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-   -   Lovers who become friends (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2006)

Ariakas 01-20-2010 04:09 AM

Lovers who become friends
 
Ok..I have retyped this 3 times...I am hesitent to post, because...well I am...

How do you deal with having a lover become a friend. With having someone who you have fallen in love with, only be a friend (ok I know I am walking into a wall with that statement)...just curious because I am having a really difficult time just being friends with someone who, even while standing there, miss greatly.

thanks

redpepper 01-20-2010 05:13 AM

Do you mean that you were lovers and now are friends or that you must stay friends even though you would like to be a lover?

Just need that clarification. thanks :)

Sorry you are feeling sad :( that really hurts I bet.

Ariakas 01-20-2010 05:30 AM

we were lovers...and now have to be friends...

redpepper 01-20-2010 06:02 AM

So what happened? That must be so hard. I'm so sorry. Just imagining having to do that with my men is making me choke up.

Ariakas 01-20-2010 06:12 AM

I have a few posts on the site explaining it...here is the gist

boy meets girl
girls hits on boy
boy mentions wife
couple meets girl
girl likes couple...
couple and girl hang out...lots of fun ensues
girl...hmmm...she says she became uncomfortable (without any warning or pretense)
learning and mistakes made, lots of fun while it happened.
we...fall in love...she does not
she is mature and smart enough to be able to keep it as friends
we are in the middle of adapting to said friendship

my wife and I are at different stages of this adaptation. I am taking it the hardest, my wife, who is good with casual sex (which is not what this was, but she is capable of adapting it to that better than me), is putting her into that box. My wife and her get along fabulously...and she is trying with me...she wants to know so many intimate details of me, but this throws me further into confusion. My life has been simplish until now

sex=sex
friends=friends
lovers=lovers

She is asking me to blur the lines...to give her everything I give my lover emotionally, yet remain friends...without sex.

My brain, heart and body just ache...

I know my boxes are more strict than most, and I am working on that, but I am having a difficult time moving her from lovers to friendship only...

I hope that makes sense...:)

thanks

Ceoli 01-20-2010 06:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 20465)
Ok..I have retyped this 3 times...I am hesitent to post, because...well I am...

How do you deal with having a lover become a friend. With having someone who you have fallen in love with, only be a friend (ok I know I am walking into a wall with that statement)...just curious because I am having a really difficult time just being friends with someone who, even while standing there, miss greatly.

thanks

I've had that experience twice. What helped for me was to start off with a strong and explicit commitment on the part of both of us to work on building a friendship. After that commitment is made explicitly, then it's good to have some distance in the beginning. It sort of allows all those raw feelings to start to heal and not get ripped open again every time you see the person. In one case we agreed to give ourselves a month before starting contact and that we would first start contacting each other online through messaging chat. That way we could sort out more of those strong feelings while still keeping a bit of distance. We kept chatting until we felt those close bonds of friendship starting to grow. Then we agreed to start meeting up. When we met up, there were still feelings to sort through and there were still things that were hard, but I found that I could now bring that pain to him as a friend rather than a jilted lover and that was enormously healing.

He is still a huge presence in my life and I treasure and value that relationship as it is. It also feels like exactly where our relationship should be and that feels wonderful, even with the pain in our past.

The other time it happened, we did maintain a friendship but sort of drifted apart after not very long.

Hope some of that helps.

GroundedSpirit 01-20-2010 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 20465)
How do you deal with having a lover become a friend. With having someone who you have fallen in love with, only be a friend (ok I know I am walking into a wall with that statement)...just curious because I am having a really difficult time just being friends with someone who, even while standing there, miss greatly.
thanks

Will try to share an insight to this question - with some influence from your later post hinting at the fact that her feelings were not as deep as yours (and maybe your wife's?).

You "deal" by remembering what "love" really is. It's something we "give" rather than receive. And somehow that's still REALLY painful sometimes. But if we really 'love' someone, we want what's best for THEM - their happiness & fulfillment.

Later you said:"girl...hmmm...she says she became uncomfortable (without any warning or pretense)"

Without knowing what this "discomfort" was - and unless you really know -it's hard to elaborate more, but sufficient to say that she didn't see herself in the same role you saw her in. If it were me - I'd only just want to know what that difference was. I have seen cases where is was more about practicality than philosophy. Knowing more allows discussion on more options.

I hate to see a series of events like this go down simply out of the whole 'primary/secondary' terminology/mindset. (reference that debate in another thread here) I would only hope some discussion took place about the viability of you all living and loving together as a unit. Because of the culture we live in there's often a hidden assumption that a 'primary' pairing is imperative at some point. If she felt her role in your life would always be relegated to some 'secondary' position - well - that's just a position very few people feel comfortable with. There are definitely some creative ways to get around 98% of those roadblocks - in case everyone's not aware of that.
On the other hand - she may have actually been more comfortable in that role and sensed (or knew) that your desire/view was just beyond her capacity.

And of course - it may be you just weren't compatible in bed ! That happens too.

GS

Ariakas 01-20-2010 07:03 PM

thanks, lots to consider.

LovingRadiance 01-21-2010 06:23 AM

I've done it many times.. but up to now I really didn't think about how.
But I will think on that tonight-and try to post my thoughts tomorrow.
Big hugs going your way..
I know this is hard, most self-growth is, I think you may be caught in a BIG self-growth moment, and those big ones sure can be doozies!

MonoVCPHG 01-21-2010 07:13 AM

The idea of reshaping the expression of "love" from one that entails a lot of physical intimacy to one that does not is something I thought about a lot. The idea is not to deny or try to ignore that feeling but to channel it in such a way that it is acceptable and healthy for both.
For me this represents a pure form of love which does not require one specific method of communicating but one that is allowed to adapt to the realistic conditions of the relationship.

I love people such as my parents and sisters from afar in a way that feels healthy for me. I do this because it is not realistic for me to be physically closer to me. I express that love in occasional phone calls and in feeling a consistent concern for their well being whether they know it or not.That is the medium for my affection to them.

I think all relationships are established based on the medium through which that affection is conveyed. It can shift, ebb and flow depending on the varying circumstances injected by reality.

I won't lock myself into expressing the love I have for Redpepper in one specific way because to do so would create an inability to express my love if things were to change and that medium was interrupted.

Try to focus on what is real and do your best to communicate in a way that promotes that affection. Of course having the line blurred will not help you. Perhaps discussing a change in communication and behavior to keep the boundary clear is in order?

Take care
Peace and Love
Mono


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