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-   -   I'm Back... New Guy... Wish he was poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20073)

Tinyblu 01-14-2012 03:27 PM

I'm Back... New Guy... Wish he was poly
 
It's been a while since I've been here. After seeing the light on the jerk that "introduced" me to the "lifestyle", I laid low for a while to take some time for myself. During that time, I met a very nice guy. He's the polar opposite of the bad boy I dated before, but get this... I am bored out of my mind.

He's everything a typical mono person would want, I guess (attentive, sweet, affectionate, etc.), but I'm finding it hard to stay focused with him, especially after our first sexual episode.

How can I put this? His "equipment" size leaves a LOT to be desired, and he's quick draw McGraw. Seriously... 15 minutes tops. It's SOOOOO frustrating!

So here comes my selfish part. He's great "relationship" material, and I really like his loyalty, etc., but I already know that if the sex isn't good, I am going to lose interest very quickly. I even found myself missing the jerk while having sex with this new guy (he was AMAZING in bed).

I would like to keep options open on both sides, but this new guy strikes me as a die hard traditionalist (he wants the white picket fence and a dog), and I don't think he will go for the "sharing" aspect of a poly relationship.

My personal belief is that poly takes the pressure of trying to be someone's everything and get what you need from multiple people. In my perfect world, I would want to keep "nice guy" as my BF and then have the freedom to be sexually pleased by someone else?

WTF?!?! Is this remotely reasonable, or am I going to be the one who will have a nice, reliable, comfortable mini van in the driveway but always yearn for the Ferrari?

opalescent 01-14-2012 04:35 PM

Well, have you tried - for lack of a better term - training traditional guy to please you sexually? He may not have the experience to know how to last longer and satisfy you.

Also you are responsible for your own sexual satisfaction. You need to tell him - gently and with tact - that you are not satisfied and here are some ideas about making changes. And make sure they he's a full partner in discovering what works for both of you. It should be a joyous, fun, silly, intense dance of discovery.

Poly acknowledges that one can't be everything to another. (Mono relationships can also acknowledge this.) But starting a relationship with bad sex and expecting the sex will never get better Iis a recipe for disaster for that relationship. You deserve good sex in your relationship(s) and that is very achievable.

Hopefully traditional guy is open to learning and experimenting. If he is not, if missionary PIV is the only 'real' sex, if he is too insecure to listen, learn and experiment with you, dump him immediately. A partner who asks for what he/she wants, experiments, and is talks openly about sex is a great gift. I've been blessed with partners like this. You can be that partner for traditional guy.

nycindie 01-14-2012 04:43 PM

You don't have to keep on settling for the first guy that comes along. Make yourself available and keep dating.

You should know by now, if you've read this forum at all, that poly is not simply an option to find others just to make up for when there are issues or problems in one relationship. Every relationship needs to be strong and healthy for poly to work.

You and this new guy are not sexually compatible. Move on. If he is monogamous and you know his inadequacies will make you lose interest, what would you keep him around for? He won't feel appreciated and respected by you seeking out other lovers for sex, while putting up with sex you don't like, or treating him as a platonic friend. You've only been single a few months since the last jerk you dated - give yourself time to go out there and enjoy meeting people without trying to turn them into partners right away. As many have told you before, there are plenty of good men out there - so, the more dating you do, the more chance you will have to meet one who is satisfactory for you in all areas.

ChloeJane 01-15-2012 12:01 AM

Leave it to Beaver
 
Oh wow, that is SO disappointing. It would be SO awesome if Ward Cleaver was also an insatiable beast in the bedroom and with a nice unit to boot. I Have Been Here, LITERALLY - my last fiance was this guy through and through. I/We worked hard on our sex life, and we ended up with me being poly, but in the end it just wasn't enough for me even with a lover. For me it's about enhancing with poly, not replacing what's missing with poly - if that makes sense?

Dating - NYCyndie has some GOOD advice on that one. Dating is a great time to window shop, see what's out there, especially when you're talking about a life partner it's important to try on a bunch of different men before deciding which one fits/looks/feels/works best/doesn't cost too much to take home with you.

I agree re: sex fun - see if it's something that you can work on for sure, but not doing it exclusively means that you're free to explore a number of options without having to settle for something that doesn't make you happy if it doesn't unfold.

SchrodingersCat 01-15-2012 06:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tinyblu (Post 120329)
He's everything a typical mono person would want, I guess (attentive, sweet, affectionate, etc.), but I'm finding it hard to stay focused with him, especially after our first sexual episode.

