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-   -   bi-monogamy, what is it? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20596)

redpepper 01-26-2012 09:26 PM

bi-monogamy, what is it?
 
My friend wrote this the other day and I wondered your thoughts on it.

"This was the question I asked a girl who lists herself bi and has criteria for both a male and a female partner. Her profile doesn't give any other hints to her, um, "quantitative orientation", so the question popped out.

Afterwards, I found the term "bi-monogamous" kind of curious. I wasn't sure if it was something I'd seen before or if it was one of those neologisms my mind makes up and just tries to pass off as normal everyday parlance. I googled it, and found a lot of discussion on the dissonance of being bisexual AND monogamous, but no references to the term "bi-monogamous". Has anyone seen this before? Is there another term for this already? Finally, what would your answer to the original question be?"

Is this a form of Poly-fi?
Is this related to the term "closed loop relationship?"

Vixtoria 01-27-2012 04:01 AM

I believe it's the same thing as poly-fi, but prescriptive poly. One female and one male relationship. It's like, baby steps into Poly without actually saying you are poly.

I had a friend who was gay but found it easier to say he was bi. Kind of the same thing. You aren't poly, you aren't interested in open relationships, you just like boys and girls, so you want A girl to date and A boy to date. Keeping both relationships separate.

opalescent 01-27-2012 04:07 AM

Huh. No idea really.

But if I was making up a definition, I would say it is the agreement of a bi person in a poly relationship to only date people who are the opposite sex of their primary partner. So a woman who agrees to only see women because of her male partner's discomfort is practicing bi monogamy.

At least that's what it's going to be in my head from now on!

SourGirl 01-27-2012 04:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vixtoria (Post 122238)
I believe it's the same thing as poly-fi, but prescriptive poly. One female and one male relationship. It's like, baby steps into Poly without actually saying you are poly.

I had a friend who was gay but found it easier to say he was bi. Kind of the same thing. You aren't poly, you aren't interested in open relationships, you just like boys and girls, so you want A girl to date and A boy to date. Keeping both relationships separate.

Well that is an interesting .....dismissal ?

So if I said,..... I have been non-mongamous for 10+ years, done the swing thing, done the poly thing, neither one with any OPP rules, or 'soft'....and I am now at a place where I realize I only want my husband for male company, and my girlfriend for female company......How do you put that into,..'baby steps into poly ' ?

Anywho,....Guess I have to answer the questions now. ;)

Yes, heard this before, albeit fairly recently. This is a term I heard about 3 months ago. It resonated with me, and made sense.

As for dating a man and a woman, and how to define it :

I put it in the poly-fi category, if those involved, find their relationship evolves around the 'spirit' of poly interactions, common poly-beliefs, and common poly practices. The need to share lives, shared communication, shared goals.

I would put it in the bi-monogamous category, if the relationships are truly separate, and seem to follow the basic rules of monogamy. For instance, if the description of love felt for the woman, is a different love then what is felt for the man. If the relationships have their own paths, and don`t interact.

redpepper 01-27-2012 07:13 AM

To me being bisexual and being poly are about two different identities. One being a sexual orientation and the other being a relationship orientation. People could be bi and poly or bi and mono. Just as readily as if they were straight and poly or straight and mono. Just because someone is bi, doesn't automatically mean they are poly. I know committed bisexual people who are married monogamously and that is how it works for them. They didn't stop being bi because they got married.

SourGirl 01-27-2012 08:27 AM

Well yes, but isn`t this in the context of being 'active' ?

If you are bi, and 'made your choice' and decide to be monogamous to one person /sex, you wouldn`t be needing the add-on of the 'bi' to the monogamous part.

I see the context relative to the environment. I assumed in the question, being on a poly group, you were talking about someone actively looking for a partner to fulfill each side of their sexuality ?

Vixtoria 01-27-2012 05:25 PM

When I first started having multiple relationships since the only model I knew was monogamy I went with that. I told myself, and tried to live as though I was having two separate monogamous relationships. Personally, I realized that didn't work. It didn't matter that my husband and boyfriend/girlfriend did not meet, talk or interact in any way. The relationships still affected each person. If only because of how I felt. If I had a really good talk or time with one, then that energy and emotion was felt by the other. If I had a fight, argument or bad time with one, the other knew. It was literally impossible to have two separate relationships. To say that I had two monogamous relationships was inaccurate. Even though hubby is mono he says he is in a poly relationship, because he is. Every relationship carries over to the other in SOME way.

When I said baby steps into poly, that's how I meant it, because multiple loving relationships that are honest, open and ethical IS poly, even if you don't use the label. (Not everyone is a fan of labels). Not everyone was lucky enough to understand that they were poly or be in poly relationships from the get go. Some move into poly in steps. Some through cheating, then non monogamy, then ethical non monogamy, then poly.

I wasn't maligning how anyone 'does' poly. Some are prescriptive, "I like having X number of partners, so many men so many women." and that's fine for them. Some are more descriptive in that they take each relationship as it comes and not concerned with how many, how serious, or what type of relationship it is. Whatever works for you and your partners!

AutumnalTone 01-27-2012 08:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 122178)
...but no references to the term "bi-monogamous". Has anyone seen this before? Is there another term for this already? Finally, what would your answer to the original question be?"

Is this a form of Poly-fi?
Is this related to the term "closed loop relationship?"

I'd say it's one of those stupid things people make up when they're trying to describe something that doesn't have an established term. Being involved with two people is polyamorous--no monogamy involved. They may be involved with only one female-aspected person and only one male-aspected person and it doesn't change the fact that they are involved with two actual people, and thus, polyamorous.

They should just describe as polyfi and be done with it. It really doesn't matter, for description purposes, whether they're involved with two males or two females or one of each--they're involved with two folks and not looking for more.

SourGirl 01-27-2012 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vixtoria (Post 122312)

I wasn't maligning how anyone 'does' poly. Some are prescriptive, "I like having X number of partners, so many men so many women." and that's fine for them. Some are more descriptive in that they take each relationship as it comes and not concerned with how many, how serious, or what type of relationship it is. Whatever works for you and your partners!

Actually, I regret my comment. I was up late last night with kiddies, and really shouldn`t of posted on one of these baited label-threads. They always end the same. ( Not your fault.) Usually I know better. So I apologize for questioning you. :)

ThatGirlInGray 01-27-2012 09:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 122337)
I'd say it's one of those stupid things people make up when they're trying to describe something that doesn't have an established term. Being involved with two people is polyamorous--no monogamy involved. They may be involved with only one female-aspected person and only one male-aspected person and it doesn't change the fact that they are involved with two actual people, and thus, polyamorous.

They should just describe as polyfi and be done with it. It really doesn't matter, for description purposes, whether they're involved with two males or two females or one of each--they're involved with two folks and not looking for more.

I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here. First of all, making up something because there isn't an established term is one way we get new words, like Polyamorous. Being made-up doesn't necessarily make it stupid.

Second, while I wouldn't bother using the term (because I'm much more likely to just explain rather than labeling), I could see it applying to my life if other paths had been taken. In my situation, MC is mono. I am his only partner. I am poly, but I have two partners and that's it. I'm not looking for more, I'm not playing with anyone, I'm "polysaturated". TGIB is poly, and while I'm his only partner at the moment, he will likely have multiple partners over the next several years. We are NOT polyfi or closed loop. So IF, instead of being with TGIB, my other partner were a woman, I could see a term like bi-monogamy being used to explain that I'm with one man and one woman and that's it. Polyfi wouldn't apply if Hypothetical Female Partner were still having relationships with other people.


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