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Carrie 01-14-2012 05:11 AM

Not sure if I belong here
 
I am a married woman (separated.) My "boyfriend" is married.

We are currently exploring polyamory within our relationship. (My husband and his wife do not "know" about our affair.)

I'm not sure how I feel about it - though, so far, I'm the only one who has had other lovers, openly. (He had a ONS earlier in our relationship that I found out about after the fact.)

So...I don't think we're just fucking around. I'm looking for someone to be a friend and lover when my boyfriend is unavailable (which is often, under the circumstances.) I've found that most men have had a problem with the "friend" part. I don't want to replace boyfriend, emotionally, but I don't just want it to be a booty call, either.

Boyfriend admitted (after I suggested it) that he wouldn't mind seeing someone else occasionally, too. My issue is that if he doesn't have time for me - he won't/shouldn't have time for someone else.

That's my story..and I'm sticking to it. ;)

nycindie 01-14-2012 06:04 AM

Hi and welcome!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carrie (Post 120266)
My issue is that if he doesn't have time for me - he won't/shouldn't have time for someone else.

Well, but think of it this way... most people aren't going to want to just serve as filler for when your bf isn't available. They will have their own needs too, and so will your bf.

Let's say you do start seeing someone else, and it's going great. You try and fit seeing him only into the days that you don't see your current bf, even though life doesn't always work that way. So, one night, you're out with the new lover, and the first bf unexpectedly has some time free up in his schedule. Why would it be unfair for him to go out with someone else if you're not available? Would you drop the plans you have with the new lover just to run and be with first bf now that he's available? That wouldn't be nice to the new bf, and would be really co-dependent with the current bf, so... if you have other lovers, why shouldn't your bf?

PolyKat 01-14-2012 06:08 AM

So, you both are cheating on your husband and wife, but want to add additional lovers into your relationship with eachother?

And your boyfriend is not around much, so you want a companion on the side.. as does your boyfriend? Sounds a little swinger'ish to me. Someone that's a friend and lover, but no strong emotional attachment.

Someone stop me if I'm wrong. I am new here myself.

-Kat

Carrie 01-14-2012 06:28 AM

Quote:

So, one night, you're out with the new lover, and the first bf unexpectedly has some time free up in his schedule. Why would it be unfair for him to go out with someone else if you're not available? Would you drop the plans you have with the new lover just to run and be with first bf now that he's available? That wouldn't be nice to the new bf, and would be really co-dependent with the current bf, so... if you have other lovers, why shouldn't your bf?
nycindie,

You are not wrong. If I'm unavailable, then he is certainly free to do as he wishes - though it hardly ever works out that I'm unavailable when he is. Lately, anyway. The biggest problem is we live some distance away from one another and my place is not usually available, nor is his, obviously.

I do worry that we would both find another lover much more convenient if they live closer and can host. It would be too easy to pop over and see the other one.

In my mind, I should still be the "first wife," and he should still be the "first husband." Should it be more of an equal thing among all parties? And should I tell a new lover about my bf. And vice versa? One of them already knows about bf.

PK,

Yes, we are both cheating - except I don't even live with my spouse. And bf doesn't have sex with his. I believe him.

I don't know if it's swingerish, since I'm not really up on that, but I guess swinging could be NSA, with different couples every time - or more of a long-term, intermittent event with the same couple.

It's all new to me, too.

I think what started it all was finding out bf is bi - bisexual and bipolar. I suggested a threesome - MMF. Kind of snowballed...slowly...from there. With constant communication to make sure no one feels pressured in any way. He had to convince ME it was okay with HIM if I slept with someone else, after all.

vermin06 01-14-2012 08:33 AM

Let me get this straight...You're looking for another relationship along with the one involving a married man, who isn't telling his wife about his affair with you? I'm cringing at the train wreck to come!

