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-   -   help i have abandonment issues and i can't get up (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2030)

SileRuric 01-22-2010 10:21 PM

help i have abandonment issues and i can't get up
 
i love my partner, he loves me, i have no other boyfriends right now, but i am dating (coffee etc) my partner is wonderful, he drives me and picks me up from these dates when it is rainy outside because i cannot afford the insurance on my car right now,

i am physically VERY old world Irish, short, dusty blond hair, ultra curvy, (not fat) but i have huge linebacker shoulders.....

i have met his other girlfriend Kat, she is beautiful, lovely in fact, and when they first got together and i had not met her, i was very self conscious, despite Colin telling me often that their relationship is very different, or WE would not be living together

once i met her (had sex with her) of course things changed and i was fine, i still get that little twinge when they go out but it is no biggie to me now

that being said.....

the girl that got away is moving back, and she left him a voice mail on his cell not just asking to go out for coffee but if he will be her boyfriend, once again Colin was wonderful and called me as soon as he got the voice mail (at work)

Colin says he wont date non poly girls, but it is also very clear that while he loves me, my love for him is deeper (we have both talked about this and agree) where does that leave me and Kathrine if Kitty is not poly? can we even compete? i am so scared of losing him, what if it turns out that he would rather live with her then me,

or will this all go away once i meet her like it did with Kat?
:confused:

CielDuMatin 01-22-2010 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SileRuric (Post 20721)
Colin says he wont date non poly girls, but it is also very clear that while he loves me, my love for him is deeper (we have both talked about this and agree) where does that leave me and Kathrine if Kitty is not poly? can we even compete? i am so scared of losing him, what if it turns out that he would rather live with her then me,

or will this all go away once i meet her like it did with Kat?
:confused:

Some of us have crystal balls (and some of us just walk funny), but I don't do either, so looking in the future isn't something I can do.

But I would pose a question - if he does want to be with Kitty instead of you and Katherine, if that would make him happier, don't you want him to be happy? Trying to cling on to him (not that I am syaing that you are, but some do out of fear) ends up just pushing them away and resenting you for doing it.

If he is truly poly then the idea of committing to one person for the rest of his life is probably going to feel very... hmm.. what's the word, here? problematic to him - because it's not just losing you two for her, it's losing everyone else that could come along for her.

If she is poly, then there won't have to be a choice made, will there?

Don't compete - don't turn it into a competition.

Have you talked to him about this? Your concerns, your fears? If not, then I think you absolutely need to. That gives him a chance to tell you exactly how he feels, which may well reassure you and put some of these fears to rest.

Lemondrop 01-22-2010 10:41 PM

It always helps me to talk to my partners. Remember that poly doesn't work unless there's a lot of communication. Even when it sounds silly to me, it helps to get it out in the open and to hear out loud what they think will happen. And as poly people, we have a tendency to think we shouldn't be afraid, which is stupid because we're human, too. Of course you fear losing the person you love, everyone does. The important thing is to find a way to work through it or it will snowball.

Lemondrop 01-22-2010 10:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SileRuric (Post 20721)
...i am physically VERY old world Irish, short, dusty blond hair, ultra curvy, (not fat) but i have huge linebacker shoulders.....

i have met his other girlfriend Kat, she is beautiful, lovely in fact, and when they first got together and i had not met her, i was very self conscious,...

PS--I hope to high heaven that he's told you he finds you beautiful, but let me just say, I hate that you felt you have to criticize yourself.

SileRuric 01-22-2010 11:21 PM

RE help
 
he called me on a break to today from work, i am going to talk to him about it, but i don't want to do it on his 1/2 hour break because i want time for the whole conversation to happen, and i can't do it right when he gets off work because then i have to rush to work.....

he tells me i am cute/ pretty all the time, my self consciousness is all my own...

SileRuric 01-23-2010 12:26 AM

RE:help
 
so being the guy he is and anticipating my fears HE did want to discuss it on his lunch break, we had a good talk, he assured me that if kitty is not poly that would be the end of it, and if she is poly he says there is no reason for me to fear that he would want to live with her over me

"there have been a lot of "ones that got away""

what really helped was reading him what i told you, as well as all of your wonderful posts, so thank you ever so much all of you
:D

Krazykitty 01-23-2010 12:37 AM

It's awesome that you guys communicated, thanks for posting, and I bet most people think you are super cute!!! :o

SileRuric 01-23-2010 01:30 AM

RE:help
 
even more now that i finally gave myself a much needed haircut....i was getting a mullet:D


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