01-28-2012 10:06 PM

I agree - you have a good attitude and it is clear you have done a lot o work on yourselves and your marriage. I would just be cautious about the married colleague, if they start a relationship. She would do well to find out whether he is open with his spouse or not. Last thing you want to encourage is your wife being a secret mistress of a married man who is lying to his wife.

PolyMinNY 01-29-2012 04:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 122491)
I agree - you have a good attitude and it is clear you have done a lot o work on yourselves and your marriage. I would just be cautious about the married colleague, if they start a relationship. She would do well to find out whether he is open with his spouse or not. Last thing you want to encourage is your wife being a secret mistress of a married man who is lying to his wife.

Thanks for the advice and I agree with you on this. I don't think he is lying to his wife though but it's a good question for her to ask.

I know she does not want to break up a marriage.

Anneintherain 01-29-2012 05:44 AM

I was just curious, you only mentioned opening up up the marriage so she could find a lover. Was this discussion really only one sided, or was it about both of you being able to find partners since you are living apart right now?

PolyMinNY 01-29-2012 05:55 AM

It is only for her. I am not looking and do not have another lover.

CrystalLiving 01-30-2012 02:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 122399)
At first, I was like "oh no.. not another husband trying to push his wife into poly when she doesn't want to be, just so he can have a girlfriend and not feel guilty."

Thank you for this post. Your comment gave me something to ponder.

Crystal


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