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-   -   Another newbie here (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2041)

Phantessa 01-25-2010 12:07 AM

Another newbie here
I only learned about polyamory a year or two ago and it's like this seed has been planted that keeps sprouting up new questions. I don't know where I stand right now. I am currently in a monogamous relationship of 6 years and now married. I have spoken to my husband about my questions and he supports me in many ways. However, if I decide I want something other than a monogamous relationship then he could not do that, but he wants me to be happy it would just be with someone else. I respect his decision, but we're potentially in two different minsets. I truly adore this man and would not want to risk losing him. I find myself having friendships with men that often push a line of possible attraction. He trusts me and I do not let things go beyond friendship. It's like I'm getting some emotional needs met through these friendships. I still feel a sense of guilt, although I am very honest with him and he knows these friends. I don't really know where I'm at or what I want. But, I find myself questioning even wanting a long term commitment. So, this is all jumbled up and I'm throwing it all out there. Can anyone relate or offer any thoughts on this. The concept of polyamory and the level of openness and honesty is one piece I've really connected with. Although, at the risk of losing him I would probably sacrifice some sense of potential completeness for myself.

JonnyAce 01-25-2010 08:24 AM


I wish you luck in finding what you need.

GroundedSpirit 01-25-2010 04:15 PM

Hello Phantessa - and welcome.
It's a hard situation you have. In an ideal world we would all 'partner' with others who understood the necessity of each individual's self fulfillment and that the understanding of 'love' was that we would support each other in that quest to the best of our ability.
Add to that the various ways people end up in relationships - particularly married ones - and you find your situation far too prevalent.
When you say he "supports you" - I wonder how much he has truly educated himself on what polyamory is truly about ? There is not a high level of awareness in society in general and a lot of misconceptions even among those claiming some awareness.
My suggestion would be for you both to do some studying together and talking. There's lots of resources even on this forum, pointing to helpful books, other sites etc. If you both were on the same level of understanding it would allow you to have some productive discussions and make some wiser choices as to direction. And if nothing else - you will learn LOTS more about who each other REALLY are - inside. And this may include some stuff you like - or don't. But rest assured, it WILL come out eventually anyway. Delaying it only makes it worse (or delays the positive).
Good luck.


MonoVCPHG 01-25-2010 04:31 PM


Originally Posted by Phantessa (Post 20897)
However, if I decide I want something other than a monogamous relationship then he could not do that, but he wants me to be happy it would just be with someone else. I respect his decision, but we're potentially in two different minsets. .

First off let me commend you both on your maturity, openness and caring around this matter. I am consistently blown away by how rational and compassionate some people can be when faced with these issues.

You're honesty is beautiful as is your husband's. The idea that he would step aside to see you achieve something is not one I am unfamiliar with. I also adhere to this line of thinking. If my partner of over a year requires some thing beyond my own boundaries than I would graciously step aside to let her pursue that. She knows this and also knows that I would remain as much a part of her life (and the life of my chosen family) as possible and healthy.

Sometimes we have to accept bottom lines in life. I have mine. Your husband seems to have his.
Supporting some one can only be done within the confines of personal health. Supporting some one is not going beyond your bottom line although some bottom lines may not be quite as hard and fast as people think.

My partner is often a little disturbed by how easily it seems I would change the nature of our relationship in order to maintain our friendship above all else. Your husband sounds very secure and very aware of his boundaries. You sound very aware of your long term needs.

Regardless what happens I imagine you will maintain a healthy relationship.

Take care

Phantessa 01-25-2010 06:51 PM

Thank you
Thank you for the welcomes and the responses. :)

He and I have discussed polyamory, and I feel like he does have a good understanding of it. However, I respect and understand that he prefers the relationship we currently have. I would never ask him to be someone he is not or push my new ideas on him. But, I will definitely open the discussion again and I feel I can safely explore my feelings with him.

I would say at this point I am unsure of what my long term needs are. But, the thought of losing him would be devastating for me. I may not be 100% satisfied in life, but I've never personally met anyone who is either. I even feel selfish for possibly wanting more. I don't even know what exactly I'm missing. I'm still trying to sort it all out and I hope to do that here by reading what other people have gone through and their thought process, especially early on through the initial confusion. Anyway, thanks again for the responses. More to talk about and more to think about.

bassman 10-05-2011 12:55 PM

Hi Phantessa
Ive just read your first post, and I think you've laid our exactly where I am at, too.
Only a few months ago, I told my wife that if she wanted a lover, to go for it! She seemed interested in the idea, but backed off after a while. But Ive sown the seed and its going to be an interesting journey from here.

bassman 10-05-2011 12:59 PM

I doubt she would read "ethical slut" or the like, any time soon. I'm in the UK, and with any luck I'll find some folks near us, make friends with them, I think that might soften up her stance on the poly.

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