So here comes my selfish part. He's great "relationship" material, and I really like his loyalty, etc., but I already know that if the sex isn't good, I am going to lose interest very quickly. I even found myself missing the jerk while having sex with this new guy (he was AMAZING in bed).

First, I'm not sure what's so different from what a "typical mono person would want" and what any person would want in a healthy relationship. I'm not mono, and those all sound like the kinds of traits I seek and admire in a partner.

My overall impression is that you're just not that into him. I've been there. I've dated guys who were "perfect boyfriend material" but they just didn't do it for me. I tried to stay with them, hoping that my feelings would grow, but they just didn't. If that's the case, there's no hope. He's not a mini-van, he's a human being with real emotions. Keeping him around when you're not into him is nothing short of cruel.

There are SO many things a couple can do to spice things up in the bedroom. What really matters is, do you have passion in your relationship?

Passion is either there or it isn't. While you can rekindle it once it's lost, you can't create it out of nothing. However, if the make-out sessions are really exciting for you and it's only the coitus that leaves you wanting, then there are lots of things that can be done to spice things up.

Quote:

How can I put this? His "equipment" size leaves a LOT to be desired, and he's quick draw McGraw. Seriously... 15 minutes tops. It's SOOOOO frustrating!
The average duration of coitus is 10 minutes, and most couples report 7-13 as adequate. (this and this ) You may have unrealistic expectations. You might even have a big floppy vagina, and it's not that he's too small but that you're too big...

Look. Sex is a skill. It can be learned. I think you would be much happier if you could help this relationship satisfy all your needs than you would be if you had to get it somewhere else. I'm sure he would definitely prefer that, too.

Two ways to deal with the longevity issue:
  • they make special lube for exactly this purpose. It reduces sensitivity. Put it on the inside of the condom.
  • look into tantric sex, where you deliberately delay orgasm, even avoid it all together. That way you can present it as "here's something I heard about, do you want to try it?" rather than "you suck at sex."
  • there's an old trick I learned in high school (you know, when all the guys were lucky to last 5 minutes when faced with a REAL VAGINA)... get him to climax as part of the foreplay, and then have him focus on playing with you until he gets hard again (about 15-20 minutes). When he's ready to go, he'll almost surely last longer than usual. And because you'll have just spent 20 minutes being manually stimulated, you'll also be ready to pop, so the brevity won't bother you so much.

Onto the problem of size:
  • introduce toys to the bedroom. Tell him that vibrators really turn you on and that it would be really exciting to incorporate them into your sex life.
  • Make sure your expectations are realistic. Is he really small, or have your previous partners been especially large?

Quote:

My personal belief is that poly takes the pressure of trying to be someone's everything and get what you need from multiple people. In my perfect world, I would want to keep "nice guy" as my BF and then have the freedom to be sexually pleased by someone else?
I acknowledge that this is your personal belief. I personally think it's bogus and unfeasible.

From what I've observed, poly works best when each relationship could stand on its own as a monogamous relationship. I can't imagine any way for this to work out where he won't feel used and taken for granted, and with every right.

If it sounds hard and scary to broach the subject of improving your sex life, think about how much worse it would sound if you simply said "You suck at sex. I want someone else for that." It doesn't matter if you use those actual words or sugar coat it somehow. There's no way to say you want someone else to satisfy your sexual needs without destroying his ego.

Magdlyn 01-15-2012 03:18 PM

I admit it, I'm a size queen. For my anatomy, big ass, full thighs, I just happen to find a long thick cock to feel better in many positions. Not that I haven't had fun with partners with smaller than average cocks, it's sometimes just not quite as satisfying.

However, as said upthread, 15 mins of actual fucking aint bad. I love a nice hour-long sex session (or 2, or 3 or 4 hours.... sigh) however, most of that time is not spent in fucking, but in tit play, oral sex, fingering, use of toys, stroking, kinky play such as spankings or floggings (or many other activities), taking showers together and washing each others' bodies and hair, cuddling, massaging, tickling, laughing, teasing and flirting, and on and on...

Even early foreplay, sexting before we meet, cooking together or dining out, taking a day trip to a new place, surprise presents "just because," dancing in the living room if a good song comes on, deep philosophical discussions, cuddling and watching a movie and anticipating later sexy time, all add to the excitement.

Somewhere in there, I do adore getting fucked, but I am fine with sessions sometimes where there is no PIV, just hands and oral and tit play and lots of tongue kissing!

And small cocks are better for deep throating and anal sex, if you're into that.


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