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-   -   Getting past this stage (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=19968)

Insane00illusions 01-12-2012 08:16 AM

Getting past this stage
I'm feeling worse and worse just in general. I live with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years (J), and am still in the talking stage of with what I would safely call a 2nd boyfriend emotionally only because that is what his wife and really all of us are comfotable with right now.

What I realized I was poly about 3 years ago when I was seeing an amazing guy and fell for J, at first my boyfriend said it was ok then he decided that polyamory was not acceptable for him and that I would have to choose. I chose myself and who I knew that I was and we broke up. We've remained friends and still talk almost daily on IM, although it's been bumpy staying friends and we avoid certain topics.

My problem is that I find myself resenting who I am some days. There are so many things I love about polyamory and forming deep loving connections with other people. Even the idea of one day living with a large polyamorus family it just is right. But 3 years later I still love my ex, I miss him and I always beat my head against the same wall "I wish he was poly..." or "I wish I wasn't"

I just wanted to put it out there. Has anyone else struggled like this? I know that I would not be happy with someone who wanted to be monogamus, at least not emotionally. but I don't know how to just accept myself and let him go.

sorry if this is disorganized and rambling. any thoughts or suggestions would help. except telling me to not be his friend, his dad is very ill and he doesn't have many friends it's just not something I could do. :(

vermin06 01-12-2012 07:13 PM

Tricky indeed, and I myself haven't been through such a situation as I'm an unpracticed polyamorist. However, from what little I know, I would say for you to remind yourself that polyamory isn't the criminal here. Really there isn't one. You live a non-monogomous lifestyle because that better fits your views of life, and it didn't fit his, and it created too much of a problem for the two of you to handle being together with. It's just one of those, "It is what it is" situations; no one is really to blame, yourself included.

As far as still loving him; when we love someone, it's a unique love. When you loose a lover, you loose their love. You miss the love you had with this person, and you may always do so at some point. Maybe simply trying to fondly hold those memories and accepting that these are all you'll have left of the love of this person instead of missing the person will help heal things with more time.

ThatGirlInGray 01-12-2012 11:26 PM

Two thoughts:

1) I haven't exactly been through the same thing, but I've lost friends over my (lack of) religious beliefs, and I lost someone very close to me because his new girlfriend couldn't handle me being in his life at all, even though he and I had already ended our physical relationship when he started dating her. It sucks and it hurts, but you can't change people. If they can't accept you there's really nothing you can do. :(

2) How much of a break did you and your ex take before working on being friends? If you still IM every day, it might be time to take a break to get ALL the way over him, so that you can be "just friends" without it hurting you.

Insane00illusions 01-17-2012 10:16 AM

I know you guys are right there isn't anyone to blame, it's just something that has happened and I need to dust myself off and move on. We probably should have taken more of a break before trying to be friends, but we both care about each other a great deal. His dad just passed away on friday so it would be a bad time to try a friendship break. there is just a part of me that feels like I shouldn't be this upset after over two years. I'm usually a pretty calm girl, not too dramatic or overly emotional so to keep being this upset and keep crying is hard. But I know if we were to end up being back together I would feel guilty if I ever had feelings for someone else, which tends to happen and is why I identify with being poly.

Thanks again for listening guys.

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