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-   -   What Will the Future Hold (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20284)

xxgoodtimescouple 01-19-2012 12:18 AM

What Will the Future Hold
 
Why I'm here: I'm a mono, my BF and I were casually poly until last year, when he fell in love and acquired a girlfriend. It's been a bumpy ride since they started seeing each other. I'm dealing with my feelings of jealousy, anger, plus my low sex drive at home (not with other guys, though).
When my BF and I talk calmly and logically, I have a positive attitude towards their relationship, the other GF (3rd) is allowed to come and sleep over at the house, etc. But when I'm not prepared and unexpected visits and plans occur, I get mad and jealous. I've expressed to the BF that I'd feel safe with this boundary and that boundary, but he's more loosey-goosey with plans. Unfortunately, we've fought so much that he's tired of following my requests and has decided to do whatever he wants with the 3rd. Which starts a never-ending cycle of fighting, of course.
I am seeing a counsellor who is poly-friendly, trying to get a handle on my jealousy and anger. It's really hard, though. All I can do is try. It feels like my BF doesn't care that I'm trying, that he's given up on us and only wants to be a couple with the 3rd. So I'm in complete distress. All I can do is try to move forward, try to make things better on my end.

INo 01-19-2012 04:04 AM

I know how you feel
 
Point blank he needs to respect your boundaries, especially when you've been so positive and more patient than you needed to be. It's good you're speaking to someone about your feelings. I would probably break it off with him if he doesn't start to put your feelings into consideration anytime soon.

xxgoodtimescouple 02-05-2012 05:08 PM

Things have improved slightly, although I'm finding the journey difficult still. He understands the boundaries I have expressed. Some of them he is in complete agreement with. Others are still up in the air. He recently expressed that he felt bad for me because I hadn't asked for any of this. I responded that when I"m in a calm, rational state of mind, I understand that where we are is a consequence of the troubles we had / have. All we can do is move forward and act positively in these circumstances.

Today I felt sad, last night we had a disagreement about the way I act when he makes a mistake. I tried to explain that I have a lot of childhood conditioning that I'm sorting out with my therapist, and I sarcastically apologized that I'd made the mistake of getting angry, for the 1 millionth time. I dunno; this journey of coming to terms with being in a triad is sooooo hard on some days. I have to cry, I have to let the anger out safely, and then all I can really do is pick myself up and keep plodding forward. :| <--- That's my "soldier-on" face :)

xxgoodtimescouple 02-10-2012 06:37 AM

We saw my therapist together today. It was a bit of a blackmail because he wanted me to wake up super-early and help him really clean the house. I said no way was I going to make an effort that early in the morning, unless he made an effort for something I really wanted: attend a counseling session with me. He didn't want to go, but he did and we're both glad. We learned some really interesting insights about each other. I think a skill I'll be taking from the session is: Curiosity. Being really curious about why my partner feels and acts the way he does, and truly listening to his response instead of waiting for an opportunity to say my rebuttal.

The counselor also recognized that when I'm insecure and fearful that my BF will leave me, I get into a zone, called The Zone to Quell my Insecurity. I feel an intense need to trap my BF with roundabout questions, in an attempt to vindicate my theory that he's cheating on me. Crazy, eh? Yet that need gets so strong, it is like a magnetic force I can't pull out from. The counsellor thinks I have a strong need to feel right. Again, as in the previous paragraph, a way to overcome the need to be heard and feel right, is to be curious. "Hey, what'd you get up to today? You know, I didn't hear from you and I began to feel insecure. Do you mind filling me in on your day so that I have nothing to worry about?"

I think my BF and I really benefited from the appointment, because he felt secure enough to converse with his GF over the phone while I was within earshot.

It was weird at bedtime tonight. He let me know that tomorrow night, his GF was sleeping here at our house, and then the next night they're going to a sexy party. I felt slightly jealous that they were doing something blatantly, publicly sexual. It's a party that's held regularly, but he and I have never gone. Meanwhile, they go all the time.

