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-   -   Am I still poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2033)

Creatress 01-23-2010 08:39 AM

Am I still poly?
 
I don't know if poly is the right word for me.

Part of this is internal backlash from my first serious poly relationship going south--way south. Domestic violence south (not directed at me, it was among the other three members of the quad, but very disturbing nonetheless.)

I know that I want freedom in my relationship. I know that I want to not have to be PARANOID about talking to someone, flirting, a kiss. I want my love to come home from a night out and tell me about the cute girl he made out with or the guy he thought was hot. And while I know that open relationships can turn into poly ones pretty easily if given the time....*sigh* I don't know.

I suppose it doesn't MATTER when I don't have any relationship, let alone more than one. :p But I don't want to be a secondary (again). At this point in my life, I need to be the only really important one for a while. I need to heal, because in this last relationship, my needs ALWAYS came last or there was emotional hell to pay, and I need some healthy adoration and respect.

Just throwing that out to the universe. Don't know what exactly I'm looking for. Maybe reassurance that one day someone and I will fall madly in love and be ready to handle whatever comes our way, including new lovers. *sigh*

ImaginaryIllusion 01-23-2010 02:51 PM

I suspect the question is really one you'll need to answer yourself. But for what it's worth, I'll offer my spin.

There's a fine dividing line between open-relationships and poly, and a few other things I suppose. And there seems to be little concensus on where those divisions actually stand, so it really comes down to where you draw those lines for yourself.

I'll presume for the moment that you did identify as poly during your last relationship. Identities are funny things...they don't need to go away just because of current circumstances. For example, I still ID as a gamer, even though time and circumstances have prevented me from doing anything of the sort for years. It sounds to me that you still retain the thought processes that would make it very easy to retain a poly as part of your self-identity, even though you've had a bad experience.

And one bad experience does not need to invalidate the whole thing...that's also a choice you'll have to make. Particularly domestic violence is not universal, and I expect many would commend you for getting yourself out of such a situation. There's no good that can come of staying in that.

It actually sounds like you are in a fairly good space right now...or at least on a better path than that of constant self-sacrifice of your needs for the sake of your relationships. You seem to have an idea of the basics of what you'll need going into a new relationship. Everyone deserves to be respected...to feel loved, to make sure they take care of their own needs. Take your time out, find your primary, allow yourself to heal, give yourself permission to take care of you.

As for finding that love...it's there. Someone who is open to more ethical and less monogamous relationships might be a little harder to find...although some can be convinced. :) But rest assured, the universe did not leave you out here without a few someones that can fulfill your needs, and whom you can fulfill theirs. They may be hidden, they may be around the corner...they may be hiding in plain sight, but they're there. Keep the faith...it's all good.

NeonKaos 01-23-2010 03:37 PM

So... did you move out and get your own place then? I hope your kid is doing all right.

i spilled coffee into my key board and its all fucky now... bso bif bi btyype bnormally bity bcomes bouty blike btyhis

Just because the other people were abusive, why would that make YOU not poly?

GroundedSpirit 01-23-2010 04:24 PM

Are you "poly" (amorous) ?
Do you BELIEVE that you are capable of 'loving' more than a single person (non-family or pet :) ) and that by doing that it would add positive dimensions to your and their lives ?
Only you know the answer to that - right ? But it's not really a difficult question if you know yourself.

But the whole primary/secondary thing ad naseum really is about security and knowing you are truly loved and protected by SOMEONE.
If the earthquake hits - are you going to be 'first' in line to be saved ?
Or are you the type that feels (and takes pride in) the fact that you're quite capable of digging yourself out and failing that that you'll trust to the universe that it will provide some kind soul to help you and that that type of person might well be the one you would want to bond with?

Only you can define these things :)

GS

NeonKaos 01-23-2010 04:32 PM

Write this 5000 times:

"Poly relationships are just like mono relationships except there are more people involved."

Being in a one-on-one dynamic does not mean it won't be abusive or unhealthy, just as being in a multi-dynamic does not mean everyone gets their "needs met".

Ariakas 01-23-2010 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 20803)
Write this 5000 times:

"Poly relationships are just like mono relationships except there are more people involved."

Being in a one-on-one dynamic does not mean it won't be abusive or unhealthy, just as being in a multi-dynamic does not mean everyone gets their "needs met".

Best statement EVER!!!

sunnydee 01-23-2010 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Creatress (Post 20785)
I don't know if poly is the right word for me.


I suppose it doesn't MATTER when I don't have any relationship, let alone more than one. :p But I don't want to be a secondary (again). At this point in my life, I need to be the only really important one for a while. I need to heal, because in this last relationship, my needs ALWAYS came last or there was emotional hell to pay, and I need some healthy adoration and respect.


Well, I think you're still poly, but that's because your description of where you are emotionally sounds hauntingly familiar (not the violence part) and I still think I'm poly, so.... I have to believe that you can get your needs met, and be adored, and respected, even if the person/people who do that have other relationships. It's not the poly thing that's the problem, in other words, it's falling in love with people who don't treat you with acceptance and respect. Focus on getting that and see what happens.

NeonKaos 01-23-2010 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 20815)
Best statement EVER!!!

I'm just parroting what Ceoli said but it is a pretty good one. No point in re-inventing the wheel.

Creatress 01-23-2010 09:52 PM

Definitely in theory, but...
 
ImaginaryIllusion, thanks especially for your reply. I needed to hear it.

YGirl, I did move out, I've been out a little over a month. Haven't talked to my exes in a few weeks. I'm still in love with one, so it really hurts. My DD is doing great now that we're out (she had manifested some fairly undesirable behaviours in the Big House.)

In response to your last question, this touches on what GroundedSpirit wrote: I know I'm theoretically poly. I know that I can and do love more than one person at a time, and I want to have the flexibility and the trust in my relationships that will allow me to express that love however I see fit. I don't think that will ever change. Regarding whether or not I think it makes everyone's life better, I don't know. There was so much fighting and pain and emotional difficulty I had to deal with from my GF and my metamour that I don't know if it could be worth it. I didn't deal with much jealousy or whatnot, but hashing out everyone else's feelings (or just knowing they felt that way and weren't talking about it) was hell. I don't think they are actually poly, honestly. I mean, my ex BF is, but his wife and their partner are just snippy and backbiting and emotionally dishonest...people are human, and it takes some superhuman emotional intelligence to handle poly.

And I disagree with the statement that poly relationships are just like mono relationships but with more people. I really do. There is a different dynamic. In a mono relationship, I know my partner is checking out other people, but not acting on it (as long as the trust is there and such). That acting on it is GREAT, as long as everyone's on board, honest with themselves and each other, etc. And people aren't always like that.

SunnyDee, I hope you're right. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be happy in a mono relationship for very long, but it will take time before I can handle poly drama again. I'm struggling,though, with knowing I'm poly and knowing that I need to be monogamous with a primary for a while before we open things up. I haven't been monogamous with someone longer than about two months. :-P Everyone seems to say you should do it that way, and I just don't know how it can work.

sunnydee 01-23-2010 09:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Creatress (Post 20831)
I'm struggling,though, with knowing I'm poly and knowing that I need to be monogamous with a primary for a while before we open things up. I haven't been monogamous with someone longer than about two months. :-P Everyone seems to say you should do it that way, and I just don't know how it can work.


Do you mean that everyone says you should be mono with a primary for a while before opening it up? If so, I disagree. I think that's certainly useful advice if there's a primary relationship to start with, but I much prefer the dynamic (and I think it's VERY different) of starting with two unpartnered poly people, which, perhaps, given your current circumstances, you have a chance to try.


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