And if you're looking for a "filler" boyfriend to occupy your time when your affairing boyfriend is unavailable, don't you think that's a bit...unfair? I mean what you're doing is giving this secondary boyfriend a job which may be at times rather upsetting to him because he may want to be with you, but he can't because you're automatically taking time with your first boyfriend...who is having an affair with his wife with you. It's enough to make anyone feel like their time is being objectified.

Sorry if I sound snarky, but this just doesn't look at like a sturdy foundation in my opinion.

BlackUnicorn 01-14-2012 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carrie (Post 120273)
In my mind, I should still be the "first wife," and he should still be the "first husband." Should it be more of an equal thing among all parties? And should I tell a new lover about my bf. And vice versa? One of them already knows about bf.

Hullo and welcome to the forum!

Don't want to sound all condescending, but isn't it a bit early to start talking about ordinal numbers for husbands and wives if you remain married to other people?

What is keeping you married, anyway?

As to should it be this or should it be that, that's really for you two to decide, and additional partners will have to decide if they are okay with that or not. Taking a look at the Glossary thread might help. Some people prefer to use descriptions like "primary", "secondary", "tertiary" to describe their level of involvement with different partners, others balk at the terms. Different people have different definitions for hierarchial vs. equal, for example.

I think most people on this forum would agree that poly relationships are conducted with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. So yes, you should tell your prospective lovers that you are married and have a boyfriend. I also personally think you should sort things out with your husband and his wife before starting to add any new people to the equation. When shit hits the fan with all the lying and cheating, there is going to be enough of collateral damage as it is.

Carrie 01-14-2012 04:26 PM

Quote:

And if you're looking for a "filler" boyfriend to occupy your time when your affairing boyfriend is unavailable, don't you think that's a bit...unfair? I mean what you're doing is giving this secondary boyfriend a job which may be at times rather upsetting to him because he may want to be with you, but he can't because you're automatically taking time with your first boyfriend...who is having an affair with his wife with you. It's enough to make anyone feel like their time is being objectified.
Well, yes, vermin. It would be unfair, if another "boyfriend" wanted more than I'm giving him. As it is, one of the "others" is married and cannot actually give me much, either. So far, no one seems to want more, and I don't want that much, either. Actually, I think I may be bipolar, too, which has a lot to do with extra-sexullar dalliances, I think.

Quote:

Don't want to sound all condescending, but isn't it a bit early to start talking about ordinal numbers for husbands and wives if you remain married to other people?

What is keeping you married, anyway?
Yes, BU..there is that. We have been "together" for going on 3 years and it's been really nice to be this open with each other - if not with the others.

As to why I'm still married, I suppose on one hand it keeps a backup in place, which is very selfish, I know. Except H hasn't been in any hurry to divorce, either. On my part, I don't want to spend the money to file...and nothing would really change, except the ability to marry someone else. His payments to me and our child would not change, unless I were to marry. And I can't marry BF...because he's married.

I wish we could be open with our spouses, and I wish polygamy, in all it's forms was legal. But it's not, and our spouses would use the relationship against us at this point. It took me a long time to come around to accepting my bf's bisexuality, let alone the poly thing. I imagine it would take the spouses even longer.

As to why BF is still married - he has several physical impairments and has had to train for a new career. If he leaves now, it won't do anyone any good, including their children. I think his wife actually does know (BF said he's told her,) but chooses to ignore my existence - and BF doesn't flaunt it in her face.

Yes, it's all very confusing, I suppose, which is why I'm not sure if I belong here - only because I'm not sure if our relationship(s) now and our "relationships" to be qualify as polyamory. Because all parties do not know about all other parties.

'Tis a problem I want to rectify. We don't want anyone to be hurt, if possible, but it may be too late for that.

vermin06 01-14-2012 06:50 PM

What makes polyamory illegal? Are you in the US?

Also, not wanting a lot out of someone aside, you're putting expectations in an area of a relationship that varies a great deal. I worry you're lack of communication skills would make things unclear to a new partner what it is you're truly looking for.

And I'm still worried about your boyfriend's marriage. He's having an affair, and you're half of that. Understand that love is a powerful thing, and your loving this man IS affecting his marriage. Consider his predicament, and his wife's feelings.

