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-   -   What if i never can change... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20008)

newguy 01-13-2012 04:33 PM

What if i never can change...
 
Hello all,

I already posted (or tried to post) this to one of Polykat’s post but I’m restarting here to get a fresh start. It was in response to MonoVCPHG’s post post….

I’m Polykat’s finace’…I read your suggested posts on your feelings but what made me comment at this time (first time commenting on her post) was the statement that you made, “You need to look out for yourself by not committing to a monogamous marriage if you can't be healthy as well.”

I agree!! In fact, every since she informed me of her desires I told her that I may not be the man for her…I also told her (and still believe) that I may never be able to be in this type of relationship. I told her that I think it’s best for her to move on without me…because I feel that although she is happy with me, she will never have complete happiness because of her feelings towards this lifestyle.

She has assured me that she is happy with what we have (for now) and that she would like me to “evolve” past my mono mind set and that she will stay with me even if this does not happen.

My minds said leave her now!!! It will hurt (a lot) but it will be better for the both of us! My hearts said stay and love her until 1) you “evolve” or 2) SHE leaves you. Now I can’t say for certain but I don’t see myself evolving and she says that she will never leave me…not even for complete happiness! During our discussions, she informed me that she wouldn’t move forward (sleep with or start a poly relationship with another man) without my blessing and if I decide to never give my blessing she will still be happy…I take that to mean that she won’t be completely happy.

My thoughts…from what I have researched on this matter, poly people are not nor could they ever be completely happy living a mono life. I was told that it’s like suppressing your true self and your true feelings. And I feel, like the people that have suppressed their feelings will eventually give into them! I also feel that she (Polykat) will eventually will give into her feelings and give me the ultimatum of being in a poly/mono relationship or no relationship at all. Even though she has said numerous of times that this would never happen, I’m preparing myself for (what I think is) the inevitable. At this point, I’m just trying to get all the love I can for as long as I can!!!

So…my questions to you MonoVCPHG (and all) are:

1. Can a poly suppressed their feeling and desires forever and should they even try?

2. Am I wrong for denying her complete happiness knowing (or feeling) that it would destroy mine?

3. (Most importantly) Should we get married knowing that I probably will never change my view on this matter?

Thanks for reading and responding.

WR,

NG

Jade 01-14-2012 03:58 AM

I haven't read everything, so this may be answered elsewhere, but has the engagement been formally announced? Is there a reason why the decision has to be now? Some couples stay together forever, it seems, before they tie the knot. Some stay together and never do. If this is the biggest fear, can you avoid it for now and just see what happens?

nycindie 01-14-2012 04:48 AM

I think you are being quite reasonable in assessing things and I would not recommend getting married for some time yet. Keep talking and working things out. Be very cautious about making your commitment legal, because getting out of it can be very messy, should you realize down the road that marriage won't work.

newguy 01-14-2012 04:52 AM

Thanks Jade....

Well everyone knows that we are engaged but we have not set a date...but even when we do get married, it won't be a big wedding...just me her the pastor and a witness or two...

I say that because after/if we get through this, we can get married without hesitation.

PolyKat 01-14-2012 06:36 AM

Dear NewGuy,

I won't leave u in 3 or 5 or 10 years because u don't want me to have a boyfriend. I love u very much!

Love,
KAT

newguy 01-14-2012 06:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyKat (Post 120276)
Dear NewGuy,

I won't leave u in 3 or 5 or 10 years because u don't want me to have a boyfriend. I love u very much!

Love,
KAT

good to hear baby...I love you!!;)

(would say love NewGuy but we both know that's not what I want so...)

Love,
ME

PolyKat 01-14-2012 06:56 AM

Goin' to the chapel and we're
Gonna get married
Gee, I really love you and we're
Gonna get married
Goin' to the chapel of love

AnnabelMore 01-14-2012 07:09 AM

Just to be clear -- NG, you feel you would be too hurt to stay in the relationship if PK were to have an intimate physical and/or emotional relationship with another man, but feel you can accept the fact that she has desires for such a relationship as long as she can refrain from acting on them without being unfulfilled. And PK, you find that you get strong crushes on guys easily based on their scent, and have a dream of one day having multiple relationships, but feel that your love for NG is stronger than these desires.

Is that all correct?

PolyKat 01-14-2012 07:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 120281)
And PK, you find that you get strong crushes on guys easily based on their scent, and have a dream of one day having multiple relationships, but feel that your love for NG is stronger than these desires.

Is that all correct?

Yes, that's correct.

newguy 01-14-2012 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 120281)
, but feel you can accept the fact that she has desires for such a relationship as long as she can refrain from acting on them without being unfulfilled.
Is that all correct?

AnnabelMore

Correct on all except the part above...I don't want her to not be able to acheive complete happiness...but I don't think that I could be in a relationship where she don't refrain...my thought is that one day this disire will be stronger than her love for me and she will act on them...that's why I asked the question about is it possible...

But, because today she feels that she can refrain, I'm staying with her until she feels that she can't...when that day comes, I'll have to make a big decision!!!

But, until then, I'm going to enjoy loving her as much as I can!

Love u Kat;)


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