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-   -   hypocrisy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2061)

quila 01-28-2010 07:18 PM

hypocrisy
 
So I replied to a personal ad on kijiji, women seeking women, and I was very straight up that I am married to a man and desiring a romantic relationship with a woman. I got this very confused response:

Quote:

I don't understand how you expect to have a romantic relatonship with another woman while your still with your husband? Thats just setting someone up to get hurt. UNLESS your plan on having no feelings involved which is almost impossible when it's sexual, some sort of feelings will arouse.

I'm scared already of you, and I haven't even met you. I'm not to sure your what I'm looking for. I'm with someone right now, a lady. And I know it's a dead end street. She's much older then me, and I know its not who I'm meant to be with.
So I just had to comment on her hypocrisy of accusing me of setting someone up to get hurt, when she's the one posting personal ads while being in a monogamous relationship. I asked her whether her partner knows that she's seeking to replace her, or is she doing this behind her partner's back? It will be interesting to see what she has to say for herself...

*sigh*

starlight1 01-28-2010 09:01 PM

I think a lot of people arent as honest with themselves as they should be. I'm currently in a casual relationship with a guy who calls himself monogomous and straight, yet we are in a relationship more like a V, between myself and another man- AND They Have Had Sex Together. Not only that he fancies more than one woman....

But at the same time he doesnt want me to date or see anyone else other than him and the guy i am currently with.....

So i'm completely in the same boat. Hypocrisy abounds among many people not willing to look at the why and how they do something, and in which way that might affect the people around them...

rubyfish 01-29-2010 01:24 AM

It kind of reminds me of some of the profiles I've read on okcupid for women that say they are bisexual, but aren't interested in dating or even hearing from cis-gendered straight men. Okay, whatever floats their boat. And then when you read deeper or talk to them, they also have no interest in women who date cis-gendered straight men. I don't quite understand, but I think it's a little like the person you replied to.

Ariakas 01-29-2010 01:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubyfish (Post 21247)
It kind of reminds me of some of the profiles I've read on okcupid for women that say they are bisexual, but aren't interested in dating or even hearing from cis-gendered straight men. Okay, whatever floats their boat. And then when you read deeper or talk to them, they also have no interest in women who date cis-gendered straight men. I don't quite understand, but I think it's a little like the person you replied to.

Whats a CIS-genered straight man?

Ravenesque 01-29-2010 02:06 AM

I'm sorry that happened to you quila. It seems to be another example of some having a narrow view of what love can encompass for any outside of themselves. An interesting mix of not believing in bisexuals or polyamorists.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubyfish (Post 21247)
It kind of reminds me of some of the profiles I've read on okcupid for women that say they are bisexual, but aren't interested in dating or even hearing from cis-gendered straight men. Okay, whatever floats their boat. And then when you read deeper or talk to them, they also have no interest in women who date cis-gendered straight men. I don't quite understand, but I think it's a little like the person you replied to.

Because a bisexual woman is only interested in women at any given moment on a dating site, doesn't mean she is being a hypocrite. Those men who are interested in the bisexual woman do not validate her bisexuality by being able to date her.

~Raven~

LovingRadiance 01-29-2010 02:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rubyfish (Post 21247)
It kind of reminds me of some of the profiles I've read on okcupid for women that say they are bisexual, but aren't interested in dating or even hearing from cis-gendered straight men. Okay, whatever floats their boat. And then when you read deeper or talk to them, they also have no interest in women who date cis-gendered straight men. I don't quite understand, but I think it's a little like the person you replied to.

What is cis-gendered?

LovingRadiance 01-29-2010 02:46 AM

I'm on okcupid, and only "seeking friends". And listed as bi-sexual (which I am) but I'm in a poly-fi relationship that allows for each of us to have 2 partners, and I already have 2.....

that doesn't mean I'm not bi, just that I'm not available...

BUT I do see a lot of hypocrisy around as well. :(

Ravenesque 01-29-2010 02:52 AM

Cisgender and cisgendered are terms used in contrast to transgender and transgendered. Where transgendered individuals feel uncomfortable with the gender (and accompanying gender roles) assigned to them at birth, cisgendered individuals are at ease with the gender (and gender roles which are) assigned to them at birth.

It is a neoligism (gotta love new words) used within the queer (I use this word to encompass the LGBTQ+ community) community and within identity studies.

~Raven~

rubyfish 01-29-2010 01:19 PM

Like I said, I have no issue with bi women looking for women only. It's the fact that they have an issue with other women that date men that confuses me.

I should have clarified that these women listed themselves as seeking dating partners and as poly, as well.

GroundedSpirit 01-29-2010 03:32 PM

Hi Quilla,

I think you hit it on the head when you used the term "confused" - i.e. "I got this very confused response".

To me, it's just indicative of the state (confused) the vast majority of people are in in western society due to repression of sexuality and alternate lifestyles - be in GLBT, poly etc.

It becomes a big philosophical debate - internally & externally.
There's always this balance being struck between our trying to live our lives in ways that meet our desires but yet acknowledging that in areas like sex, it also is going to involves others. And their feelings & desires.

Eventually everyone has to come down on one side of the philosophical fence or the other, and which side that is depends on the person AND the particular situation.

While your description of what you see as "hypocrisy" is maybe technically accurate, I think the term needs to be used gently in some cases, and maybe this is one.
We don't know what state her relationship has reached with her current lover but safe to say, in most relationships of any length everyone reaches a point that the "writing is on the wall". And when that happens EVERYONE (in most cases) senses it. But we don't always come right out and talk about it. So if the relationship (current) is not really 'bad' - just missing something, a lot of people tend to just hang in there and set to work looking for something better. In the meantime, they make the best of what they have.
Is that 'brutally honest' ? No. Guess we all wish that that level of brutal honesty could exist between all of us without becoming cruel and ugly. But that's not real either in many cases.
So, people try to balance - as best they know how. We learn as we go.

GS


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