I calmed down when I realized: 1) I can't go clubbing as much or as late as my BF would like, so at least he's satisfied in having a GF that will do it with him. 2) If I want more crazy sexy times in our relationship, it's possible, I just have to plan it!

xxgoodtimescouple 02-12-2012 06:34 PM

Last night was the party. Before meeting his GF, D dropped me off at a store I needed to buy something from. He asked, "How are you feeling? Is the pot bubbling over?" meaning, was I feeling angry / frustrated / sad / jealous / insecure. I answered, "I'm a little jealous, nothing that won't blow over soon." I think when I'm out and about, I feel okay. When I'm at home I spend too much time thinking about them having fun. Last night I cried a bit in bed. My friend begged me to go to a big party with her, one that traditionally D and I went to every year as a couple. This year he made the mistake of asking his GF to come, for her birthday. I was hurt. In the end, he can't take back his invite, so I'll decide later if I"m going or not. My friend really wants me to go, to show that I won't let a man determine my happiness. Well, I'm also not going to pay $1000 to fly to a party that I may not enjoy, for revenge or to prove something. Her idea of having fun is to party away problems, not face life outside of the club. I'm trying to work out what's in my HEAD.

Staying too much inside my head is not good for me. I need to be out more, meeting people and connecting.

nycindie 02-12-2012 11:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxgoodtimescouple (Post 124204)
It was weird at bedtime tonight. He let me know that tomorrow night, his GF was sleeping here at our house...

Generally, having a gf stay over at a home you share with a partner is usually something you slowly negotiate for -- not just that he announces it will happen and you have to deal with it.

It seems like he is just doing whatever he wants without making any compromises or letting you ease into things and feel more comfortable at a pace you can handle. I think you would do well to establish boundaries for yourself and ask him to give you more consideration in that way.

km34 02-13-2012 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxgoodtimescouple (Post 124507)
I think when I'm out and about, I feel okay. When I'm at home I spend too much time thinking about them having fun. Last night I cried a bit in bed.

I understand this completely! I've been wondering... How much of a transition did you get between "casually poly" (I'm assuming this means you were both dating others, but no real relationships developed, please correct me if I'm wrong) to the "he's in love with his girlfriend and going to be devoting tons of time to her" phase? I think this would be a difficult adjustment, and I'm not really looking forward to the time that I have to deal with it. Was he willing to cut down his time with her at first when you would get jealous/angry? Does he communicate his plans in advance or were these surprise interactions common until recently?

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxgoodtimescouple (Post 124507)
My friend begged me to go to a big party with her, one that traditionally D and I went to every year as a couple. This year he made the mistake of asking his GF to come, for her birthday. I was hurt. In the end, he can't take back his invite, so I'll decide later if I"m going or not. My friend really wants me to go, to show that I won't let a man determine my happiness. Well, I'm also not going to pay $1000 to fly to a party that I may not enjoy, for revenge or to prove something. Her idea of having fun is to party away problems, not face life outside of the club. I'm trying to work out what's in my HEAD.

Why can't he take back the invite? I mean, I understand it's her birthday, but if my husband (or if in the future I have another long-term SO) planned to do something that was OUR tradition with an OSO, I'd be PISSED. No excuses. They need to create things that are THEIRS, not take things that you two have always done together. For example, I always cook my husband dinner on his birthday. Always. I've done it for 7 years. If he made plans with a girlfriend for dinner on his actual birthday, I'd feel like that would be snubbing a tradition that we have established together. Now, if he wanted to meet his girlfriend for lunch, a drink MUCH later in the evening (you know, after dinner and the inevitable intimate time that follows), great, but stomping all over a tradition that I hold dear would be inexcusable in my book.

If this is a party you go to every year, that you TRAVEL to get to, I'm thinking he is pretty much being an inconsiderate jerk for not thinking of how going with someone else would affect you. The person he usually goes with.

In general, I think it's great that you're seeing a therapist to work on the issues that you have. I agree with the other commenters, though, that your boyfriend seems to really be taking advantage of the situation. Maybe he's still caught up in NRE and is just trying to avoid the inevitable first big disagreement in that relationship, but you seem to have been quite accommodating to the situation. Letting her sleep over in your home, seeking counseling so that you can more quickly come to terms with your emotions, etc. Those are all huge steps, but it's not going to do much good if he's not willing to meet you in the middle and put in some effort to.


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