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MrMom 01-20-2010 04:43 PM

New member, very confused
Hi all,

First of all, thank you for this forum and resource.

I'm guessing that I'm probably not the first or only new member that's registered with my circumstances. I'm going to try not to commit any serious faux pas or sins here.

So here it is: My wife would like to explore an open marriage. She just came out to me that she's been having an affair with an old boyfriend for a while now, and she wants to explore polyamory. Naturally, I'm deeply hurt and confused, we have two wonderful kids, and honestly our lives over the past 5-6 years have been packed full of drama and pain which I believe has led to our current situation. So I'm here to try and learn what I can, I want to do what I can to save our marriage, but of course I have my hesitations and concerns.

A pre-emptive thank you for everyone being here and humoring me!

quick edit: I'm a stay at home Dad, hence my username.

CielDuMatin 01-20-2010 05:37 PM

OK first of all, welcome to the forum.

Second of all: OUCH! Being cheated on and lied to like that is absolutely horrible - the betrayal of trust and the hurting that goes along with that.

Is she still determined to keep up a relationship with this third person while you work through this, or can there be a true break from it, to give you a "safe place" from which to work?

One thing that I feel is important in a situation like this in order for polyamory to stand any chance of working - you two needs to work on the trust thing - if you can't get to a point of trusting each other then you are going to make it very hard, or impossible to make polyamory work. I think that everything else is (relatively-speaking) details.

Right now I can imagine you are in a position where you feel betrayed and that you can't trust her - and those are valid feelings, given the fact that she has lied to you and broken the rules of your monogamous marriage. I believe strongly that trust has to be earned - in this case she is going to have to work to regain your trust.

Please feel free to talk more about what has happened since you have found this out - share as much or as little as you like.

MrMom 01-20-2010 05:50 PM

Thanks for the welcome. As a new member to this forum I don't want to overstep any boundaries. But at the same time the "anonymity" of the internet can make it very easy for me to open up to people I've never met.

MonoVCPHG 01-20-2010 06:01 PM

Welcom and by all means open up. The more you share the more the value of insight offered will be.

Sorry to hear this. Quick comment. Your wife has got to regain your trust and you have to get your relationship on a good and healthy foundation before trying to add more. I hope she understands this. You can't proceed without having a good core relationship. She should be honored you are eve trying in my opinion. Take care of yourself first! Make sure you are healthy. Don't let external things influence you too much. You have to want to stay because you want to...not because you think you have to.

Good luck

CielDuMatin 01-20-2010 06:02 PM

Well, I can't speak for your own personal boundaries, but situations similar to yours aren't uncommon - feel free to share as much as you like here.

SusOfSeattle 01-20-2010 09:15 PM

If you're not open to darker opinions, I think you should skip mine.. I speak from the seat of a successful 3 party poly, live-in family.

Having forewarned you- Your wife of more than 6 years had the option of "exploring polyamory", asking for a break to date others which would give you time to find someone else and/or asking to open the relationship -before- she betrayed you. She could have respected the boundaries of your relationship, preserved your trust and honor, and made small inwards towards her needs, but at a pace that you were comfortable with..

She didn't.

She had an affair. She took her time making sure she was once again compatible with the ex boyfriend and had conversations with him about the two of them dating long term. Then when she knew she was secure in a 2nd relationship and had a very strong safety net in case you reacted negatively to her cheating, she tore down the last barrier to her happieness; Her guilt. She told you she cheated..

So now you have a decision to make. And I hope for your own long term happieness that, while in 1 hand you're trying to balance the needs of your wife and the other hand, the needs of your children; you make a little room for your self respect.

Sorry to shed a little rain cloud.. But I've been where are now, and didn't make room for myself.

MonoVCPHG 01-20-2010 09:51 PM


Originally Posted by SusOfSeattle (Post 20549)
If you're not open to darker opinions, I think you should skip mine.. I speak from the seat of a successful 3 party poly, live-in family.

I don't find yopur opinion dark. I think it represents a likely possibility. Not the only one, but a likely one.

Thanks for being honest.

MrMom 01-20-2010 09:57 PM

I'm open to any opinions. Unfortunately I'm fully aware that I'm facing the hard reality that our marriage might be over, and the damage that will be done to our kids absolutely breaks my heart. But I'm trying very hard not to enter into an open marriage strictly for the kids' sake when I'll be miserable all the time.

MonoVCPHG 01-20-2010 10:10 PM

You'll be no good for you're kids if you aren't healthy, Brother. Do what you need to in order to be happy for the long haul. Whether that involves staying or not...just be healthy.

MrMom 01-20-2010 10:18 PM

Another clarification: We've been married a little over 10 years now, but the last 5-6 years has been very difficult because of her job changes, moving, losing a house to the bank that we couldn't sell, and a child that had a very serious illness. She believes that she needs another outlet because things are so hard on all of us right now. And I'm trying to believe that her not getting what she's needed is a result of the drama in the other areas of our lives, and that if we can get some stability then I could provide her what she's been missing. Hopefully it's not all wishful thinking, because I'll admit that I've read many stories of people believing the same thing as me when it's just not reality.

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