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-   -   Is a child's blood thicker than water? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20342)

atconner 01-20-2012 01:45 AM

Is a child's blood thicker than water?
 
Heyo,

I've identified as poly for a while now, and the I sort of 'came out' to my family after I was busted. My gf and her husband are open about it in person, and on FB, which is where the trouble happened.

Anyways, to make a long story short, there is oodles of drama and bullsh*t galore with my family, but their major concern is over my gf's, and her husband's, daughter who is 10 years old. Things seem fine with the relationship now, but my parents are making a huge deal of what happens when she turns 13 and realizes what's going on, and blah blah blah. My brother, and now my father, are convinced I'll need a lawyer to pull myself out of this relationship after the daughter gets mad at me and accuses me of molesting her.

Those of you with adolescent children in poly families, how has your life with children worked out? Has there been much ado about your bonus adults in the house?

Thanks,
Aaron

Vixtoria 01-20-2012 02:29 AM

Okay well, I have three kids, between 11 and 14. They have not met any of my OSOs simply because it's been long distance. However, they know of him and have talked to him as well on Face Time. (they love showing off for new people) I'm honestly not as concerned about them meeting another person in my life simply because they have always been raised around more open people. When they were little I did a lot of gaming and LARPing and they met friends of mom and dad's. Including a couple that mom and dad were close to and even cuddled with and kissed and all of that.

As they got older they went to camp with me a few times where people were of all different religions and sexualities and it was clothing optional. So they understand the difference between nudity and sex. They have seen mom cuddle with and hug and kiss people, women and men. Have even had the conversation of why don't I marry an 'Uncle' of theirs even though I'm still married to dad! So had to explain you can only marry ONE person and their 'Uncle' was gay and so while we love each other and hug and kiss and cuddle, I'm not his type.

Kids, are smarter than people think. So honestly it's up to their parents to be honest and open with their daughter as well so she doesnt' think there's something 'wrong'. Side note, thinking she won't figure it out until she's 13 is the most ridiculous part of it all. My girls were asking questions well before that!

redpepper 01-21-2012 04:04 AM

This thread is about what happened with my parents. They accused Mono, my bf of abusing my child. It might be a good read. It turned out okay in the end and has made our family stronger than ever. I decided early on to let them see our boy but if they said anything to him about Mono then they would not see him. I got him looked at and there was nothing of concern from our family doctor so it was left unfounded.

I didn't talk to them, and they didn't talk to me for over a year. Eventually they started talking. I think they realized that they could not prove anything and while they didn't understand they could accept that and work on being close to us again. They have never been as close. Something died during that event. I don't tell them as much any more and we are all more private. They don't need to know what we do anyway.

I really admired Mono during this time because he didn't change his persona. He was the same as he always is. He was the same to them too. He said that there was no reason to be different because he had done nothing and he could understand that they would be concerned. Poly is weird to most people.

I think if I were you I would just laugh it off and not take it seriously. Pass it off as their ignorance and loving concern for you. You know this won't happen so why sweat it? i can assure you that poly kids have got it made! Provided that their parents NRE doesn't create neglect that is and provided that all partners consider the kids with every relationship move they make. Kids thrive in poly! That has been my experience. :)

Have a look at some of the threads tagged "kids" "children" "family" and see if something helpful comes up.

SchrodingersCat 01-21-2012 07:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atconner (Post 121231)
My brother, and now my father, are convinced I'll need a lawyer to pull myself out of this relationship after the daughter gets mad at me and accuses me of molesting her.

I would ask them how this is any different from dating a single mom. And then counter with the fact that more grown-ups around means more witnesses to testify that you were with them the whole time and there was no opportunity for anything to happen.

A lot of these biases are based more on "I heard a story about a guy" than the actual situation at hand. Since it's impossible to know what really happened in these cases, and because the safety of children is so important, they all have to be investigated.

It's not unrealistic to imagine that a jaded teenager could falsely accuse you of inappropriate behaviour. Regrettably, it happens all the time, and just the accusation is enough to ruin you. My parents used to belong to a babysitter's co-op, and my dad would refuse to care for children if my mom wasn't there. Soon as he did that, a lot of the other dads realized he had a point and made the same refusal.

AutumnalTone 01-22-2012 10:58 PM

Most of the time when folks are hollering "What about the children?" the issue at hand has nothing to do with the children. They're trying to offer a rationale that has more legitimacy than a simple "We don't like that."

ray 01-22-2012 11:35 PM

As much as people, including children do sometimes throw around accusations of molestation and abuse these days, isn't a bit presumptuous and wildly speculative of your relatives to assume that this is bound to happen? I agree that you should be wise, ie don't hang out with the kid alone, etc. Still, like SC said, it's just like dating a single mom. And I'm sure the girl already has an idea of what happens. 10 yr olds are pretty fucking smart. It's not like God implants children with a new brain on their 13th birthday. Seriously...

thetasignmom 01-23-2012 02:55 AM

I am not sure how much help I can be other than to echo what others have said...

Mono people who express concern for the welfare of the children are most often concerned about some other issue entirely. I am blessed in a way not to have any family other than this fun and fascinating poly tribe that I am building for myself. However, when I have addressed people outside our tribe about the impact of our lovestyle on the children, I point out that the people I add to our family (even though they are my lovers) function as extended family to my kids. I never invite into my world people who are not willing to commit to my children even more greatly than they will commit to me. I also think that it is not much different than allowing Uncles to spend time with my girls. I choose people who can love and support my children and can also support my parenting choices. We are very open with the kids and they have been hugely excited as our family grows. We also have encouraged our girls to form close ties to people that are NOT lovers...friends, members of the Pagan community, etc. My children think of all of these people as their family and not potential threats to their security or to the core of their family unit. Very recently, my husband's brother began divorce precedings and is leaving his wife of 20 years. My children are saddened about the divorce, but their poly experience has taught them that they will not be loosing their Aunt. Bottom line...kids love and respond to those people who love and respect them. If you form an appropriate and close relationship with the child involved, there should be no reason for concern.

trescool 01-23-2012 04:42 AM

i feel you
 
Hey:
I just wanted to say, I feel you on the whole family freaking out thing. It's also my deepest concern. My boyfriends mom threw a s***fit when he told her the truth. She tried to sue for custody of his daughter... and lost. You see, the nice thing about the law is that it isnt tied to people's feelings (ideally, and from my little experience, practically). Righteous indignation, anger, fear, heartfelt conviction... all these emotions, with their deep social power (and oh, how they sway people socially!) dont amount to two legal cents. We've come to a workable conclusion with his mother, and his little girl is as happy and protected as ever, having access to the people who love her-- me, her daddy, and her grandparents.
In conclusion... the kids are all right. It's the other adults who freak out about stuff like this. Luckily, living in a society where the law is usually upheld means that just because people may throw accusations or try to sue for custody they dont get their way unless there's actually some form of illegal activity happening.
Second conclusion... the social pressure still really sucks and I'm sorry to hear youre going through that.


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