What makes you think you're bipolar? And how impulsive are you about your sexual actions? If you did have a mental disorder, would you simply point the finger to that and state that it's the fault of a condition, or are you willing to work on yourself instead? Stable relationships start with the person in the mirror, my friend.

Again, pardon my blunt shortness here, but I don't think you're looking past your own needs far enough to be able to handle this gracefully. Here's what I would do if I were you:

End the relationship with your current boyfriend. I want to love others, but in doing so, I don't want to hurt anyone so I will avoid doing so as best I can. Ruining someone's marriage by engaging in an affair could definitely hurt a couple people, which makes it worse because it's a totally preventable scenario. I'd sit down and think about what I want out of a relationship. Are those wants likely to be compatible with other peoples' wants? Why or why not? When I met someone I liked well enough, and if they seemed interested in my romantically, I'd make it very clear what my wants were, and that I was POLYAMOROUS, and before even holding hands I'd make sure they were comfortable with that. If not, then I'd keep things at friend level, and enjoy that individual as best I can there. Fish in the sea and what not.

It's direly important that you look at yourself and be truthful with you. Self criticism is paramount when wanting to be with other people, poly or not. If you can't do that, then how can you work through inevitable arguments and disagreements without going into "victim mode" and pointing the finger at everyone and everything but yourself?

A book I recommend for you is called "The Ethical Slut". You may have heard of it in passing around here. It has some keen advice on how one should conduct themselves in poly situations.

Carrie 01-14-2012 07:18 PM

Thank you, vermin.

Quote:

What makes polyamory illegal? Are you in the US?

Also, not wanting a lot out of someone aside, you're putting expectations in an area of a relationship that varies a great deal. I worry you're lack of communication skills would make things unclear to a new partner what it is you're truly looking for.
I said polyGAMY (polyandry and polygyny) are illegal (in the U.S.) not polyamory.

My lack of communication skills? You mean my lack of transparency with new partners? We are very clear about safe sex, if nothing else. If someone asks if I have someone else, I am truthful with them.

As for my BFs marriage - he had affairs before me and so has his wife. Sure, he may or may not put more effort into his marriage, if I wasn't in the picture, but I'm guessing not - because he's only half of that, too. And, according to him, he has put all the effort in. I do understand that there are two sides to a story, though. This is a common debate among people in affairs...but at this point, I think his involvement with me makes his marriage more tolerable in some ways - more intolerable in others.

Are you a betrayed spouse, by chance? I have been. It hurts. I know.

I don't blame bipolarism for anything, though...having just found out it's a consideration, it has helped me understand myself a little better. And him.

I actually am reading "The Ethical Slut," along with "Lust in Translation," and "Bonk." :) As well as some other books completely unrelated to sex or relationships.

vermin06 01-14-2012 07:47 PM

Whoops! Sorry, I misread poly terms there. :P Yes, Polygamy is very illegal.

I've never been cheated on luckily, but I have been the other woman and I have seen what that does.

Why are your boyfriend and his wife still together if they're having affairs back and forth? When does two wrongs make a right? I personally would be weary being with someone who is willing to be as dishonest, and retrubutive as that. He needs to man up and either work on his marriage in a more appropriate way, or end it if it makes him so unhappy that he has to lie so much to his wife. If they have an agreement to have sex outside the marriage without telling each other, that's also a bit precarious, but would make things a little less shady on his part.

How long were you with said Dr before being told you were bipolar? One has to be skeptical because often times bipolar disorder is diagnosed to soon without following proper protocal; something I learned when going for my AS Psychology degree in my general Psych class. For some reason, bipolar disorder is the trendy disorder now, and it may fall back to pharmaceutics, but I can't be sure about why people are being labeled "bipolar" when they haven't been observed over proper periods of time.

"Lust in Translation" sounds like a good book, but there was another one by Dan Savage I wanted to read after TES. So many good resources out there!


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